Bea's Lighter Life (+ Lite) Journal

Week 15 Day 107: change, sabotage and control

2009-12-22T11:37:00.000Z

Things have gone a bit askew in the last couple of weeks. For various reasons I'm back in the world of food - temporarily - and I'm really struggling. It's like everything I learned on LL, everything that made me feel in control, has disappeared in a puff of smoke. I'm slap-bang in the middle of old, bad habits and I'm closing my eyes to it - blocking my ears, going la la la, but every day is a new study in low-level, back-of-the-mind terror and shame, and to be honest I'm sick of it.

So how did it all start? Well, I got ill. I had a migraine that lasted 5 days and didn't respond to any migraine medication or any of my getting-rid-of-migraine tricks. It was utterly miserable. I was in bed all week, in constant pain - often severe - and I think I even forgot to have my packs on some days. Before this, I should mention, I was doing pretty well on LLL (although my water consumptions was a bit low still) despite my adventures in bread and cheese from the last blog post.

Now I've been referred to a specialist in January, and in the meantime my GP asked me to come off LLL for Christmas - then restart in January to see if either approach made a difference, and to keep a headache diary. I talked to my LLC and she said that this was absolutely the right thing to do, and to keep a food log, with these columns:

TIME
FOOD AND DRINK CONSUMED
MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS BEFORE EATING
MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS 1 HOUR AFTER EATING

And you know what I've done? Neither. No headache diary, no food diary.

It's partly because I felt guilty. I had been toying with (okay, I'd already decided) to go off-diet for a few certain days over Christmas anyway which - when I think about it - is actually an okay decision, but I guess I was feeling guilty about it and then convinced myself that I'd subconsciously engineered this situation so my GP would recommend stopping LL for a while, even though I doubt the diet's got anything to do with my migraines (I had fewer migraines in the first 6 weeks of LL). Although in retrospect I couldn't have. Even I don't dislike myself enough to bring about a 5 day migraine.

And - you see - retrospect! That's something you don't have when you mentally plug your ears and go la la la.

Also, I felt guilty because my LLC told me this:

"Remember that one of the key things that helps when managing your weight is to plan/be organised around what you will be eating/drinking. However I know you will be fine as you are prepared to think about what you are doing!'

I felt guilty because by the time she told myself I already had gone wrong. It started off well enough - I feared, then thrilled in the novelty of participating in the weekly shop, loading up my trolley with stuff to make nice healthy but tasty protein and veg-rich meals for myself. But you know what offices are like at Christmas - chocolate and Krispy Kremes everywhere. I'd have "just one" here and there, but because my stomach's now so small that would keep me filled up all day, and my lovingly and thoughtfully prepared salad would go to waste in the office fridge. And the next day my opinion of myself would have dropped several notches - and with it my resolve - and I might have more than "just one" - even looking at my salads would make me feel guilty.

I mean, I haven't eaten terribly: I think I've eaten what everyone eats around this time of year: caution flies to the wind and you have a mince pie for breakfast, and pick at things you've baked, skipped meals entirely, eaten more than your fair share of biscuits etc. So I haven't binged in the physical sense: but the mental one, which is worse I think. I've been walking around feeling bloated and heartburny and guilty, and terrified every time I get dressed because I'm convinced I've put the 35lbs back on overnight. And it seems so wrong - so wrong - that my size 10s still fit.

Originally, I was thinking about coming off the diet for these days over Christmas:

My team Christmas drinks
A Christmas drinks/dinner with old friends
Another Christmas party with friends
Christmas Eve to Boxing Day
New Year's Eve and New Year's Day

And I thought I'm really going to enjoy these meals or drinks - they'll be treats - so I'll take small bites, chew slowly, really savour the flavour. Originally I thought I'd stay on foodpacks throughout, only "cheating" for these specific meals or drinks: I would come out of ketosis, but at least I'd still have my routine and my calorie count would stay relatively low. Even when my GP asked me to come off LL for a bit, I thought I'd at least eat healthily for the most part, then "cheat" for these special meals or drinks.

But I haven't. I've been cheating throughout. Which makes me depressed because these meals/drinks are no longer special, and they're tainted with guilt. Plus I've not been savouring anything - I've been wolfing it down because I'm scared and guilty and don't want to think about it.

However. I have been to all my Christmas parties and managed to have fun despite the guilt, and the immediate feeling of uncomfortable bloating afterwards. I went to a cocktail party in a SIZE 10 COCKTAIL DRESS half-convinced that I'd be laughed out of the building, but all I got were compliments (I spent the entire night telling everyone how uncomfortable my shoes were; I wasn't comfortable with being attractive, but that's another set of neuroses for another time) and lots and lots of male interest. It was most curious.

So now here we are in Christmas week. Today I'm off to my mother's - I might take some soups with me in case she tries to fatten me up. Tomorrow I have my LLL pop-in: I am PETRIFIED of being weighed, and petrified of feeling like a loser. I think I've put on at least 4lbs so far but I suspect most of that is glycogen, and just the weight of food. But I am going because I want to pick up my packs, and restart either LL or LLL in early January. My journey isn't over - I always told myself that this short break was a bit of an "experiment" with the safety net of restarting LL at the other end. I think I'm just sad and disappointed because the experiment failed somewhat.

But there's still time to salvage it. I'd like to say the novelty of food has worn off, but I doubt it has. However I know that eating that biscuit, or this bit of chocolate, on a day when I'm not planning to, really doesn't make me feel any better. I have a fridge full of healthy tasty food and days and days in which to eat it.

I'm not sure how successful I'm going to be, but I do know that the way I'm going is making me miserable, which is the opposite of the effect I wanted to achieve over Christmas.

Week 13: Day 89 FOOD TALK

2009-12-04T22:42:00.039Z

Today I ate.

I really want to write "I was naughty" or "I cheated" here, but I wasn't and I didn't. I'm not a victim or a child, and I wasn't "disobeying" anyone when I did it. I ate. Normal food. At lunchtime.

I went to lunch with some of my colleagues and I was playing with the idea of having some food. To be completely honest I was also playing with the idea of sticking to the plan - not out of guilt, but because I wasn't sure what I wanted.

When we got to the pub I ended up ordering a Ploughman's - I figured if I wanted to break the diet I could, and if not I could just have the cold meats and salad. In the end I had a couple of pieces of bread, some ham and some blue cheese.

I can honestly say it was through a desire to push the boundaries, to see what would happen, to experiment. Well, it was mostly experimentation - some of it was, well, not peer pressure exactly - no one was trying to force me to do anything - but I suppose part of me wanted to appear "normal" in front of my colleagues. I've been in abstinence for so long - and I'm new - that I do feel a little bit like a freak.

That said, a lot of it was experimentation. I mean, what would happen if I ate some cheese and bread? Would it be AMAZING? Would I explode? Would I put on immediately the 2.5 stone I'd just lost? And - more importantly - could I find my way back to the plan?

Since I've started LLL a week ago everything has gone up the creek a bit. My water consumption has gone way down (I attribute this mainly to the novelty of being able to drink milk in my coffee - something that's actually caused a tummy upset through - hopefully temporary - mild lactose intolerance), one day I forgot to have a pack and one day I forgot to have a meal! At my second LLL meeting yesterday it turned out I'd lost a pound, which I was actually happy with as I wasn't expecting to lose at all.

Anyway, so I had the bread and cheese. And it was nice. It was good quality bread and good quality cheese, and it was nice to eat those things again. But was it AMAZING? No. Actually, I don't know. I ate too fast to really notice. And I think I ate too fast because I wasn't sure of my motivations for eating, so I wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. And did I explode? No. I wasn't even ill, despite my apparent lactose intolerance.

And was it worth it? Well, no and yes.

No because I was so concerned about eating that I didn't take the time to appreciate the taste. The whole way through abstinence I thought that when I finally eat again, I will enjoy it - I will taste every morsel that goes into my mouth. I will roll it over my tastebuds savouring the texture, the heat, the sweet and sour and salt of it.

But I didn't do that. And if you're not going to do that - for whatever reason - it's not worth eating something that's going to do you more harm than good. If you're going to eat a cake, make sure it's a cake you really like, and that you enjoy every moment of eating it. Otherwise what's the point?

Yes because I realised that:

Food is just food. It fills you up. It tastes nice or it doesn't taste nice. That's kind of it. Food isn't love, or comfort, or anything. It's just food. And it's not worth damaging yourself over.

And did I come back to the plan? Yes. I did wobble a couple of times. I normally have a third pack at work, but I was stuffed after lunch (unsurprisingly) so I didn't manage it. On the way home I started to get hungry (but LL-hungry, not proper-hungry) but thought about not having another pack because I'd eaten at lunchtime - not to keep my calories down but, I guess, to punish myself for having eaten.

But then I decided that punishing myself - especially with food, or with witholding food - was a thing of the past for me.

Then, when I got home my boyfriend decided to have cheese on toast for dinner and I asked him if he'd make me one, too. I was thinking "well, I ate for lunch so I may as well eat for dinner and restart LLLing tomorrow..."

But then I thought about it, and asked myself why I wanted to do this. It was 50% naughtiness and 50% of that general oh-it's-cold-and-it's-dark-and-it's-Friday feeling. Which, I realised with perfect clarity, wasn't a good enough reason to eat something that wasn't totally good for me.

I guess I realised it was an emotional decision - and I realised this in the moment, not in a learned "LL" way (if that makes sense). It felt natural to question this; I mean, if I make a drastic emotional decision while in the throes of pre-menstrual hormonal weirdness ("Well she's not my friend anymore, she looked at me funny!") I never allow myself to act on them - purely because they're based on emotion and not reason and evidence.

So why would I eat some cheese on toast when I was trying to do something good for myself, and the cheese on toast might sabotage that?

I thought that with absolute clarity, and it made total sense. So in the end I had a big cup of tea, some fizzy water and flavouring, a food pack (chili con carne flavour! Actually very edible although it looked awful - but it was lovely to have something hot and savoury that wasn't soup) and a peanut bar and I honestly feel totally fulfilled.

If I'd had the cheese on toast I'd probably have wolfed it down like my lunch then sat around trying to feel content but actually disappointed in myself, and angry with myself because I broke my diet then didn't have the grace to feel happy about it. I know that sounds weird. It also sounds exhausting, and I can't believe I've put myself through this cycle of eating the wrong thing for the wrong reasons, then beating myself up over various aspects of it, for so many years!

So essentially I'm glad I ate today, because it showed me how I really feel about food, and that I can come back from it. Going down that slippery slope is totally dependent on my decisions, and I have the power to make the right decisions for me.

I still plan to eat over Christmas - but those are going to be events - those are going to be situations where I sit down and savour what I'm eating and drinking. The whole idea around eating over the holiday is that I enjoy all aspects of it - even the food - and not to do it because I want to feel like "a normal".

And then I'll come back to the plan. It doesn't have to be a massive deal.

I don't know if I knocked myself out of ketosis or not - I don't feel hungry (just having sucrose-coated tablets unwittingly during abstinence caused me to be constantly ravenous) but even if I am out of ketosis I should get back into it in a few days. I can handle it - I've done it before.

It's funny - at my LLL meeting yesterday I was feeling a bit cross because everyone there seems to cheat habitually. All the ladies were talking about how much wine they'd drunk at the weekend, etc., and after having been abstinent for 3 months it really riled me. But here I was, today, eating. I suppose a lot of it was fuelled by the ladies' eating, and seeing whether I would become this "part-time dieter" too if I did it.

But here's the thing. I don't intend to do this diet again. I don't even think of it as a diet so much as a programme to reset my thinking and behaviours around eating. We were all asked to set some end of January goals during the meeting. Here are mine:

1. Walk back to the further station after work 3 times a week.

2. Plan my daily meals a week in advance, and prioritise and give myself enough time the day before each meal to make them.

3. Learn 6 new heallthy and tasty recipes (and a couple of not so healthy ones).

4. Lose 7lbs.

The last one was a bit of an afterthought! I'm really just thinking about how I can improve myself, my self-trust, my independence from food and from others, and from feeling like a victim and a failure. It's almost as though, with all the lessons I'm learning, losing weight is only a by-product. Which, I suppose, is how it should be.

And it's interesting because I can see what I'm doing: LLL has been such a massive change that my inner saboteur has had a field day. She's helped me to "stop noticing" that I'm not drinking enough water. She's told me not to worry when I've had milk and had a stomach ache immediately afterwards. She let me be organised for the first couple of days, but towards the end of the week she kept me busy so I didn't prepare the lunches I'd planned etc., and it all got a bit random and vague and disorganised.

Making my goals, meeting these cheaty women, questioning how successful they're going to be AND doing my own little experiment has helped me to refocus. I only want to lose 7lbs or so. I may actually put on weight over Christmas.

But it made me aware of the dangers of complacency and how, if I'm not careful, my inner saboteur would like nothing better than to undo all the hard work I've completed.

And a final note to anyone on LL or LLL who's thinking about eating normal food: I'm not going to tell you not to. But remember, during your diet you'll have built up carbs and sweets and normal food up in your mind until they're these towering, glorious, mouthwatering treats. But what you'll probably find is that it's just food. It's just bread. It's just cheese. It's just cake.

It's just food. And it's not so fucking delicious that it's worth you breaking your promise to yourself.

Just keep that in mind.

Week 12 Day 84: WARNING - SOME FOOD TALK

2009-11-29T19:48:00.001Z

Well, today I have been roaming around feeling vaguely angry with myself all day for not doing my writing exercises or undertaking The Great Straightening of the Hair (my hair is so thick that this gives me arm-ache and tends to take about an hour), or just - you know, being organised - so let's just have a look at what I have done:

1. I posted honestly on the Minimins forum
I told them about LLL, I told them about wanting to eat over Christmas, I told them about my struggles with this and the motivation for it, and you know what? No one has jumped down my throat yet. In fact everyone has been really nice and supportive, and I'm still welcome to post on the thread despite moving to LLL. Someone may of course start warning me against cheating, which is their right and which I may actually need, but we shall see. But I've got loads of compliments as well, and the general consensus is that I'm making the right decision for myself. Which is lovely. I don't really know why I came clean; I guess we've been in it so far together and these ladies have been SO inspirational. They deserved to know the truth and as far as I know, no one on the boards has gone running for the biscuit tin as a result.

2. I put away all my too-big clothes
Despite the Miracle of the Size 10 Skinny Jeans, I'm still not brave enough to go abseiling into the attic to find my size 10 clothes, but I decided to take the first step and weed out all the clothes that were hopelessly too big from my wardrobe. There's quite a lot as it happens; depressing amounts of trousers that just seem like tents now (I tried the wash-your-jeans-at-60deg-and-they'll-shrink-a-size and it didn't work. Sigh. Aren't most jeans pre-shrunk now anyway?), and tops that I could swim in, plus a few I struggled with - I could probably wear them without looking like I was in my big sister's clothes, but they were just so depressing - that cheap type of thing that's not really your style but will do for now until you're slimmer, except you never are, and you're constantly reminded of this every time you take it out to put it on... Anyway, I got rid of those. No more making do! No more Mrs Nice Bea! Grr! Actually I've put them in a bin bag and stuck them in the attic. I'll probably end up taking them to the charity shop, but I don't want to keep them around. LLL is such a change from LL that I sort of feel like I'm not on the diet anymore (hopefully this is just temporary) and what with the "planned lapses" etc I'm worried that having bigger clothes around could provide a sort of evil safety net. I don't want size 14s or 16s to ever, ever be an option again.

3. I paid all my bills online!
This is a big thing. I was being really good with money and then the weight thing sort of spiralled and I found myself having a "don't look" approach to my bank account. Now I mainly avoid it because the chunk LL takes out of my pay packet is enough to give me a heart attack, but what with all the internal drama and misery of the last couple of weeks I *have* found myself straying and buying lots of trinkets I don't need. I think it's my back-up abuse when I'm not eating. Hm. But today I steeled myself, checked my account, paid my bills and.... well, it's not really that bad. It's not great - I would have a lot more money IF I STOPPED BUYING THINGS, but it's definitely salvageable. And I have enough moolah for Christmas, although some people may be getting potato prints or paper chains for Christmas. Which is no bad thing - I always buy way too extravagant gifts. Money is not love, just like food. Anyway, I didn't realise what a mental burden this had been until, after I'd paid everything, I went skipping round the house singing! So pay your bills! It'll make you happy, apparently.

4. I had my meal
Today it was a fried egg with smoked salmon, mushrooms, tomato and spinach. I wigged out at the cooking part again and had to enlist the boyfriend. Then I got all flustered again so I didn't really eat it until it was cold. I didn't wolf it down this time, I tried to stop and savour the flavour but I need to work a harder at it. I really think now that it is because I'm just so freaked out about it that I want to get it over with as quickly as possible!

5. I had a looooong shower and exfoliated with my favourite product.
Which was nice.

6. I made Christmas cake!
Bloody hell, what a process. Hot kitchen, all the bowls that we own all over the countertops full of raisins and flour and whatnot. I am not the world's most confident baker, but I wanted to make something Christmassy, and I wanted to bake, so I decided on Christmas cake! My mother's not making it this year (and I don't actually like it - but I love the smells) so I took on the job. Again, I was all flustered and got it all a bit wrong; the sugar and eggs and butter sort of curdled a bit, and I already had about ten tons of ingredients weighed out behind me, so I was panicking. It all seemed to work out in the end though; it's baking now, filling the house with lovely smells. If it turns out not to be poisonous I might take it to work as a Christmas present. Can't wait to whack on the marzipan next week! The worst part was zesting a lemon (even the merest hint of lemon on LL and LLL can whack you out of ketosis, it is VERBOTEN) - you know how it gets into your hands. I must have scrubbed them eight times already - I keep thinking I can taste lemon on my lips but it must be my imagination because the twain didn't meet. I'm thinking of making Lebkuchen - those little German iced gingerbread cakes - and sending them to my best friends as Christmas presents, too.

7. I got my clothes ready for the week
This sounds very sad and anal, but I always mean to do this at the weekend, but then I find I just don't want to think about the week and I end up at 6.30 on a Monday morning stomping round the house turning all the lights on, trying to find a sock, and I'm often late (well, later than I'd like) for work.

8. I got my meal ready for tomorrow
My colleagues are DYING to see me eat "proper food" so I'm taking my meal in for lunch tomorrow. Last night I rubbed some basil and a teeny tiny spray of 1 Cal Olive Oil on two chicken breasts and refrigerated them, and today I grilled them. One's gone back in the fridge; the other I shredded and added to a salad (spinach leaves, rocket, watercress, carrots and spring onions with a bit of lemongrass, ginger and garlic powder) with some sort up Parma ham. The amount of protein you have to have on LLL is insane; I'm still not entirely sure I'm doing it right (this morning my scales said I'd PUT ON a pound!) so I'll see how I go. Either way I will eat my lunch SLOOOWWWWWLLLLLYYYY. Even if it turns out that I have an audience.

9. I found a recipe for gingerbread syrup for lattes
And it's a recipe I can de-fattinise by replacing the sugar with Splenda! You can make it and whack it in the fridge for ages, so if I do go over to the dark side at Christmas, at least I won't do it at a full-fat rate... plus I can hang onto it for when I've completed RTM. No more will I have to rely on Starbucks for my gingerbread lattes! I can have them at home (we have an espresso machine)! You have NO IDEA how exciting this is for me. And also I DON'T WANT ONE RIGHT NOW. Which is equally exciting in a different way.

10. I bought a size 10 party dress
IT'S OKAY, IT WAS IN THE SALE. But it's a dress (I've not liked dresses since putting on weight; I've worn exactly TWO in the last 5 years), and a PARTY dress (I've never in my adult life worn one; I always think I'll feel like I'm on Strictly or something). But I also have been saying no to quite a few parties while on LL. I've gone to a lot - but I've also stayed away from a lot. But there's a party in a couple of weeks I'd like to go to, and I'd like to go to it in this size 10 party dress. I'm still convinced that it'll be like squeezing an elephant into a condom - not because I'm planning to eat and therefore won't be a size 10 - but because I'm still attributing the Miracle of the Size 10 Skinny Jeans to some sort of fault or anomaly. I will report back re this.

So I've done quite a lot really. And writing? Well, what's this then?!

Until next time....

Week 12 Day 83: eating again and the weirdness of it all

2009-11-28T19:54:00.000Z

WARNING: FOOD TALK

*********************

On Thursday night, while I was sitting at LL HQ waiting for my first ever LLL meeting to start, I was flipping through the little book you get when on LLL. Obviously, as there's a meal involved, what and how you eat is a bit more complicated than the full abstinence programme. There's a whole list of allowed proteins, vegetables, fats and oils, dairy and condiments, and vegetables. I read the list (so much of this, point zero seven of this, beans but not baked beans, this but not that, that but not that) and my mind spun.

Helpfully they also have recipes to start you off. One of them was for mushrooms, scrambled eggs(!!!) and bacon(!!!!). At this point I hadn't had my final pack and I immediately performed a mental inventory of the fridge. Now, I have become deacquainted with our fridge of late - given that I could have precisely nothing in it - but I was pretty sure we had eggs, bacon and mushrooms. I was so excited!

Of course the meeting was a late one so I got home at about 10, when thoughts of bacon and eggs are the furthest from even my little food-obsessed mind. So I made do with a milky coffee.

I was far more excited about this. The lack of milky coffees has been my largest burden while on abstinence - I have discovered a tolerance for black coffee, and I do love my banana lattes (I'm drinking one right now), but as far as I'm concerned milky coffees are Where it's At. The only time I've come close to wobbling in abstinence was when I almost ordered a gingerbread latte at Starbucks rather than a black Americano.

[NB: But kids, it's not worth it. It was a struggle in the moment but in 10 minutes I'd forgotten all about my gingerbread latte lust. That's the thing about abstinence and cravings: if you're in ketosis your hunger is blunted, so if you're tempted just mentally time-travel ten, fifteen minutes into the future. No matter how bad your craving is right now, you might be sweating and salivating and thinking you'll die if you don't have that thing, but just a few minutes from now you'll be thinking about something else, I guarantee it.]

Anyway, so I made a milky coffee (I even did the 'milky coffee' dance while the kettle boiled and my boyfriend called me a loser) in my favourite spotty mug, and took it through to the living room to drink while eating my peanut bar.

And it was....

Weird. Firstly the milk tasted off - it was a fresh thing of skimmed milk; I only drink skimmed anyway. I had my boyfriend go into the kitchen and check, but the milk smelled okay. It just tasted.... weird for the first few sips. And very filling! I usually go through about five or six mugs a day - now I was wondering how I managed it, and pondered how strange it was that it felt so filling when the LL shakes are so much thicker. But I started enjoying it towards the end - the flavours were very intense in my mouth - I could taste everything individually; the coffee, the milk, the sweeteners. Again I wondered at this because I can't taste the individual components of my banana latte.

Anyway.

The next day I had my meal for dinner. Egg, bacon and mushrooms as I had planned. And god, I've never been so nervous about making bacon and eggs in my life. My stomach flipped over, my hands were shaking. Actually, I didn't get up off the sofa until about 5 minutes before I was supposed to eat: I'd forgotten it wouldn't just involve the kettle and my hand blender. Finally I managed to cobble together the ingredients on my plate: garlic grilled mushrooms, grilled bacon and a poached egg. It just looked like so much - I mean, three rashers of bacon! Three rashers of bacon came to the weight specified in the book, but I couldn't believe I'd be able to swallow it down.

Shakingly I took my first bite. Tiny tiny tiny. And it was like something had exploded in my mouth: the bacon tasted so strong - again I thought something might be up (we had frozen the bacon) and got my boyfriend to taste it - he confirmed that's how bacon was supposed to taste. It was just so intense! So... meaty and, um, baconny. It was almost too much. The egg and mushrooms were less intense, but still very eggy and mushroomy. It was like someone had just turned UP the flavour! I ate really slowly; the meal filled a tea plate and I took about 30 minutes.

Afterwards I felt incredibly full. I'd been drinking milky coffees (well, as milky as my 300ml milk allowance stretched to) all day, and my stomach had sent me to the toilet a few times more often than usual. Before I began LL I had all the symptoms of IBS, but they cleared up within a couple of weeks of starting the programme. I couldn't figure out if it was just because - perhaps - I had been eating more than my digestive system could deal with properly - or whether it was a food intolerance. I definitely don't have any food allergies, but I wondered if it was a wheat intolerance. I figured it couldn't be milk, because there's loads of milk in the packs. But now I'm wondering. I hope not because, hello?! MILKY COFFEES. But this is me tending to panic before I have all the facts. It could just be that my stomach's not used to eating, you know, FOOD, so I'll give it a couple of weeks.

Today I had my meal for lunch: flaked hot smoked mackerel on a salad of carrots, spinach, rocket and watercress and tomato. And it's LOADS! To meet the protein requirement it's ONE AND HALF THINGIES OF MACKEREL! I put it all in a big salad bowl and it almost filled the bowl. Again, the flavours were so intense - I can completely still taste the fish in my mouth as though I've just eaten it.

But I'm sorry to say I wolfed it down. I'm not sure why - maybe because I wanted to eat it while it was hot, because I was nervous (it is SO ODD to eat: I really feel like I'm doing something wrong and someone's going to catch me!), but mostly probably because of habit. I shall be watching this in future. No one is going to kill me if I eat slowly.

Today also I went to Sainsburys and ACTUALLY BOUGHT STUFF! Tins of tuna, fresh smoked salmon, Parma ham, cold roast turkey, marinated tofu, Quorn mince (both for the freezer) and about a ton of vegetables. Very exciting. On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I'm out in the evenings so I'll need to take my meal for lunch - I'm trying to plan it all in advance so I don't get caught out.

I'm going to grill the chicken breasts with some basil, then dice them and stick them in a salad with some Parma ham and artichoke hearts. The same with the turkey. The smoked salmon I'll have tomorrow with a spinach omelette, and I'll make a tofu stir-fry thing on Friday.

And I think it is this - this planning (and not reluctant planning, either) that proves to me that I'm not just doing this as an emotional stepping-stone to cheatingland. The boyfriend bought some brownie things at the supermarket and it would have been easier than ever to reach across and have one "because I'm eating food anyway", "it's not that massive a cheat" etc. but it honestly didn't occur to me. I mean, it occurred to me in the way that "I wonder what would happen if I jumped" occurs to you for a millisecond when you're on top of tall buildings, but not in any meaningful way.

I mean, I know I plan to eat over Christmas, but on the days that I'm not eating I plan to stay on the programme 100%. And I know I probably won't lose weight over that period. And that I may have to go through all the getting into ketosis woe and misery and unwellness again. But the thing is, it's worth it. I'm being flexible in order to give myself a nice time over Christmas, and continue losing in the new year.

I may have to take a packed lunch to work on Monday, actually, as my colleagues have threatened to gather round my desk because they can't believe I'll be actually EATING FOOD.

Week 12 Day 83: My first LLL meeting

2009-11-28T18:45:00.000Z

So, as you know, I did a lot ofworrying about and deliberating over what to do with Christmas coming up.

Actually, I'm quite proud: my normal tendency would be to worry and worry at it, the same bit of it, coming back and back to it in a vaguely obsessive/compulsive way. Don't get me wrong, I did a bit of this - but then I wrote out my thoughts and feelings in emails to my best friend, who's very good at picking apart the why of things - and the particular why I was worried about was the this-is-just-an-excuse-to-eat why - and to my friend who completed LLL, as you saw below.

And after I sent the emails, I tried to let it go. Think about something else (work, specifically, as that's where I was). This was a mixed success, but it wasn't a failure, so I'm okay with it. Bit of practice, that's all I need. Let's hope I don't have to make too many big life-changing decisions like this too close together.

Anyway. Considering that all this thinky stuff went on over some days, actually joining LLL was a very quick process: I called my LLC, I went to my pop-in and stayed for the LLL meeting, got my book, chose my 21 foodpacks (21 foodpacks! Not 28! And it's £45 per week rather than £67!), and then I was a fully paid-up member of the club!

I was really nervous about meeting the others in my group - cheaty and all as the remaining women in my abstinence group were (oh, did I mention THEY ALL CHEATED?! They were lovely, unutterably lovely and gorgeous women, who kindly gave me lifts home and stuff, but they blithely admitted to me - not our LLC - that they cheated relatively regularly. One woman always put broccoli in her soup. I mean for god's sake, if you're going to cheat, have a cake or something. Have some fucking respect for the process. They all cheated for their individual reasons: one woman had laryngitis and took throat sweets so I've sort of let her off, but still. I was the only one in my group who was completely abstinent, and I lost the least. It sort of demotivated me and made me lose trust - not in the programme - but certainly of baring my heart and soul in group).

Anyway, as deeply flawed as they all were (and obviously I am pure as the driven snow myself), I knew them. And now I had to get to know another group of people who had been together since September...

But it was okay. I was sitting there tensely twisting my crossed legs around each other (which I suppose shows you how much weight I've lost) and feeling shy, but it was okay. One other lady was new, moving to LLL from abstinence (which is now apparently called Lighter Life Total, which sounds like a Spanish imported product to me, but anyway), and two of them were about twenty minutes late and got a bollocking from the LLL, and so we all bonded a little by staring at the floor in horror.

Then we talked about how we look after our bodies. "Oh crap," I thought, because I barely look after mine at all. We had to imagine that someone else was moving into our body for a week, and that we had to leave them instructions. Here are mine:

Give it some coffee every morning before you leave the house or you'll miss your stop.*
Shower daily.*
Use all the hair products provided to avoid frizz.*
Try to let it sleep for 8 hours a night.
If the head hurts, put it to bed.
Do the physio's stretching exercises daily.
A long bath once a week would be nice.
Do not put it in high heels or it will fall over.*
Keep it hydrated.*
Apply body lotion daily to avoid wrinkles.
Walk it to work in the morning, and walk it back afterwards, despite its protestations.
It is fond of its jumpers, soft leggings and Ugg boots, so wear those when at home.*

The asterisks are for the next question our LLC asked - how many of these do we actually do ourselves?

Well, I throw my body in the shower, I moisturise and de-fuzz it and straighten its hair most days, to make sure it's acceptable to the outside world. I suppose I do just enough so that I can keep a job, and so that people in the street don't back away from me in horror, and that my friends don't ask me gently if I've heard of moustache waxing for ladies.

But I don't actually do that much to care for myself. And that was our LLC's third question: how do you care for yourself? Other people's responses were very sensible: I allow myself to sit down and watch rubbish on TV; I meditate; I take the dogs for a walk; I have a spa day, etc.

I don't take care of myself. I take anti-care of myself.

I don't really pay attention when it's tired or has a headache or anything (or, poignantly, when it says "But I don't WANT it to be Pizza Night!"). The only things I really do are buy FAR TOO MANY CLOTHES TOO OFTEN, and feed it treats. The number of times I've gone ahead and held Secret Pizza Night even when my body has been craving a nice salad or, more accurately, a big mug of tea, some toast and an incredibly early night.

I know that when I get a migraine I should go straight to bed. Medicine, lights off, lie still until the throbbing slows and you fall asleep. I know that if I do this I'll feel at least marginally better when I wake up. So why do I so often find myself rubbing my head, feeling nauseous and just awful, IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION?

Also, whenever I have a massage I get a migraine. Every single time. I love massages - when I've been stressed I've thought "I know, I'll book a massage". So I do, and I really enjoy it, but a lot of it really hurts and I worry that I'll get a migraine afterwards.

My physiotherapist explained to me gently that it was because when I'm tense the joints in my back sieze up, and the muscles around them go into spasm to protect them. So when a masseuse eases out all the knots in my muscles, there's nothing left to protect the joint, and that causes the migraine. I nodded wisely at this and then had lots of spa days.

Recently I saw another physio and he said "There's no reason why you can't ever have a massage - let's just sort your back out first. Have you been doing your exercises?"

No. I hadn't.

"Have you been getting headaches and migraines?"

Yes, loads. But I hadn't been doing my exercises. Or going to the physio that often. Even though I know that if I do the exercises, I'll have fewer headaches and migraines. I just don't know why I don't do it: there always seems to be something more interesting to do. It just doesn't seem important.

Another thing I realised during the meeting: before I lived in London - when I was a skinny minnie - I used to do two things:

Pizza night (not SECRET pizza night, please note) - one night a month I'd get myself a pepperoni pizza, DVD and tub of ice cream and just have a quiet evening. I could never finish the pizza or the ice cream, but it was nice.
Once a week I'd put on my favourite pyjamas, make a pint of tea (and maybe a hot water bottle) and take myself to bed with a favourite book ridiculously early. Like 6pm or something. I loved it - particularly if it was raining out. I'd look forward to it all day, and it was a private treat. I'd probably read for a couple of hours then drift off about 8pm, and I'm sure I felt really rested for the rest of the week.

I don't do those things any more. Pizza Night has morphed into the self-punishing routine that is Secret Pizza Night, and I haven't even considered the early night thing for years. I suppose I moved to London and thought it was an unsophisticated way to relax; I should probably be unwinding with a Martini and some retail therapy or something. And I moved in with my BF and I guess I didn't want him to think I was weird.

Maybe it's time to readdress that. I mean, a very early night is possibly less weird than the sadomasochism of a painful massage that gives you a migraine.

Week 12 Day 82: a new beginning - LighterLife Lite. Difficult questions and honest answers

2009-11-27T14:06:00.002Z

I am sorry I haven't posted here in a while. I've been asking myself some difficult questions and coming up with very honest answers that I was afraid would make me a target for criticism. But it is my blog, and it is my life, so I'm just going to get on with it.

Firstly I should tell you that I'm now 10lbs from my goal weight and have switched to Lighter Life Lite (LLL). This is the slightly less intensive programme where you have three foodpacks a day and one no-carbohydrate meal.

After much deliberation, nail-chewing and pacing (more on which later), I went along to my first LLL meeting last night and officially started today. After almost 3 months of full abstinence and absolutely no cheating, I'm a little afraid of my meal, which I will be having for dinner.

NB: I do plan to post about LLL and how it's all going on here - including recipes - so if you're in abstinence and you don't think you can handle food talk, I do apologise, but you should probably turn back now.

Secondly, despite my great terror of doing so, I bought some size 10 skinny jeans. I had that awful “oh these aren’t going to go over my ANKLES” moment when I tried them on, but I am sitting here wearing them AND THEY ARE A BIT BAGGY. Confounding all my expectations.

So. The thing I've been thinking about, and have been too scared to say anything about for fear of retribution is.... (drumroll) .... CHRISTMAS. Christmas and its attending social get-togethers and so on. Because I KNOW I'm going to eat (and drink).

This is the part where you call me a bunch of names ("weak"; "saboteur"; "cheater"; "quitter", etc.) and leave, slamming the door on your way out.

And I know it's insane. I've survived this far without cheating once - and I've been to restaurants, parties, been on short breaks and taken part in birthday celebrations. In fact it was my mother's birthday recently and I spent the day with her; on the way there I bought lots of food she liked: blue cheese, Parma ham; pasta salad; roast peppers and artichoke hearts and Mozzarella; little cakey things and nice wine (incidentally these are things I'm rather partial to as well), and I didn't even have a NIBBLE.

So why am I planning on ruining all my hard work by eating over Christmas?

That's exactly what my lovely wise post-LL friend said when I confided in her. This is the exchange:

---

FRIEND: > Being totally devil's advocate about it, part of me wants to say that you've done so amazingly well - not cheated at all?? bloody hell! - then why not just stick with it and forget what time of the year it is. It's only one year and what you're going for is so worthwhile.

ME: > Well, you see, this is the thing. My faulty conscience and my overactive guilt gland think I SHOULD salute my three months of abstinence, tattoo “FOOD IS NUTRITION NOT LOVE” on the inside of my eyelids, straighten my back, lift my chin and stomp virtuously through Christmas with my focus firmly set on that bright Nazi future of February 2010.

BUT.

Christmas is really important to me. More so, possibly, than my holiday to America in February: you cut me, I bleed eggnog. Obviously a large part of it is roast turkey, (skinny) gingerbread lattes, the excuse to eat (say) chocolate cherry liqueurs for breakfast, and so on. But that’s all part and parcel of the taking part, the enjoying, the kicking back.

I know I can, in theory, take part, kick back and belong while staying abstinent – because I've already done it for over two months.

But I will be MISERABLE if I do this over Christmas; I knew this from the beginning: when I started in September I hadn’t anticipated (and wouldn’t ever have countenanced) doing LL over Christmas – BECAUSE it’s such a big deal for me - hence the increasing wobblies the closer we get to December. And - perhaps this is actually the LL psychology working here – I deserve to NOT be miserable.

I'm in a new job and I WANT to go to my new team’s Christmas lunchy thing – and eat, like everyone else. I WANT to have Christmas lunch and eat at my almost-in-laws’. I WANT to go to a couple of parties and have silly cocktails! And I WANT to make florentines and Lebkuchen and be able to eat a couple! A stronger person might be able to do this wielding their soup pack and fizzy water and have as brilliant a time as everyone else, but I’m not that person. I feel isolated and freakish, and very sad for my tastebuds.

Essentially, I think that abstaining through Christmas might actually WEAKEN my resolve and self-belief, because I’d be so chuffing miserable and TRYING to be brave. I think it would be punishing myself.

FRIEND: > If you do come off it, but still with a goal to achieve, how does that affect your holiday in February?

ME: > Obviously there’s the danger that I’ll do Christmas, then keeping putting off restarting LL until February then they have to haul me on the plane to the US using some sort of winch.

But.

I have a big problem with self-trust. My entire possible undertaking of this thing would involve me saying to myself “Self, you abstained AND lived for three months. And I am committing to trusting you to start again in January”, then honouring that commitment. In a weird way I think it might help me, ahem, “grow” (sorry). And it does mean:

1. I've been breaking my back to lose the extra weight by Christmas. But, given that I'm losing an average of 3.2.lbs a week, that's unlikely to happen. But this way I’ll have 2 months, rather than 3 weeks, to lose the extra 10lbs (if indeed I need to), making a big saving on a the crazymaking.

2. I won’t feel deprived because I’ll have done the Christmas thing and anyway EVERYONE diets in January.

3. I’ll be motivated because I’ll want to be skinny-skinny in time for my holiday.

4. My bezzie mate will also be dieting for the holiday – and I see her the most out of all my friends, so that’ll be motivating.

FRIEND: > It does sound as if you're ready to go on to RTM though - as long as you can say to yourself 'well, if this is the extent of the loss, then I am happy. This is the weight I want to be and I'm proud of myself and I'm happy about where I am right now'.

ME: > I’m not sure I’m quite THERE yet. I mean, apparently I am a size 10. My brain definitely hasn’t caught up yet, I think I still look lumpy in my undies, and I am 10lbs above where I want to be. I am not “holiday skinny” yet. But I kind of feel “Christmas skinny” if that makes sense.

FRIEND: > I don't think you're going to go mental with it over Christmas, because you have put so much work into it and you're not going to throw that effort away.

ME: > Well, this is part of it you see. I don’t THINK I will either – I’m scared I might – but I’m trying to learn to trust myself on this, based on the evidence of the last 3 months. The thing is, I KNOW I will cheat on Christmas Day, and I may be tempted/actually cheat on other days over the season, too. So will I do this randomly, emotionally, and feel like crap about it? Or will I do it in a planned, accepting, adult “okay, it’s Christmas, let’s pick it up on the other side” way? And is one of these options masquerading as the other?

---

And that's what I've been debating with myself about:

Is my plan to cheat just a self-sabotage tactic? Or am I actually looking after myself?
If I do cheat, will I do it randomly, emotionally, and feel like crap about it? Or will I do it in a planned, accepting, adult way?

All I can do is go by how I'm feeling. For the last couple of weeks I've been VERY demotivated at the thought of not partaking at all in Christmas. I've been stepping on the scales each morning, WILLING my body to shed the 10lbs before the season kicked in.

And now? Now I'm hopeful and optimistic. I feel like I've made a decision that's true to me - not one that's going to spoil everything, and I have my head back in the game.

After all this thinking I went to see my LLC yesterday and told her very honestly what was going on in my head. The first thing she said was, "If you eat conventional food, is the world going to end?" She also said that as my LLC she couldn't endorse cheating. She said that she would have continued in abstinence through Christmas but that everyone is different.

And the weird thing is - if it was my birthday or something coming up, I would have stayed in abstinence with only a twinge of deprivation. But it's Christmas, and if I don't eat I won't feel part of it.

My LLC said that if I hadn't been completely abstinent and so good at learning from the programme so far, she would have come down on me like a ton of bricks, but she could see that I was trying to handle a tricky situation, and that I knew what the consequences were (have to get back into ketosis; weight loss compromised for that week), and that I was making an adult, unemotional decision.

So the plan is this: do LLL for a couple of weeks, see how that goes - I may lose the 10lbs then (although I doubt it) at which point I can go into the LLL version of Route to Management. I'm going to go off-diet for maybe 2 or 3 days over Christmas, then continue either LLL or RTM.

Of course now I've made this decision I'm not even sure I will cheat. I may go to the restaurant or party or whatever and find food that fits into the LLL plan, at which point I'll decide whether or not to have a glass of wine. But I will, FOR THE MOST PART, be on LLL.

I'm not going to mention it on the Minimins boards, because many people (and probably rightly) will tell me off, and I don't want to upset (or tempt) anyone who's staying abstinent through the holiday. And god forbid that this is the effect this news will have on you.

But I still think it's a healthy decision. For me, not necessarily anyone else. Of course I'd be totally miserable if I went completely off the reservation and started chowing down on everything over Christmas. But I don't think I will. And I think I just recognise that I deserve not to feel horrible over my favourite holiday of the year, and I'm taking steps to minimise any potential fallout.

Week 9 Day 68

2009-11-13T19:21:00.000Z

Today hasn't gone so well. Well, it hasn't gone brilliantly. But it's interesting because I think I've caught myself in the middle of a self-sabotage. I haven't got to the part where I'd normally sabotage myself with food yet, but it's interesting to see what's going on right now.

Basically, I was poorly yesterday. On Wednesday night I came down with a massive migraine while at the cinema, which was a bit galling. And then I suffered through the Tube ride home - really, it was horrible. My head pounding and the feeling of a vice on my skull, and the increasing feeling that I was going to throw up, and feeling faint, and my home stop soooooooooo far away.

I got home, took some migraine medicine, threw up and then took to my bed at something like 9pm. I was pretty upset about throwing up, too - I hadn't done that yet on LL - and I'm ingesting few calories as it is!

On Thursday I took the day off sick, and then tried to get up and be productive (why?!), only to feel even worse and eventually retire to bed again and more migraine medication. I slept for a really long time, and began to feel human again after that. I didn't drink as much water on that day (mainly because I was asleep, and also filling my stomach made me feel very queasy again and I didn't want to vomit again), but I managed to have all my packs somehow.

Today I took as leave. It was planned in advance, and I had hoped to use the day to catch up on my writing for NaNoWriMo (I'm quite behind).

And this is where it gets interesting. Because I'd planned to use the day for writing, I really tried to make it work. Despite the fact that I'm still not feeling that well. My head is still sensitive and my stomach's still not doing exactly what it's supposed to.

But despite this I plonked myself in my study and just told myself to write, write, write, getting more and more frustrated when I couldn't produce many words.

Eventually I "let" myself have a break (not a real break, you understand - I was still working on other stuff, I just did it in front of the TV.

Then I took myself upstairs again to write. And I've produced very little. So I went onto the NaNoWriMo forums to see if I could glean any wisdom and one thread caught my eye. It was entitled "Are you having fun?"

Was I having fun?

Most certainly not. I was still feeling under the weather and tired, and was driving myself to achieve something very strictly, without any reason to feel motivated.

Because I'd planned to do this, I wasn't letting myself get out of it. I'd just got myself into a very negative mental state ("You MUST do this otherwise you will have FAILED!"), forgetting that:

1. I wouldn't treat anyone else like this, certainly not if they were just recovering from a horrid migraine. I'd give them cups of tea and make them lie down and read their favourite books, watch something that made them laugh. I'd encourage NAPPING. I wouldn't lock them in a room and make them perform.

2. NaNoWriMo is a hobby. It's meant to be fun. Obviously it's hard to write 2000 words a day, but the idea is that you live in your story and have fun telling it. My internal critic has just been going "Oh god that's SHIT, what are you thinking?" every time I try to write. No wonder I haven't enjoyed it.

Now, as I said, I haven't got to the food abuse part yet, but enough of this sort of thing and the "victim" side of me will rebel and eat something bad/do something terribly unwholesome/rebel by fucking up a different part of my life, just for some release.

So I'm not sure what to do now. Whether to call it a day and lie down with a book, or try and find the "fun" in writing. I suspect I'll need to take the former option. It's a strange pickle to be in - you can see what you're doing is wrong, but you don't know how to change it. Yet.

Week 9 Day 65

2009-11-10T21:31:00.001Z

Ever seen a thought process from beginning to end? I've not been writing here or posting on MiniMins lately. Tonight I wrote an update post on the forum, which I'm going to post here in its entirety, because it says so much:

*

Hello ladies,

*So* sorry I've not posted for ages *again* - and *again* this is going to be one of those big splodgey posts of news.

November has been so freaking busy. I just don't know where the days have gone! I'm taking part in a writing competition where you write almost 2,000 words of fiction every day through November. It's an insane task but I've been looking forward to it all year... and now it's here, I've been avoiding it like the plague! V interesting from an LL psychology point of view. Instead of writing I've... well, let's just say my house is *very* clean. Have made some headway now though.

Had some nice days though. Took a day off for Guy Fawkes and my friend who's finished LL and I mooched around Brighton all day, then went to Lewes for the legendary Guy Fawkes parade (I grew up in the next village). If you haven't been I do recommend it - it's a bit like Mardi Gras. It was odd to be in the pub and just drinking sparkling water though... however, didn't miss not having a hangover the next day!

We had lunch at Zizzi and it was my first LL pack in a restaurant - they weren't too fussed about giving me a bowl and some hot water for my mushroom soup. And on the way to the loo I caught sight of myself in a full-length mirror and just couldn't believe it! I look so skinny! Not perfect, but on the way! The size 12 skinny jeans are now a bit roomy! I was squeezing myself into a size 14 when I started LL (which may not sound like a lot but it's plenty when you're my height and you're so overweight that your ankles barely support you). It's weird, we have full-length mirrors at home, and of course I put my face on in the mirrors in the morning, but it was only when I was out of the house that it really hit home how much I've lost. Have peered at myself at the mirrors in the house since, but haven't had the same effect...!

I've been feeling a bit unsupported in my LL group. Everyone is very nice and our LLC is great and v wise, but she seems to hold about 4 different LL groups every day, and doesn't remember information about you from one week to the next.

We agreed I'd do a condensed RTM because I'm going away in Jan. Now she's saying no. And she keeps getting my height wrong and telling me my goal weight is too low... Plus she seems to have forgotten I'm 3 weeks behind the rest of my group and is telling me I have to go into RTM at the end of November, despite the fact that I won't have completed Foundation by then.

I'm sure this is always the way, but our group has dwindled to four people. The other 3 are lovely, but they're losing loads AND THEY'RE CHEATING. I'm losing an average of 2.6lbs a week and am fully abstinent. I'm not going to cheat, but it is annoying me. And I don't think they're going to do RTM either.

The whole thing has been making me feel rather demotivated to be honest. And it's suddenly become really important to me that I

a) hit my goal weight by Christmas, and
b) go into RTM before Christmas.

The Christmas season is hotting up and I've been feeling very down about the prospect of not being able to eat or drink at the various do's I'm due to go to (putting "nothing", "nothing" and "nothing" for starter, main course and pudding for my work Christmas party was depressing). And I've been fixating a little on some drinks things I have coming up, and how I'll only be drinking sparkling water, and how unfair that is.

But ladies, having come back on the boards and just through reading this thread I've realised what I'm doing: taking a situation I don't feel happy about (not hitting goal by Christmas; feeling unsupported at group), not doing anything about it and - suddenly - feeling deprived and so on. And the reality is that I *can* hang on over Christmas - I'm only 18lbs (18lbs!!!!) from goal and rather than celebrating the success, I'm channelling all my angst about what's going on into worrying about what's to come. If I need to I can have a Christmas dinner (the lack of this is what's *really* bugging me - that and the fact that I miss milk in my coffee. But I WILL have that in RTM!) next year. One year I had food poisoning and my family had a "second Christmas lunch" in January when I was better, just for me.

Although I have "only" 18lbs to go, because my losses have been small it's actually taken me a month to lose 9lbs But I *can* handle another two months in abstinence if I need to. I won't like it, but I *can* do it, and getting to goal is more important than milk in my coffee, after all.

So thank you ladies. You may not have felt like you've done anything, but just reading your posts in this thread and the amazing way you're all dealing with this, it's helped me to realise my own crooked thinking and give me hope.

*
If you're doing LL and haven't registered on a forum, I do recommend it. It's so helpful, in so many ways. I've been keeping myself so busy lately that I've been using the few moments I've given myself to think about LL, I've been feeling bitter about how much work I've done, and how I'm not at my goal yet, and how it might be a longer haul than I'd thought, and it means I'd have to miss out on Christmas.

Which is very narrow crooked thinking. Having the odd drink in a pub isn't a big deal. Eating a turkey dinner isn't a big deal. Losing 3 stone is a MASSIVE deal. And yes, it's not easy and the thought that I may have to spend a further two months on it IS unpleasant. But doable. And though I miss the milk in my coffee I get to have it during milk week, if I continue in abstinence, and as soon as I start RTM!

And another way to look at this could be this: I have two months! Two months to think about what I'm going to do when I'm slim. What I'm going to change. How my life is going to be better. To figure out how to increase my exercise in a way I enjoy. In fact, I'm in a perfect place to do this now - thin enough that I wouldn't feel like a complete freakzoid joining, say, a Pilates class (which I know is a brain thing rather than a fat thing per se), but if I don't like it, I can try something else. In fact, all time is a perfect time to do this, but the extra two months' grace allows me room for experimentation.

And I don't need to feel bound by my LLC's inconsistent advice. I know what weight I need to be when I finish. I know that, given my height (because I know my height!) that my goal weight isn't too low. I know that my losses are relatively small, so I know I shouldn't go into RTM until I hit goal weight. And I know I want to do a condensced RTM, not because I want to hurry back into eating, but because for someone like me - someone who was offered LLL - 12 weeks of RTM might actually be demotivating.

But I wouldn't have realised any of this if I hadn't gone onto the LL MiniMins forum and seen how well, and positively, other people are doing.

I am my own boss. Which occasionally means checking that I'm on the right track. And since I'm a nice boss I'm not going to give myself a hard time for the crooked thinking I've been doing.

Week 8 Day 57

2009-11-02T17:58:00.000Z

A quick tip for your weigh-ins: wear your lightest clothes to group on weigh-in day.

Yesterday I was lamenting my small losses at group and, while my LLC was out of the room, a lady in my group asked if I hadn't noticed that everyone wears exactly the same outfit to group each week. Obviously, being the jeenyoos I am, I hadn't.

This lady pointed out that another lady in our group wears the same leggings and sack-dress every week. I had noticed this, but alas I figured she just didn't have owt else to wear. But I also noticed that after her weigh-in this lady pretty much gets dressed during the rest of group - pulling on socks, boots, jumpers, cardigans etc.

The lady I was talking to said the other lady does this deliberately to maximise her losses. She pointed out the jeans, belt, jumper get-up I normally schlep around in and advised me to go home, strip, and weigh my clothes. "I bet they'll add up to at least a pound," she opined.

So I did. Just now. Jeans, socks, belt and jumper. And you know what? TWO FUCKING POUNDS. My clothes are eating up my weight loss! I know it's all relative in terms of weekly losses, but it does explain why my post-pee (nekkid) weight in the morning is something like 4lbs less than my 2pm weigh-in weight.

Next week I'm wearing leggings and the lightest top I own.

Today I have been unaccountably hungry, and I'm pretty sure it was down to the 2 paracetamol I took for a headache at lunchtime. They're caplets, and as much as they say they're not coated, I bet they have a sugar coating on. Bums.

Week 7 Day 56

2009-11-01T21:40:00.000Z

Hurrah! I'm in a buoyant tonight, for a change. My reasons are 3:

1. I FINALLYgot a list of all my weekly losses from my LLC.
I lost my record book way back in week 2, and since then I've been peering over my LLC's shoulder when she weighs me then trying to remember what she said. The good thing is that, although my losses have been small, they haven't been that bad. In total I've lost 22lbs, making that a weekly average of 3.1lbs so far. I have 6 weeks left on the programme, and using my average to date I should lose another 18lbs, which should leave me only 2lbs over my goal weight, and I could lose that during my condensed RTM in December.

2. I realised I can revise my goal weight, and Christmas dinner isn't cheating. Necessarily.
If I don't hit 42lbs by the first week of December, I can still go into RTM, because I'll at least be in my healthy weight range by then. Then I can come back at some other point - either after Christmas or after my US holiday in February (did I mention I'd booked a holiday? SO EXCITED...) and lose the rest on Lighter Life Light. It's a flexible plan, and I can always go back to group sessions to help me through Management. I think I'll find these really helpful while navigating the muddy waters of weight management.

Plus, a lady in my group ate this week. She's a very nice lady, very calm and well-balanced. She told us about this very calmly, and I thought our LLC would give her a bollocking. But she didn't! She just asked whether the lady had eaten in her "adult" ego state, or if it had been an emotional reaction. And it turned out the lady had always known she was going to eat on this day - because it was her and her husband's 20th wedding anniversary, and they went out for dinner. She didn't eat a lot, she did it to keep her husband company, and she made up for it with an extra gym session later that week. Our LLC was very impressed - she said she couldn't endorse cheating, but if you were going to cheat, this was the best way to do it.

Now, I'm hoping that by Christmas I'll be far enough along RTM that Christmas lunch won't be an issue. But I really want to have Christmas lunch. I can handle being on RTM in December, and not nibbling or drinking in the run-up to Christmas, but not having Christmas lunch would break my heart. I was vegetarian until last year, and last year I cooked my FIRST EVER CHRISTMAS LUNCH with all the trimmings. I was so proud and it was gorgeous. I love Christmas, and would be very upset if I couldn't have my lunch and glass of champagne - my boyfriend and I always spend Christmas Day together, without our families and all the hassle (that's for Boxing Day!), and Christmas lunch is something we both look forward to. And what the lady said made me realise I could, as long as I was careful and didn't slip again.

That's not to say I'm planning to do this - I still maintain that lapsing is a really bad idea. But by that point I may well be close to the end of RTM anyway. I've been able to handle total abstinence for eight weeks, but the idea of missing Christmas lunch just makes me very sad, and not depriving myself wouldn't be the end of the world if I did it with my "adult" hat on and didn't use it as an excuse to sabotage myself by continuing to lapse. As my LLC says, Christmas is a ritual, and sometimes we can bend the rules a little.

3. I started NaNoWriMo!
I'm taking very slowly because of all the other stuff I've got on, so I'm deliberately only allowing myself to write for short amounts of time per day. Starting is the worst part, but I've done it! It's so freeing because I've had terrible writer's block all year, and even in the short time I was writing today I could feel myself starting to let it go. Doing something just for my own enjoyment is such a strange thing to get used to, but it is such a delicious feeling of freedom when I really let myself do it.

Today I also walked most of the way to my LL meeting - it's about 2 miles away and, as you may know, being overweight I've had real trouble with my ankles when walking. But today there was no pain! And one of the ladies gave me a lift most of the way home, too. I think next Sunday I'll try to be brave and walk the entire way.

I didn't do much for Halloween - my best friend came over last night and we chatted and watched some scary movies - it was a lot of fun. Again, this sort of thing would have been an excuse for us to order "naughty" food, but we had just as much fun without it. Although a little wine would have been nice.

On Friday there were some drinks at work. I ducked out early, mainly because I was tired, but also because I wasn't sure how I'd fare in a situation where I'd normally use alcohol as a social lubricant, and because when you're not drinking, everyone wants to know WHY. I don't think I have a particular problem with alcohol (chance would be a fine thing: I'm such a cheap date that I can get drunk on half a pint), but it does make me wonder how I'll cope at drinky events. Ah well, I'll have plenty of opportunities to practice in the coming month.

Friday was, again, a very stressful day - I made a slight mistake which I couldn't immediately rectify. My manager told me it wasn't a big deal, but I just felt awful, because with better planning I could have avoided it. I was so busy feeling guilty and exposed and embarrassed that I didn't drink quite enough water. I'm still finding it difficult to tell whether it was really as bad as I painted it. Perhaps this is a "crooked thought" I can explore tomorrow evening when I work on my green book.

Week 7 Day 53

2009-10-29T22:46:00.000Z

Well, I haven't posted here, but not because I've been busy doing lots of things I don't want to do. Nor have I been wallowing in the bath, doing my nails for three days.

I've been laying the groundwork.

Firstly, I realised that October is coming to an end, which means it's almost time for NaNoWriMo! That's National Novel Writing Month for the uninitiated, in which you join an online (and often local) community of frenzied writers trying to complete a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. I know it sounds like an insane task, especially for someone with no time, but once you get past the insanity of the endeavour and realise that your only objective is to complete 2,000 words - any 2,000 words - per day, you start to stop monitoring yourself and it just becomes a pure creative rush. Which, for someone like me, who's been stifled by various things (of my own making) is extremely attractive. I did it last year - and I was already doing about 15 other things that November - and loved it, and really want to do it again. For no other reason than I like it, which seems a very flimsy reason for doing something.

So anyway. How was I supposed to do all this when I could barely move now for extracurricular activities? Well the obvious answer was to ditch the stuff I didn't enjoy for the things I do enjoy.

So I did.

I told the people I freelance for that I needed some time off. I was very uncomfortable doing this - I wanted to lie, to say I had family problems, or that I was ill. To make people pity or excuse me - anything to avoid saying just that "I want this" - even thoguh I'm perfectly entitled to. I'm still not comfortable with it - I still think that someone else would be perfectly entitled to it, but for me to do it seems like an incredibly selfish thing.

I know that makes me sound like a complete doormat.

But I asked for it. I said I wanted a break because there was some other stuff I wanted to do. I didn't make out that I was a poor old thing, or that something was wrong in any way. I just said I wanted a month or so off so I had time to do something else I wanted.

And you know what? I got it. My freelance employers weere more than helpful. "Go and do your thing," they said basically. "We love you so come back when you're ready."

So I didn't quit entirely - after some wise words from my ex-LL friend I realised that LL is huge. So huge. So much is happening to me right now, inside and out. So I shouldn't make any rash decisions right now. She also cautioned me against doing NaNoWriMo because it is so gruelling, but when she said that I felt really sad! Like someone was taking away a toy I was really looking forward to playing with! That's what made it clear to me that I really wanted to do it, and I should make time and prioritise what I really want to do. I just won't push myself if I don't make the 50,000 word mark. It is the taking part, after all.

So that's positive.

Also, a couple of things have happened that I haven't yet dealt with on LL. Somebody in my personal life did something that I found upsetting, and on the same day I had a disagreement with someone at work.

The personal upset really got to me, and it was interesting how I dealt with it. I got angry, I got hurt and eventually I turned all that inward, and a horrid voice told me "they wouldn't have done this unless you were a really crap person". But I knew it was just a voice, it wasn't the truth. And it was patly through my own working out, and through the validation of my friends' reactions to what happened that made me realise that it wasn't me, it really was a hurtful action from the other person. I was still upset about it, and about the very fact that there was a voice in my head telling me it was my fault - and I didn't really know what to do about it - but, I dunno, it was a different sort of upset. I felt one step removed from it somehow.

With the disagreement at work - essentially I communicated something in a certain way, and another person took it rather badly, and reacted badly. Normally in this situation I would apologise. Then I'd apologise again. Then a third time just to be sure. I wouldn't examine the situation to gauge whether it was really my fault: partly because I just don't like conflict and I want it to be over as soon as possible, and the quickest way to end it is to accept the blame for everything! And also partly because I just assume it's my fault because, you know, everything is my fault. Later I would examine the situation and realise, perhaps, that it wasn't all my fault after all, and that the other person was also to blame, and I would become resentful. Even then, the next time I saw that person I'd cringe a bit and be meek, all the time feeling angry and self-loathing inside.

This time I didn't allow myself to do this. I still felt like apologising my bum off, but I just kept it to apologising for my tone, and made it clear that it hadn't been my attention to upset this person, and I left it at that. I felt awful. I blushed all afternoon and found it difficult to concentrate, but I knew that I was upset over the personal thing, and I somehow knew that it wasn't my fault. I think in these situations I've always known that it wasn't my fault - I just never let myself listen to that voice. So I sat on my urge to throw myself at this colleague's feet and offer up my firstborn, and nominally at least, kept my dignity.

Being on LL strips away more than your fat. Fat can be a shield - it certainly is for me - and you start to learn to live without it. My shield kept me a shrinking violet - stopped me being a force to be reckoned with, and stopped me having to "reckon" with the world. And being without it is opening my eyes to how I deal with the world based on my beliefs about the world - and that those beliefs might be wrong.

However, on that day I really felt the lack of a nice stodgy pizza and couple of bottles of beer when I got home! Normally I would curl up with my byofriend, in my nice warm house, and bury myself in these and use them to hide away from my problems. But it never really works. Your problems are still there the next day when you're feeling bloated and rubbish, and to be honest they never really went away. They were there, niggling at you at the back of your mind the whole time, and rather than being a nice food you enjoy, it's something that makes you more guilty - not only has an unpleasant thing happened, and perhaps you haven't dealt with it effectivelly or you've done something to betray yourself somehow - but now you're trying to solve your problems with a pizza, like a loser. So you become filled with self-loathing, and you eat more to try and push that feeling down, as well as all the stuff about your problems.

But I didn't do that. Instead I went on the Minimins forums and posted about my week. I always feel guilty posting about negative stuff because they're always so upbeat, but I just had a vent. And I got such brilliant responses. Which is when I realised how I was supposed to making this feel better: admitting to it. Saying it, expressing it, not internalising it.

Obviously it's not as simple as that. But it's another strategy. One that doesn't involve blaming myself for everything and punishing/rewarding myself with food.

Today I made a boo-boo. Another thing happened at work, not a massive thing, but it made me uncomfortable. And I wound up having 2 peanut bars in one day! I did it nominally because I was going out tonight and i had loads of meetings today, but I could really have fitted in my two porridges. It was a tiny self-sabotage. But I see what I did. And it's not like I had a cheeseburger!

Tonight I went on a ghost walk around London towne. We must have walked 3 miles, and I really enjoyed it. We walked past so many restaurants, I felt like a ghost myself, I was so removed from that world. Not that I would have dived into every eatery before LL. It was just odd. Here in week 7 I seem to have become more susceptible to food smells! I want to eat everything. For about a second. Just smelling food makes me almost unbearably hungry for a second, where it was much easier to handle before. All quite odd.

Going to pop into Minimins so will wrap this up now.

Week 6 Day 49

2009-10-25T17:02:00.000Z

Only a short post today, because it has come to my attention that I don't take enough time for myself. Me-time is crucial on this diet - you need time to work through your green book, put into practice the stuff you're learning, and treat yourself with long languid baths and hair treatments etc.

I bought loads of bath stuff and hair stuff, but I've been just nipping in and out of the shower and the rest of the time it's been work, work, work. My job, freelance work (which I volunteered for!), friendships, household chores, everything - I've been running myself ragged over it all, and I've had no time for me. I've just taken on too much. So from now on, everything else is going to get the bare minimum and Bea Time is going to be the order of the day.

Which isn't self-sabotage, I don't think. I think it's just prioritising everything over my own wellbeing - purely through habit. And I wonder why I keep getting stress headaches and feel run-down. Posting on here, writing down my thoughts and discoveries, is part of this. I meant to post every day and now I will, even when there's nothing newsworthy to say. Beware!

So anyway.

Today's weigh-in said I lost 2.5lbs this week (making it a total loss of 20lbs), despite my having drunk 6 50cl bottles of water a day. I didn't feel that discouraged, though, because my scales say different - I've been weighing myself every morning, and according to my scales I've lost over 22lbs in total.

But even taking into account LL's version, I've lost 20lbs in 7 weeks - if I lose another 20lbs I'll be close enough to my goal weight to quit. And it's an average of 2.4lbs per week. I am hoping that drinking more water will make more of a difference. And I am due my period, so perhaps that's skewed things.

Today we looked at challenging core beliefs, and where they come from. I was very happy to learn that most of my core beliefs are already being challenged - they were before I started LL. I've always been very black-and-white about my own crapness, so it was a shock to realise - ACTUALLY REALISE - that those thoughts are just opinions! They're not based in fact. In fact everything that I held to be true now feels very shaky. I don't think I would have been able to get this far on LL if I *really* thought I was crap anymore.

I have been very hungry this week, though. I was fine until now - could handle being around food, no problem, but now I want to EAT. I want to eat cheese and toast and potatoes and all sorts. This may be the week-7 itch: I'm much closer to the end than I was at the beginning (obviously!) so that's challenging me. I've also been unwell and it's FRICKING COLD, which may have a bearing on things.

However last night I cooked for the first time - a friend came over and I cooked her and my boyfriend a bolognese (proper Italian family recipe Bolognese, this is) and I LOVED IT. It was a bit weird to make it, serve it up, then sit down with a hot chocolate for myself, but I didn't mind at all. I just loved the whole process - adding the ingredients, smelling the lovely smells, adding spices and so on.

I can't wait to cook more. When I've finished LL I'm going to be cooking all the time, and I'm really looking forward to it.

All right, in the interests of looking after my own wellbeing, I'm going to retire to the sofa to put my feet up and work on my green book.

Week 6 Day 42: catchup

2009-10-18T18:40:00.000+01:00

You're getting a bumper pack of posts today because I've been so lax lately.

This week I've been really busy and quite stressed at work. I did do 3 notable things though...

1. I spent a night at my best friend's
I really miss my friend; she used to live near me and work at the same company, so we saw each other almost constantly and put the world to rights on a daily basis. Now she lives on the other side of London and I've a new job, so it's very different and I have all the attendant fears that she'll lose interest etc. I'm a bit calmer about this now, but I still miss her, so it's nice to spend the evening together and find out what's going on in each other's heads. She's been really supportive about LL, and each time she came back into the room she was marvelling at my weight loss ("you really are a skinny minnie!" she kept saying). We talked about various things; when I told her about all the worries I had about people reacting badly to my weight loss she pointed out, "yes, but don't forget you used to hang out with dickheads and you don't anymore" which was a very good point. What's interesting is the next day I travelled into town with her for work and was so convinced I'd get lost navigating the journey that I almost stayed with her, even though her eventual destination would be further away! We also, as I mentioned, have been junk food enablers for each other but we both stuck to our diets and didn't use our being together to push us into bad habits.

2. I went to a restaurant
It was with my team for lunch. Everyone seemed very guilty about eating while I sat there with my sparkling water and my black coffee. The food smelled amazing, but I wasn't really tempted. I've just got to a point where I think "It's just not worth it". I mean, I was sitting there in my size 12 skinny jeans, for god's sake! I contented myself with holding onto the menu and wondering what I would have had if I wasn't on LL - and what's odd is that I picked very different foods from the ones I would have had before. Before I would have thought PIE AND CHIPS (it was that sort of restaurant...) without a second thought, but perusing the menu I found myself picking things for the taste of them, not just the bulk and comfort food connotations.

I have also been receiving lots of compliments from people at work, including:

"I'm amazed at your stamina, well done!"
"Not everyone can decide to change their lives and actually do it. It takes a special sort of strength."
"Check you out in your skinny jeans!"
"You've lost weight all over, you look totally different - well done!"
"I'm so impressed by you. I don't think I could do it."

They also suggested getting me a "finished my diet" cake at the end of LL! I told them that was very sweet, but sort of missing the point....

3. I saw my friend who inspired me to do LL
I myself am partly impressed by this, as I was so stressed at work (and privately freaking out about all this crooked thinking stuff) that I really just wanted to go home and curl up on the sofa at the end of the day, so being social was actually a bit of a trial (seeing my best friend was different though - that IS a bit like curling up on the sofa!). This friend hasn't seen me since I started and was very impressed. We talked about all sorts of stuff - LL, self-image, our shared hobbies, people we know, etc etc. It wasn't all dietdietdiet, and I think I may have helped her with some stuff too.

I've been feeling headachey for a lot of the week - haven't had much sleep and have obviously had emotional stuff going on (even if I didn't realise it) and on Friday a migraine struck. It was so severe and nothing seemed to work - on Saturday I was curled up in a ball, crying. I think it might have been a sinus headache rather than a migraine, but it's so hard to tell. Today I'm better - have been in bed all weekend with it - but still very delicate and not even sure I'll be able to go to work tomorrow. I'll see how I am this evening.

The odd thing is I've been craving crisps the entire time my head's been bad! I don't eat crisps that often generally, but I think it does highlight that when I feel ill, I eat. It's all part of the hiding away thing. And really what I need when I have a migraine is darkness, quiet and sleep (and pills!). However this has been a doozy, I have been lying in the darkness for hours on end but it didn't really help.

Best get off the computer then!

Week 6 Day 42: LL wizardry - more crooked thinking and lifelines

2009-10-18T18:15:00.002+01:00

Today only two of us made it into group, so we had our LLC to ourselves. We talked about our weeks, and any crooked thoughts we may have had.

Again, the stuff about male attention really stood out for me - in fact, it's not male attention so much as my appearance is changing, other people are reacting to that, and it's freaking me out. But, although I posted about it on here and seem to have reached a conclusion, I'm still reacting emotionally to that. And when this sort of stuff comes up, I just want to hide from it all - so I have done. I haven't done any of my exercises, haven't posted on here, I've just tried not to think about it.

The truth is that since I've put on weight I've sort of enjoyed being invisible. As an overweight person I could look back on my youth - when I was slim and attractive but thought I was hideous and fat - and think yes, I was attractive. I could do it because I was "safe" now hiding behind my weight.

But you see now I'm approaching being slim and attractive again, all the old fears are being stirred up. When I was slim I had a lot of trouble with jealousy from female friends, male friends suddenly "trying it on", etc. etc. And now I'm returning to the way I looked then I'm worried it's going to happen again. So rather than feel flattered by cute guys in the street giving me the eye, I get all worried. Or I worry that the female friends I love will suddenly drop me when I'm skinny.

But back then I had some really shonky friends! Friends who used me, who always indulged in one-upmanship, and male friends who were, well, male. I've managed to put all that behind me, and it's down to me making the right choices about who I let into my life, not down to me putting on weight.

My situation is very different now; I have really supportive people in my life, and friends who love me for me, whether I'm fat or thin. Some people have got a bit stiff now that I'm approaching attractiveness again, but to be honest they're not people I rate or remember.

But rather than face all this I've squirrelled it away and tried to not think about it at all this week. Also my LLC said "there's nothing wrong with being pretty, why do you keep apologising for it?" which struck a nerve. In the past, my prettiness has made other people feel bad (and I honestly don't know how, because I'M NOT THAT PRETTY! We're not talking Angelina Jolie here!). But I suppose if people feel like that it's their problem and their insecurity, not mine. I'm not a threat, but if people treat me like one I suppose there's nothing I can do about it.

And in case I was getting carried away with my own prettiness, I was brought sharply down to earth on the way out of my LL meeting by a gaggle of GORGEOUS SUPERMODELS gathered outside for a photoshoot. These women were a million feet tall with figures slimmer than my little finger and cheekbones like razor blades. It's all a question of perception.

The other topic we covered was lifelines. This is where you get a piece of A4 paper, turn it so it's landscape and make a chart:

On the left axis you list your ages from 0 to now, ascending (0, 5, 10, etc.)
The next column you split into 3, for underweight, normal weight and overweight
You mark a cross next to each age for each weight
The final column is for 'events' - here you list every significant thing that happened to per age range when you strayed from normal weight

I've been normal weight for most of my life. My weight fluctuations were, loosely:

14 - 15: Overweight
21 - 24: Underweight(!)
30+: Overweight

Which is really interesting because if I leave it at that, I can look back at those ages and think yeah, I was having a bad time. But actually listing what happened during those years is eye-opening:

14 - 15: Overweight - crucial family bereavement; problems at school (socially/academically)
21 - 24: Underweight(!) - family health problems; money problems; anxiety disorder; unsure about future
30+: Overweight - moving to London, launching career, v v stressful job, another bereavement; moving/buying house, realising I was overweight (which in itself is a trigger!)

This helps in two ways.

I think I've been carrying around guilt all these years because comfort eating is a "weak" thing to do. But actually looking back and auditing what was happening (which obviously I've outlined very vaguely here) has given me a newfound respect for myself. Loads of rubbish things happened (as I'm sure they happen to everyone) - all in quick succession. Taking it all into account now I'm proud that I just overate and didn't do anything more destructive.
In all of these circumstances, I just didn't know what to do. In some cases I was forced into a corner, in others I only perceived that I was in a corner. Either way, I was dealing with a lot of stress and didn't know which way to go. And apparently, when I don't know which way to go, I go in. I retreat to the comfortable and familiar. And I eat. I was dealing with a lot of conflict and stressful people, and I hadn't worked out how to deal with that in the moment. So instead, I hid away. And ate.

So really, I need to work on dealing with people and events in the moment. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to deal with it, but the truth is it's not going to go away just because I pretend it's going away.

And to be honest I like food so much that I'd rather eat for taste than for padding!

[UPDATE]
Obviously, when I was underweight I didn't eat that much. I wasn't anorexic at all, I just was so anxious all the time I literally couldn't get food down my throat. But I did do the rest - avoidance, retreat, all of that. And I firmly believe that if I could have eaten, I'd have overeaten.

Week 6 Day 42: 6th LL meeting and weigh-in

2009-10-18T17:29:00.000+01:00

Just got back from my LL meeting and weigh-in: according to them I've lost 2.4lbs, which is a marked improvement from my 1.4lbs losses of the last couple of weeks.

I'm firmly convinced this is down to increased water consumption. For the first two weeks I was guzzling 3 litres a day, and lost 4lbs and 3lbs respectively. Since then - I don't know what's happened - I've had "good" days where I remember and drink at least two litres, and bad days where I just forget and hardly drink any (ie on the 70 mile round trip by train to see my mother last Saturday).

All of this is, I think, a symptom of self-sabotage. I forget to drink water - not just because I'm busy at work and rushing around - because I don't prioritise it. I've been quite disheartened with my small weekly losses lately, and it's almost as though my inner saboteur is playing the long game; waiting for me to get so disheartened that I quit the programme altogether. For the same reason I've neglected this blog, haven't done my "three things that I've done well today" lists or any of the homework I've been set. The pretext is "I'm busy" but the subtext is, basically, "losing weight and everyone's reactions to it is scary and new, and I'm not really worth it anyway, so I'll just stay overweight because it's more comfortable".

I only had this realisation towards the end of the working week, so I've really made an effort to drink more water - and I think this has shown up at my weigh-in. If I'd drunk more water all week I think I'd have seen a bigger loss. I'm also finding it demotivating to see the weight loss on myself, then go and get weighed only to find out that I've only lost a pound or so, so I'm weighing myself at home day and night (it's not recommended on the programme). I'm actually finding it quite motivating as I can see the numbers going down and don't just have to rely on my weigh-in.

Anyway, this is how I'm drinking enough water: I carry my little 50cl Evian bottle everywhere with me and sip from it constantly (or try to). Because I'm small I don't need 4 litres, just 3 (minus tea and coffee). So that's 6 bottles a day.

And I have 6 cheapo plastic neon bangles on my left arm. For every bottle I drink, I move one to my right arm. So by the end of the day I should have 6 bangles on my right arm - otherwise I sit around wondering how many I've drunk.

I down one as soon as I get up. Before I have my coffee or anything. I'm normally thirsty first thing anyway, and this way I'm down one bottle before I even brush my teeth!
I start drinking my second bottle when I'm halfway to work (to avoid being caught out).
After that I try to have my third and fourth bottles while at work.
I start drinking my fifth when I'm halfway home.
Instead of my sixth bottle, I pour 50cl of fizzy water along with my water flavouring into a glass, and sip it through the evening. I try to finish it by 8.30pm to save getting up to go to the loo repeatedly during the night.

Et voila.

I've found a rhythm to my packs now, too. No soups at all here, just:

Banana latte in the morning before I leave the house (hot banana pack, two sweeteners, instant coffee blended together). I had to work up the courage to try the banana pack alone with coffee, but it's really nice - I make it in an extra big mug so it's not gloopy. The banana is, surprisingly, not so sweet so it helps give that milky consistency.
Porridge for lunch. When I first started having it, I rushed it so people at work didn't ask about the diet, but I'm less concerned with that now - having unlumpy porridge is more important than what people think of me! I put the powder in a bowl, smush it down with the back of a spoon, add small amounts of cold water and just stir all the lumps away. Then I zap it in the microwave for 30 seconds, stir again, and zap for a final 30 seconds. Unlumpy porridge all round!
Peanut bar at around 3 or 4. By then I'm usually knee-deep in work and the thought of getting up and preparing something is a bit beyond me.
Hot chocolate pack at dinner time. Again, it's surprisingly nice hot (especially if you whack 2 sweeteners in) and tastes just like hot chocolate!

At the weekend I have my bars in the evening - the peanut one is lovely toasted for a minute then crumbled into a bowl and sprinkled with salt.

Yummers.

I shall do that tonight.

Week 6 Day 37

2009-10-13T21:12:00.005+01:00

So. Size 12 skinny jeans.

Yesterday I was feeling very self-conscious wandering around the office in some size 14 skinny jeans that I was literally lost in. I had them bunched and hoisted around my waist with a tightly done-up belt, but I really looked as though I was wearing my big sister's clothes (and I don't have a big sister). The weird thing is this was one pair of 3 jeans I'd bought a while ago but not worn, because they were too small for me. And now they were unflatteringly big for me! Which was both a cloud and a silver lining.

So on the way home yesterday I popped into New Look and picked up a pair of size 12 jeans (£10! And really nice! get ye down there!) so I'd have "something to aim for". Of course as soon as I got home I rushed upstairs and tried them on. AND THEY FITTED.

THE SIZE 12 JEANS.

THE SIZE 12 SKINNY-ASS JEANS FITTED!

Just to clarify:

I'm about 5'. So size 12 for me is like size 16 for a normal sized person.
I've been having small losses week on week, and have only just crossed the FIRST STONE mark.
I haven't fitted into a size 12 for about FIVE YEARS. Before I started LL I was challenging the borders of size 14, and about to make the unhappy jump up to a 16.
They not only fitted, they looked NICE! NICE! I didn't look like a pair of sausages stuffed into doll's clothes.
I also have these boots - long boots I've been saving. I have felt the size of a big stuffed sausage for some time now, but I suppose I was (theoretically) determined to lose weight by Christmas, because I've been coveting these boots for ages - but didn't want to wear them while "fat" (also wasn't entirely sure I could squeeze my calves into 'em).

ANYWAY. I asked Boyfriend to buy them for me for Christmas, but to KEEP THEM FROM ME until I'd lost weight.

So last night, in my skinny size 12 jeans, I dug them out and put them on (they look great! And fitted!) then pranced around in a selection of jumpers for Boyfriend to pass judgement. He was very amused and really impressed (he is famously, er, conservative with compliments). He used words like "dramatically slimmer" and "don't look overweight at all", which was really great.

Today I wore my skinny jeans and long boots to work. Being skinny, they are constricting and I think I mistook this for "tight" and panicked. So my size 14s came along in a bag with me! But I didn't need them - the jeans fit fine, but it did throw up a new thing I've been noticing, which has been doing my head in....

Male attention.

I'm quite pretty. I feel very squirmy and want to hide under the sofa saying this, but it's true. I'm not boasting - and I'm not hugely pretty - I see plenty of women every day who outstrip me in physical beauty on an almost hourly basis! But I am quite pretty, and since I've put on weight I really haven't missed the male attention I used to get.

Now I'm skinnifying it's sort of started again (particularly noticeable today while I've been slinking around in my boots and skinny jeans) and I'm not sure how to respond to it. One the one hand I panic, because I just assume I'm walking around with snot on my face, a boob hanging out, or my fly undone. But (I don't think!) that's the case. Yesterday I got a wolf whistle. Today I noticed boys (cute boys! And not just scary middle-aged sleazes, who always gave me unwanted attention when I was very overweight with a rack to match) checking me out in the street. Several builders gave me the once-over when I popped out for a cigarette at lunchtime. And on the way home I popped into Boots and the young man at the pharmacy section flirted with me!

I can't say it's not pleasant. It is. What's not to like about cute boys thinking you're hot?! But the truth is I miss my invisibility. Being overweight made people's eyes slip over me in the street. Now I feel watched. I feel conspicuous.

I think I'm worried about being "attractive" again - when I was skinny I could never accept that I was attractive (I thought I was hideous) but over the years, as an overweight person, I have been able to look at my appearance more objectively. Anyway, that sort of made all the negative things that come with prettiness even harder to bear - people judging you by your appearance, male attention (don't get me wrong - when cute boys and people I'm attracted to find me attractive, it's great! It's just very perturbing otherwise), other girls' wariness and competitiveness, etc. etc. etc.

So far, so "don't hate me because I'm beautiful". But the fact is there are benefits to being overweight if you have a tendency to avoidance. Going from overweight and invisible to male-attracty in a few weeks is a bit of a mind-bender. And I'm not sure how to deal with it.

In other news, I went home to see my mother at the weekend - she made me promise to email her the week-on-week allowed-foods list when I start RTM, so she can cook me yummy allowed food when I see her! I'm also pilfering some family recipes of my favourite foods from her, too.

To celebrate my stone's loss I've treated myself to a pot of Creme de la Mer and am going to pick up some guitar strings for my favourite guitar on Friday, so that I can play some music over the weekend.

Tomorrow I'm sleeping over at my bezzie mate's, and on Thursday I'm having a coffee with the friend who inspired me to do LL - she seems really curious to see what I look like now! So I won't update until Thursday or Friday.

Have a good few days :)

[UPDATE]

I think the thing is, *I* don't place much value on prettiness. I mean, sometimes you'll be just walking around and you'll see someone who's stunning - and that's always nice to see. But I don't really give a crap about who's pretty and who's not. Especially with those people - you know the ones - who are really attractive, then you start talking to them and within seconds you've forgotten how attractive they look because they're so boring/horrible/narcissistic etc. But that's what really important - yes, I look okay, but I'm also a nice and interesting person. That's what's important to me, and that's what I look for in other people. So I'll just take the pretty-attention stuff as a compliment, but I'll try not to let it colour how I deal with people (in particular running away from people/situations for fear of being looked at!).

Week 6 Day 36

2009-10-12T18:57:00.001+01:00

Today I only have this to say:

SIZE TWELVE SKINNY JEANS, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Thank you.

Week 5 Day 35: 5th LL meeting; crooked thinking; scale inconsistencies

2009-10-11T16:40:00.000+01:00

Just got back from LL group.

According to their scales, I've lost 1.4lbs this week, which mean I've now lost a stone. But according to my scales, this morning I'm 17lbs down from the morning before I started LL - and even the jeans I had trouble getting into before are now at serious risk of falling down.

But I've not been doing very well with water consumption - yesterday I was travelling and barely drank any because I didn't want to be caught out on the train. However, this week I'm really going to make a project of drinking water - and aim to drink and refill my 75cl bottle twice in the morning, twice in the afternoon and once after I'm home. That'll be my project and I'll see if it makes a difference to next Sunday's weigh in.

I'll fill you in on my week later, but I wanted to note what we talked about in group today. Crooked thinking - we looked at this in more depth, according to this template:

The event
The crooked thought you might have / the balanced thought you could have
How you feel given either option
Action you might take in either option
How you feel once you've completed either action

We were asked to think of something that had happened this week, and apply these rules to it to see what we thought/felt/did, and how we could (or actually did) make it more balanced.

I thought I was doing pretty well in isolating my black/white thinking, but actually something else happened this week that made me feel severely emotional (which I then buried and forgot about, but which influenced my mood for the rest of the week).

So. This isn't at all food related, but as you may or may not know, I do some freelance work on top of my regular job....

EVENT

I learned that a friend of mine - another freelancer - landed a really cool freelance gig.

CROOKED THOUGHTS

"But how! I'm so much better than her!" / "That's really mean and bigheaded of me to think, I'm supposed to be her friend! Why can't I just be happy for her?" / "I'm a rubbish friend and she's always nice to me."/ "I'm so disorganised that I probably wouldn't have landed it anyway" / "She deserves it more than me." / "I'M RUBBISH.' (I have that one a lot)

EMOTIONS

Jealousy / anger / self-loathing / despair.

ACTION

Withdrawal.

Congratulate her in the most sincere way possible then crawl away feeling awful about myself.

EMOTIONS

Sad / self-loathing / lack of confidence.

But what we talked about in group is that this was actually about my own lack of confidence when pitching for freelance work. This particular friend is an amazing self-publicist, whereas I try to let my work speak for itself - which, luckily, works quite well at the moment, but I am dreading the day that I have to pitch to someone as I expect I'll get tongue-tied and lose my nerve.

But with all that in mind, my thought process could have gone like this...

EVENT
I learn that my friend has landed a really cool freelance gig.

BALANCED THOUGHT

Gosh, that's impressive. I wonder how she does it. I'm a bit jealous, and this is an area I don't really feel comfortable in. Maybe I should follow up on the freelance stuff I've yet to do (BECAUSE **ALERT ALERT** I HAVE SOME FREELANCE STUFF I'M ALREADY DOING, WHICH I CONVENIENTLY FORGOT ABOUT WHEN I WAS FEELING ALL SELF-LOATHINGY). Maybe I can get some tips on pitching and confidence from my friend.

EMOTIONS

Inspired.

ACTION

I look at my own schedule to see what can be improved, and get some useful advice from my successful friend.

EMOTIONS

Accomplished / hopeful.

This really opened my eyes.

My LLC said "Bea, your default setting is 'I'm rubbish'. All roads lead there - and it's where you're comfortable. But that's not the logical conclusion of every situation. You have a small crooked thought, then it snowballs into bigger and bigger ones so that by the time you're finished you're upset about something to do with yourself (being a rubbish friend) rather than facing and dealing with the thing you were already upset about (being nervous about pitching). It's a clever sabotage trick - but that's all it is. It's not THE TRUTH, and the way to deal with it is to realise when you're having that LITTLE crooked thought and question that before it becomes the big thought."

See? They're all wizards. Wizards, I tell you!

Week 5 Day 32: the doors of perception

2009-10-08T20:09:00.001+01:00

Now, the first thing I wanted to type here was "I've had a crap couple of days" but the LL wizards teach you about "catastrophising" and "black and white thinking", so the truth is I've had some crap elements to the last couple of days, and I'm tired and crotchety.

Yesterday I had a sinus headache all day (crap) but completed a day's work (good). Then I met my best friend for a trip to the cinema (good), but it was *weeing* down outside and I had loads of transport problems getting to the cinema (crap), but I did get there in the end and really enjoyed the film (good). I also managed to drink the requisite amount of water yesterday (good) by taking my water flavours to work and adding them to my bottle (genius!). I tried to get enough sleep last night (good) but was still tired and headachey this morning (crap). But I struggled into work (good) late (crap) but my manager was very understanding (good). In fact it was all I could do to stop myself coming straight home as per her suggestion and going back to bed! But I went in because I had an important meeting to chair today; I chaired it and it went well (good); I managed to have all my packs so far (good), I got lots of work done - and done well (good); I was a little afraid I'd have to leave early because I wasn't feeling well (cra- actually, not crap: just taking care of myself), but I stayed all day (good) and came home at an appropriate time (good). I was tired and crotchety (crap) and pissed-off (crap) and had a mild go at my boyfriend (crap, well, understandable). Normally at this time I'd retreat into a big bowl of pasta or something, but instead I'm watching a favourite DVD and planning an early night.

All of which is too detailed BUT actually shines a different light on the last two days' events rather than how I would have felt about it - and portrayed it - if I'd said "I've had a crap couple of days". Thinking like that colours how you feel about everything. I only wore a light top and a cord jacket to work today - but it was colder than I thought - so I was freezing (and grumpy) for most of the day, and annoyed with myself for choosing the wrong clothes. It was only on the way home that I realised that I couldn't fit into this top or that jacket three weeks ago, and felt entirely different about my clothes choices!

Actually, the thing I was sniping at the boyfriend about was my DVD - being on crutches and working from home anyway, he's home a lot. He was supposed to go out tonight and I was planning on watching my DVD. But he's not going out tonight and didn't want to watch my DVD with me. I got into a "You always watch what you want to - why can't I watch my stuff for a change?" type argument.

This is perhaps typical of black-and-white thinking. He doesn't always watch what he wants to - it's just that I'm tired and crotchety toniht and wanted to watch my thing. But the thing about DVDs is that you don't have to watch the entire thing in one go. So I watched my DVD until he finished work (he finishes about 1.5hrs after I come home normally). Now I've stopped watching it, he's having his dinner, then we'll watch something we both enjoy, I'll have an early night, then watch the rest of my DVD tomorrow.

So not as black and white as all that.

Another thing I've been feeling slightly snippy about are the attitudes of my workmates - a couple of them have been a bit dismissive of my diet, and I've been annoyed that they've "all" been unsupportive. But the truth is that most of them have been really complimentary (including my manager) and supoportive - and - one of them has told me she's thinking of doing LL after seeing how I'm dealing with it, plus another told me how much she admired me as she's been battling with her weight all her life. So a very different picture to the grumpy one I was building.

And while I was feeling grumpy I also got annoyed with myself, thinknig "I should never have told my workmates about this diet - if I was really strong and had any self-respect I would have kept it to myself - this is just like me- I always need validation." Which is all tosh - I told them because I thought they'd notice my weight loss and strange space food, and because... wel, I'm trying to be more open about things, not hide them away. And maybe if I had had more self-respect I could have kept itto myself, but baby steps. I did the best in the circumstances (besides which I think we'll have to accept the fact that I haven't been really strong - if I was really strong I wouldn't have overeaten in the first place! Or maybe, even more honestly, I have been really strong, but I've been pouring my strength into other things - like my career, and stuff - and I'm only now applying that to my weight loss).

I really need to give myself a fucking break.

So today I've

Braved a headache to go into work
Done some really good and useful work
Had a few insights about my behaviour and (to some degree) changed my outlook to a slightly more objective view.

Which isn't too bad. Now I'm off to enjoy my relaxing evening.

Thoughts on weight loss, group dynamics, self-esteem and expectations

2009-10-06T20:34:00.000+01:00

It just occurred to me that I always shied away from group weight loss programmes like Weight Watchers largely because they were, well, group endeavours. I just didn't want to talk about my weight issues - certainly not in a group of people.

And of course in Weight Watchers there isn't that counselling aspect, there's just the getting weight (as far as I understand) in front of everybody, and then the inevitable talking about it. I don't like groups. I don't like being overweight. I don't like mixing the two. I always thought that

I would feel left out
I wouldn't connect with anyone
They would think I was weird
I wouldn't lose as much as everyone else
They would all bond and I'd be left out

Basically I thought they'd all be grouped in a cosy corner losing weight and coming up with strategies supporting each other, and that I'd be failing of my own.

But you know what? I joined my Lighter Life group late - so they'd bonded for 2 weeks before I got there. I have little in common with them. And they are all losing much more weight per week than I have so far.

But one lady took my number and called me one day when she was having a difficult time of it. A couple of the other ladies and I seem to get on well. And none of these things have affected the way I feel about my weight loss. I didn't think oh I'd better stop now at any point.

At any point.

It's been really difficult, I've had a few slip-ups (the sucrose tablets, the cinnamon), I haven't lost as much per week as I expected to per week, and I've been tempted to eat, but it's never actually crossed my mind to quit.

And that's something.

Historically I haven't been brilliant about prioritising my own wellbeing, but it did get to the point, when my ankles were hurting every time I took a couple of steps, and I was gazing wistfully at young women, as I've mentioned, that I thought I deserve to feel better than this.

I deserve. To feel better. Than this.

Week 5 Day 30

2009-10-06T19:35:00.001+01:00

So tonight I had a quick coffee with that friend I've not seen in a while; I was a bit worried about what to say if she mentioned the weight loss.

Only a handful of people know I'm doing LL (including you good people) because I just don't want to get into a conversation about it. I don't think I want people to know that I'm even uncomfortable with my weight, never mind that I've committed to a drastic weight loss programme to deal with it.

A lot of this is undoubtedly low self-esteem and a desire to be seen as perfect, etc., etc., at work, but some of it is just the plain fact that it's no one else's business. And, with lots of people telling me how different I look even after losing only 11lbs, I didn't know that well how I'd react to someone I didn't know commenting on it (the friend in question is more of a friendly acquaintance than a true true friend - not because she's horrible, but because we haven't had enough of those trials and tribulations that form and solidify friendships).

And we all know that, especially if you're a woman, the conversation doesn't end at a simple declaration of "I'm on a diet." It's all "ooh, which one?" and "how are you finding it?" and the ubiquitous "but you don't even need to diet" (that's been said to me and I'm not at all sure how it was meant, but I wanted to punch the person that said it. When you're three stone or more overweight, you do need to diet. So shut up. I'm sure this is an extreme reaction to something that was meant to be kind, but to me it just feels patronising.

Clearly I'm touchy about this subject.

So all through my work day I wondered what to say, and tried to come up with strategies. These ranged from complete denial ("What weight?") to the vague ("Oh I suppose I've been so busy lately that I've forgotten to eat here and there") and back to denial ("I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT").

But I needn't have worried.

She didn't notice.

I could have been stark naked and she wouldn't have noticed.

We hadn't scheduled much time to meet (literally a quick coffee); I was late, and she had a lot of her own stuff going on, which was the main topic of conversation. I know, I worked hard to keep it that way; every time there was a nanosecond's lull in the conversation and I'd notice her gaze drifting over my diminished chest and so forth, I just asked another question about her situation and off she'd launch, and then it was time to go.

So there you go. If you don't want to talk about it, be late and ensure that the other person has a lot to fill you in on. Easy peasy.

So what three things have I done well today?

1. I attended another meeting, this one was about something I did which apparently pissed some other people off initially (but it was the right thing to do). Essentially some people weren't happy with some action I'd taken. Normally I'd approach these in a dragging-my-heels, oh-crap-I'm-going-to-get-a-bollocking sort of way (even if, as in this instance, I was in the right). But for some reason I decided no, I was in the right, so I didn't attend the meeting as subserviantly as I might have done before. I was assertive and relaxed and made my points, and it was all very amicable and adult and reasonable. I moved it along to some positive actions for the future (rather than harping on about the thing I did), and wasn't afraid to argue my points when the others attempted to push me in another direction. Essentially I was assertive. Not because I'm skinnier than I was so it's time to be assertive. It just felt right. But I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to follow it through before I started LL. Hm. Is confidence a side effect of LL?

2. I didn't cancel on my friend. There's a large part of me that wanted to, that wants to hide away from every social interaction until I've lost all the weight, but that would raise even MORE questions and I refuse to just become a hermit, so I saw my friend and it wasn't that bad at all.

3. I owned up to some of my talents, and pimped myself a bit at work today. Without putting myself down or anything. I accepted that I'm good at some stuff and I actually told some people about it.

All of which is rather healthy and positive and KNACKERING, so I'm off to the sofa for a well-earned evening in front of the TV.

Week 5 Day 29

2009-10-05T20:15:00.000+01:00

Today was a very blah sort of day: Monday, raining, lots of work to do.

But I'm going to take my LLC's advice and list 3 things I did well today (apologies if that's very boring for you).

I chaired an important meeting first thing this morning (before breakfast and - more impressively - before coffee) and got everyone to a consensus.
I made my porridge and had my bar at work, even though I felt self-conscious as I was sitting at a really crowded bank of desks (we hot-desk at my office) and everyone around me was clearly fascinated by what I was eating.
Even though I was frazzled at the end of the day I remembered to get some cash out for my poor hobbled boyfriend, AND I got him a Double Decker too (I have to not eat chocolate; no one said anything about not buying any).

I did notice a funny brain thing though. This morning I had a physio appointment before work and was late leaving the house. I just made the train I needed to get.... and then the train was delayed, making me slightly late for my appointment.

And you know what I thought?

I thought, "There, you see? That wouldn't have happened if you'd been more organised and left the house on time."

What an odd thing to think. I mean, the train wasn't delayed because I was late. It's not like I clung onto the side of a carriage as it was leaving the platform, waving my knickers at the driver to get his attention.

The train being late had nothing to do with my being late for the train. But it was delayed and I sort of stood, shoulders hunched and a bit guilty and miserable, throughout the long (looooong, frequently stopping for no discernible reason) journey, until I realised that was ridiculous.

I wonder how many other things I blame myself for. When I comfort eat, it's sort of a reaction to a long chain of mixed miseries that have been building up over a number of days (or hours) - things I feel guilty about, things I feel hard done by, things that frighten me, things I just can't think about because they're too big, and the ever-present knowledge that I'm just not being the best that I can be.

Hm.

Anyway. As I have mentioned, 1.4lbs doesn't seem like a lot. But I had a play around with one of those online weight loss simulator thingies, and this is a (shiny, Hollywood) version of me before I started LL:

And this is me now:

Neither of them look "fat" enough to be honest, but I'll keep recording them every 4 weeks or so so you can see the difference.

Off for my second instant-coffee-with-half-a-hot-banana-shake-and-half-a-hot-chocolate shake of the evening. Again, I feel a bit guilty and naughty for having a nice hot drink that I like rather than a horrid soup I can barely gag down.

Why are our brains so stupid?

Tomorrow will be a challenge: I'll be seeing a friend I haven't seen in a while; someone who doesn't know I'm on a diet, and someone I don't really want to tell about LL. It's too personal (she writes, on her public INTERNET WEBLOG). I'm not very good at keeping things under wraps. When I try to keep a secret I always seem to talk about it in a way that suggests "ASK ME ASK ME ASK ME". I'm not sure why. I guess I figure my wanting to keep a lid on things isn't as important as their wanting to know.

Maybe it's a self-sabotage thing, too. Or a test. I just don't want to tell people about LL. It takes a very strong person to smile enigmatically and just say "I'm eating healthily" (and an even stronger one to deal with all those "but didn't that woman die on this diet? this is insanity! Stop it immediately!" type comments.

Maybe the point is NOT to smile enigmatically, and just to move the conversation along. Or just not mention it. I'm allowed to have secrets, but I don't have to tell anyone else it's a secret. Or even that I have one. It's about bloody time I did something for myself and didn't "give up my goods" for the sake of other people's gossip.

Ooh I'm angry now. Angry with my friend! And I haven't even talked to her yet.

Well. We'll see how I do. I'll report back.

Week 4 Day 28: 4th LL meeting

2009-10-04T22:29:00.000+01:00

Today was my 4th LL meeting - it would have been my fifth, but I was away last weekend.

Everyone in my group is looking slimmer. I was quite optimistic about my weight loss - half of my clothes are falling off me and Boyfriend has been pinching various bits of me this week and commenting on my svelteness - I can see the difference - my boobs have disappeared and one of my chins has emerged victorious from the pile! Actually I have the face of a skinny person now.

But according to the LL scales I've only lost 1.4lbs.

BUT I suspect I've not been drinking enough water, my TOTM is with me, and I had that adventure in more-bars-per-day-than-strictly-allowed last weekend. And I'm small so my losses will be small, too.

Still. Bit disappointed.

Group was good though. We explored "crooked thinking" a bit more - and how you can't control what happens, but you can control how you react to it. The trick is to catch yourself when you think an automatic thought like "oh I'm rubbish" and examine the evidence for it. I found it really useful and I think just opening my eyes to it now will help me become more aware of it.

I am very prone to this sort of thinking. So my LLC has set me a task: every day, at the end of the day, I have to write down 3 things I've done well during the day. After a while I suppose you build up enough evidence to convince you that you're not rubbish after all.

I also talked to my LLC about RTM, after asking innocuously in group about when everyone was planning to start RTM (they're all two weeks ahead of me). And I got some very vague shifty-eyed responses which, I think, mean "I'm not doing RTM but I'm not bloody telling you that."

Anyway, I talked to my LLC and explained that I really didn't see myself doing the full 12 weeks, not least because I'm going on holiday in February and am buggered if I'll diet while I'm away. She said this was totally fine.

My group finish Foundation at the end of November: if I've lost the remaining 2.5+ stone by then I can either go onto LLL to lose the rest, or go straight onto RTM and do a condensed version with the goal of reaching my goal weight by the end of December. Which means I may be able to have some Christmas food.

She also said that if I complete RTM I can pop back after my holiday to pick up a few packs if I've put on some weight, and that once I'm finished I can always come back for sessions. I didn't realise Management was actually a thing, but it's a whole programme. And it's free for all ex-LLers!

I'm really relieved as I was worried that I'd be pushed into the full 12 weeks of RTM, or tossed out into the cold. I didn't realise it was flexible enough to fit around my plans (and I was worried that my "plans" were actually self-sabotage. That said, I really don't want to do the 12 weeks - I don't, my various adult selves and child selves don't either).

So I got some new packs - no soups, but lots of bars, hot shakes and porridges. I tried the lemon bar during the meeting - palatable but now my stomach is extremely windy and quite uncomfortable. Hope this doesn't go on for too much longer as I have a very early start tomorrow. Also feeling a bit coldy and rubbish so will close and head off to bed. Or the loo. Whichever comes first.

So in essence, hurrah! But bleh.

Things I'm going to miss about being overweight

2009-10-03T23:26:00.000+01:00

Boobs. I never really had 'em before I put on weight and they're slowly deflating. Ah well, looking like a 12 year old boy (and not a Curvy Lady) is a small price to pay for your health and happiness.
My capacity for alcohol. Again, never really had it before I gained weight! I think it's all that room in your stretched belly that has allowed me to neck bottle after bottle of Corona on nights out. Ah well, can always switch to shorts.
Those long acres of time where you don't depilate or wax because you're not planning to show your legs to anyone.
People thinking I'm nice and jolly. I don't know why people think fat folk are all sunbeams and cake recipes. Santa Claus complex, I call it. However, I feel quite awkward and prickly on the inside so it sort of smooths relations when people assume I'm all cuddly and don't see me as a threat. A new challenge in the great adventure of being a friend to myself. Oh god I sound like the green LL book!
Um...
Er...

Yep, that's pretty much it.

Things I won't miss.

Those intense waves of self-loathing that sweep over me every time I catch sight of my reflection.
Being so bloody hungry all the time.
Not wearing the clothes I like - just the ones that hide me.
Going swimming or joining a yoga class without being worried that everyone will think "oh look, fattie's trying to get fit" when I walk in.
Heavy, cover-up clothes in summer.
The almost incapacitating summer sweats. You know the ones I mean.
Not worrying that people think I'm useless and have no self-control when they meet me.
Avoiding photographs.
Hurty ankles.
Long flights of stairs being The Enemy.
Avoiding going out to pretty-dress type events because I'm worried about looking like an auntie.
Bad asthma.
Bad back.
Joint pain.
Sugar crashes.
Feeling miserable every time I meet a slim girl with the same height and colouring.

Week 4 day 27

2009-10-03T18:56:00.001+01:00

So it turns out that all I felt like doing today (honestly, I checked) was curl up on the sofa in my slipper-boots, watch rubbish TV and mess around on the internet.

I often do this when I'm stressed - avoid phonecalls, keep myself to myself... comfort eat. What I realised today is - on a day like today, when I'm tired and have period pains - it's the perfect antidote. Obviously I didn't comfort eat though. The point is I'm not terribly good at relaxing: today there has been a little too much messing around on the internet over lounging in itself, but I'm learning.

However I don't think it's always healing, although it's always the behaviour I revert to. Today, yes. Tomorrow I will also take it easy but will get some stuff done too, not just admin/housework but, as I said yesterday, something I really want to do.

Apart from half a chocolate shake and half a banana shake, all I have left are soups. I really am not feeling the soups anymore - had to gag two down this afternoon. And yet I found myself working out my list of packs for tomorrow (LL meeting day), and included soups! Even though I hate them at the moment! So I've amended my order to include porridge, chocolate and banana shakes, and one of my favourite bars every day - and I found I still felt guilty!

Why should I feel guilty for having the things I like? It just feels selfish and greedy. And yet if someone else had the same problem I'd advise them to get their favourite packs without thinking. This diet is hard enough without having to choke down things that make you want to vomit.

I'm sure this is part of the behaviour that leads me to overeat - I spend 99% of my time thinking I need to give myself a hard time over everything, and at some point I crack and aggressively give myself treats! 99% punishment, 1% treats.

Now - and this is quite exciting - I'm going to turn off the computer and change position (by a full 45 degrees!) to spend the rest of the evening reclining, reading, and perhaps a little dozing. Again, even this is making me feel guilty.

Silly brain.

Week 4 Day 26

2009-10-02T21:33:00.002+01:00

Today I started my period and my emotions have been running up and down the negative end of the spectrum all day.

I had my blood pressure checked this morning - you have to get checked every 28 days on LL. I got mine done at the pharmacy - they take 3 readings and count the average. My pharmacist scared the crap out of me by saying my pulse rate had "varied wildly" between very fast and very slow, and that it could indicate a "problem" with my heart, and that some medication that I've been taking for 5 years could damage my heart.

Basically she almost convinced me that I was about to drop dead due to a heart arrythmia.

And of course I got scared because

1) I tend towards hypochondria
2) That lady who died after losing 3 stone on LL had a heart murmur.

So I called the doctor and made an appointment for next week.

Which is when I realised I'd had a really strong espresso that morning before leaving the house - my banana mochaccino.

Which may go some way to explaining it.

It was really strong, too, I think I'm still feeling palpitatey from it.

I'm keeping the appointment; it's probably best to get this stuff checked, but I feel like I'm moving somewhere positive in my head now, and I really don't want to go back to becoming slightly obsessed with health worries like I was a few weeks ago.

Plus, I've had my pulse checked at the doctor's numerous times before and nothing's been abnormal.

Anyway. I also noticed another thing: I've been feeling a bit wan and tired the last few days, and I've been getting hungry quicklier than normal. For a while I've been "cooking" my evening packs - you're allowed to "cook" one pack a day, and there are loads of recipes floating around on the Minimins forums. So far I've made

A poppadom
Veggie burgers
Crisps

Of course they don't taste anything really like poppadoms, veggie burgers or crisps. I've made each a few times. The problem with cooking the packs is that you lose some of the nutritional value. Could that be why I'm feeling a bit rubbish? I do feel so exceedingly well when I don't cook them.

I am so sick of soup though.

I think I might cut down on the old soup packs at Sunday's meeting. I'll get some porridge to have at work instead. I won't cook anything for a week and see if that has a difference. It is so great when you feel full of energy.

I was sort of dreading this weekend, because it was going to be incredibly busy and I'm so tired and emotionally rubbish. But my diary for tomorrow has cleared (Sunday is LL meeting day) and it's like the sun has come out! I am tired, and some lolling on the sofa (lolling on the sofa, this is, not wanting to but doing 20 other things as well) will feature. I want to watch a DVD.

I also don't want to feel crappy and as though I haven't achieved anything by the end of the day. So I'm going to do some stuff for *me*. Not for others - not tell myself I'm having a "spa day" for "me time" when in reality I'm just softening my skin, shinyfiing my hair so that I'm "acceptable to others". Indulge a couple of my hobbies, that sort of thing.

Basically, I'm going to ask myself what I feel like doing. And then I'm going to do it. Which is actually harder than it sounds.

Week 4 Day 25

2009-10-01T22:31:00.002+01:00

Just wanted to quickly report a little victory.

I was home alone tonight - boyfriend went to the pub. I hadn't been home long when my doorbell rang. It was my downstairs neighbour - he'd locked himself out, and his girlfriend was out for the evening. So I (obviously) invited him in for a cuppa while he waited for her to return.

I don't know him very well so I was worried it might be awkward, but we ended up comfortably chatting and watching a DVD. He admitted he was planning to order a pizza, so I suggested that he get one sent here.

It was the biggest, fattest, juiciest pizza you've ever seen.

He asked me to share it, but I explained that I was on a diet. And of course he invited me again - it was huge - saying "I don't mean to tempt you, but you're welcome to share it - I won't tell anyone."

"No, it's okay," I replied. "I've been doing this for a month now so I'm living vicariously through other people's eating."

And it's only when I said that that I realised I wasn't tempted. I mean it smelled delicious and truthfully I was tempted for a millisecond - for a millisecond my brain reminded me that I'd had a super-busy stressful work day, and that I had a really busy weekend coming up, and that my boyfriend was out and that no one would know.

Before I did LL, I would use all of these reasons to (consciously) talk myself into Secret Pizza Night.

But by the time I had that thought I was already mixing up my chicken soup pack, and although it was an attractive thought, it was only that - a thought.

I remember a few months before starting LL I was ordering my pizza for Secret Pizza Night and I realised, as I was walking to pick up the phone, that I was dreading it. I really didn't want to do Secret Pizza Night - I never enjoyed it, I felt lousy (physically and about myself) the next day. I knew it was self-destructive.

But I couldn't stop it.

And tonight I had every opportunity to do it again. And I didn't.

See? Little victory.

Week 4 Day 24

2009-09-30T21:52:00.004+01:00

Just got in from seeing Dorian Gray. It is rather good, and Dorian Gray himself is a bit of a hottie (not the painting so much, obviously), and he was up to all sorts of sauciness in the film, which was very nice to watch. Which now obviously means I must dig out my Prince Caspian DVD and drool inappropriately through it.

Anyway. I think I've indulged in a little self-sabotage today. It was this morning before I left for work, when I was stumbling around blearily and decided to have my porridge before I left, because then I could blend it (and, damnit, if I couldn't have cinnamon I could at least eliminate the lumps).

This presented two problems:

1. I generally don't have breakfast. My stomach doesn't really wake up until lunchtime (when of course it is a ferocious beast and requires much sandwich-based appeasement), and forcing food down in the early hours is a bit like swallowing sick.

2. My brain doesn't generally wake up until about 11am. Before that time I'm only good for making coffee, leaving the house without my keys, lighting the wrong end of cigarettes and missing my train.

Which was an ideal time for my self-saboteur to strike.

"I'll just have a little cinnamon," I thought. "To give it a bit of flavour. Just a little. It won't do any harm."

So I did have a little cinnamon, and I have been hungry all day. Not very hungry, just a little hungry, appropriate to the amount of cinnamon I had. I had already decided that I prefer feeling unhungry and energetic to cinnamon. I don't think my subconscious got the memo though.

I also didn't drink enough water. I need to drink 4 of my 75cl bottles to have my daily 3.5litre fix, but I kept forgetting to drink, or forgetting to fill the bottle. I've heard lots of people say that the more water you drink (in moderation, and slowly, obviously), the more weight you lose. Because drinking water makes you pee out the fat-burning enzymes, the ketones. And when you expel ketones, your body makes more. So you burn more fat per day.

I'm pretty sure my self-saboteur is using this knowledge against me.

When I use the water flavourings I glug it away like anyone's business, so life would be much easier if I carried it around all day. For some reason I've decided I need to do it the hard way though.

Clearly this is a self-esteem thing. I sometimes think with these sort of things that the trick to changing behaviour is to pick apart the why. But that approach alone doesn't seem to be working, so I'm just going to pretend that I think I'm eligible for an easy life and see if that turns the tide.

The hardest thing about this diet, for me, is that I know it's not just about food. I doubt anyone's problem is just with food.

Eating too much and staying bigger than I should be is all part of a cycle of avoidance, so if I'm to succeed I need to address how I live my whole life, not just what I stick in my mouth. One part of me feels totally ready to do this; I think I've been ready and raring to go for a long time. I want to be better.

It's just that what my heart thinks is a priority my head, sometimes, ties rocks to and sinks to the bottom of my various neuroses.

You know, it's funny. Watching Dorian Gray sort of opened my mind's eye to myself. In the film they show very well how, upon realising the sort of life he could have, he gives himself over to pleasure and excess.

Whereas I'm the opposite.

I'm sort of pretty. I'm pretty elderly (in my early 30s) but luckily I still look about 23. I have a good a good relationship, loads of great friends, a good job, lots of respect, a nice house, loads of interests and hobbies, and I live in one of the most vibrant cities on the planet. But I never exploit any of it. I even sort of know - after years of searching and wondering - what I want to do with my life, but I'm too paralysed with fear to do much about it.

And being overweight helps all of this continue.

I can't get my head around the fact that I'm going to be slim relatively soon. I'm carrying around too much being-overweight baggage. And I'm so worried all the time. I plan to give up smoking once I've lost weight, so really I only have another 3 months of smoking. I keep worrying that I have cancer (even though I have no symptoms). Maybe I should just be enjoying these last few cigarettes instead.

I think I'm just used to things turning really, really bad just as I've relaxed into something and started to enjoy myself. I don't know if that's happened every time in the past, but I feel as though it has. So... I seem to have decided at some point just to worry about things and never really enjoy them.

Which isn't really living, is it? I have so many things going in my favour and I just worry, worry, worry.

Somewhere in my attic there's probably a painting of a slim, content, adventurous me.

Of course this doesn't meant I'm going to dump my poor boyfriend and begin a hedonistic existence of pouring champagne over half-undressed debutantes (not really my bag). In fact I'm not sure what to do with that thought, but it's an honest thought and I'm glad I had it.

Today was my first day at work after a week off and I got lots of "gosh, you've lost so much weight!" comments. Also, one member of my team - totally innocuously - congratulated me for having stuck to it, saying "We all thought you'd give up after a few days!" "You all thought that?" I replied. "Yeah, we all said," she confirmed.

Nor am I sure what to do with that comment.

Anyway, this is what was going through my mind as I watched Dorian Gray, chewing happily on my peanut bar.

Week 4 Day 23

2009-09-29T22:34:00.001+01:00

Well, here I am in week 4 and it's time to change up a gear.

Since I started LL I've kept my head down, gritted my teeth and got on with it. Eschewing all social content, the only places I've been for three weeks are work, home and LL HQ. I've been poring over all the LL literature and online info, constantly monitoring myself to make sure I'm not making any mistakes, and that I'm on the right track.

All of which I needed to do at the time, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it. But I can't stick my head in the sand (which I'm tempted to do; I have a bit of a thing for avoidance) for the whole 14 weeks. In fact, if I do, I'll probably find it very hard to survive back in "the real world".

I need to start thinking about my wider life, and LL as part of it.

Today I did 3 things:

1. Bought a "magic frother mug" (Google it if you'd like one) - a cheap, motorised, battery-powered mug for handy soup-mixing on the move.

2. Realised the link between cinnamon and feeling hungry - a few days ago I read somewhere that cinnamon was allowed on LL, so I added some to my porridge and it was DELICIOUS. Thing is, for the last few days I've been feeling hungry. Today I read that it's not allowed - technically - but it's up to you as it can make you hungry. As delicious as my cinnamony breakfasts are, I'd rather not feel hungry. Hopefully it won't have affected my weight loss.

3. Decided to spelunk into the attic today to unearth my smaller-size clothes (today was my last day of leave). Halfway through I realised it was futile as I've only lost 9.7lbs so far (although I weighed myself at home last week and appear to have lost a stone). I'm currently somewhere between sizes (remember those black skinny felty jeans? Fit me perfectly! I wore them all weekend!) so it's probably best to try looking when I've a) lost a bit more weight and b) a bit more time.

I bought the mug because during thise weekend's ghost hunting adventures made sticking to the diet a bit tricky. I didn't lapse, but I did have 2.5 bars in one day (you're only allowed one a day) because I was relying on hotels and public transport and the soup-making opportunities were a bit low on the ground. But it would have been better if I'd got my head out of the sand and been a bit more prepared.

On Friday I went to meet my best friend from work. She didn't have a heart attack but she did say "You look fucking amazing! You look like you've lost a stone" which was gratifying. It was really great to see her. I haven't seen anyone in ages, and not seen her since I started LL.

The event was out in the sticks and the plan was to get the train, check into the Travelodge we'd booked for the night so I'd have time to have my third soup, then go to the event. I planned to have one bar as my fourth pack during the event and, if I needed another, I could have another bar at midnight and count it as the next day's. But the train was horribly delayed so I had a bar on the train, then we had to rush to check in and get to the event.

I was already one bar down so I thought I might be able to have a soup at midnight - we had breaks in a cafeteria every hour or so, but I felt really embarrassed and didn't want to make my soups in front of everyone, so I had another bar (for a full account of the ghost hunting go to my Minimins post about it).

We got back to the Travelodge and crashed out about 5am, then woke up literally minutes before we had to check out at noon. I was overly optimistic about being able to mix up a shake in the tiny hotel room cups (it looked like diarrhoea and I only managed half). Then we headed back to the venue (it had historical merit) to have a look at it in the daytime. While we were there I had ANOTHER BAR (yes, 3 bars in two days - hence the need to prepare better!) and on the way back to the station we saw - TUDDAH - Primark! I bought some "inbetween sizes" tops and a really nice coat (I've been looking for a coat like this for ages - who knew I'd find it in Primark for under £20?) I bought in a size 10 and have hung it by my dressing table for motivation.

So I survived. I did the best I could given the circumstances, but I need to be better prepared, not least because my friend and I are going on another couple of ghost hunting events soon.

Tomorrow is my first day back at work after my week's leave. Sadly, looking back, I haven't rested as much as I wanted to. Part of this wider-perspective thing is looking at the way I live my life; about listening to my body and seeing what it needs - both with food and in life. I have improved a bit overthe last week, so hopefully I'll be able to get better and better. I need to be brave enough to get off the Minimins forum and start living life again!

Well, returning to work should take my mind off it a bit. Also tomorrow I'm meeting my bezzie mate again to to go the cinema (I shall be taking my last peanut bar with me for dinner). On Saturday I'm going to see my mum for the day. And I've made plans with another friend in a couple of weeks. Before Sunday I need to get my blood pressure checked, too. I *think* I can do this at my doctor's surgery myself so I'll try that on Friday. If not, I can't get my packs!

Anyway. Enough tonight. Bedtime.

Thoughts about RTM (Route to Management)

2009-09-29T13:54:00.002+01:00

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do when I complete Foundation (the initial 14 week period of total food abstinence), and whether I’m going to do Route to Management (RTM - the further 12 week period of gradual food reintroduction you undertake when you’re near your goal weight).

When I started this, I had no intention of doing RTM. 12 more weeks, are you kidding me? I thought ‘I’m not a true fattie, I don’t need that much support’. Plus, my friend who did LL had similar food issues to me, and lost a similar amount of weight - she didn’t do RTM and she’s fine.

But I’ve been getting a lot of support on the Minimins forums - much of it from people who have completed LL (RTM inclusive) and are maintaining their weight. And they swear by RTM - for them it was the biggest challenge of the entire diet - and they get a bit irked if you say you’re thinking of not doing it: they remind you of the importance of RTM and that lots of people who didn’t do RTM have piled the weight back on.

Which basically led to me deciding to do RTM purely not to piss off the people on the Minimins forum.

Which, now I think of it, isn’t an honest decision at all. So I’ve been sifting carefully through my thoughts, picking out the ones that are driven by self-sabotage and the need to please, and isolating the thoughts that are purely about what’s best for me (these ones are the hardest to find).

And my decision is:

When I’ve lost 2.5 stones, I’m going to switch to Lighter Life Lite (LLL).

If you have 3 stones or less to lose, you can do LLL. I was offered it when I started, but I chose full abstinence. On LLL you have 3 packs a day and, instead of the fourth pack, you have a proteiny, low-carbohydrate meal.

My reasons for this are twofold:

1. I really want the challenge of preparing my own meal each day
Although it’s my choice to stay abstinent and it’s up to me not to lapse, being on full abstinence feels a bit… external. It’s like drinking a magic potion someone else gave me and seeing the weight fall off. Doing LLL would be like drinking a magic potion someone else gave me 3 times a day, and then once a day making the potion myself, and still seeing the weight drop off. It would give me a greater sense of control, responsibility and self-reliance, and improve my confidence around food.

2. The LLL RTM is just 4 weeks, not 12
I’ve thought very carefully about this and it’s not self-sabotage speaking: this is all me. The more I learn about myself and why I overeat, the less I feel I need the full 12 weeks.

I want to return to the way I used to eat before I put on weight - I have wanted to for a long time, before I even head of LL, before I even thought about losing weight - just purely because I was tiring of the food I was eating, and wanted to feel like "me" again.

I want to do this properly, and I totally understand the importance of RTM, both in terms of your metabolism and successful weight maintenance, but I really don’t think I need 12 weeks.

Also, I’m going to Las Vegas in February, and I don’t want to be dieting! The entire point of the place is decadence - decadence in moderation, but decadence definitely!

And I feel guilty about this decision, even though I could have done LLL from the start. And even though I think there is a world of difference in the support that someone who’s been obese (or worse) for years and years might need, versus the support that someone (like me) who’s piled on 3 stone (above ideal weight, this is, only 2 stone above healthy BMI) over the last few years through unhappiness, would need.

At the end of the day I really feel this is the best decision for me. Which is an odd idea to get my head around.

Week 3 Day 18

2009-09-24T23:49:00.000+01:00

Week 3! Day 18! I honestly never thought I'd make it so far. I thought my resolve would fail (it has a way of doing that) or my health would (that has a way of doing it too) and I'd be massively allergic to something in the food packs, but here I am.

My LL meetings are on Sundays, but I'm away this weekend so I had a pop-in tonight to get weighed and pick up my foodpacks for the week.

I've lost 2.5lbs since last Sunday!

So far my losses have been relatively low but I've figured it's mostly because I'm short. But we'll see - 2.5lbs in 4 days is promising. My next weigh-in is Sunday-after-next so hopefully I'll see a big loss then.

But I'm almost 10lbs down now, and it really shows. Every day I look a little thinner and things fit a little better. My boobs, they were the first to go. That was the only part of being overweight that I enjoyed: the boobage. I've been near-flat chested all my life. Farewell funbags, it was swell. Good riddance to underwire though.

I have been in a dark place for the last few days - wanting to scurry away home as soon as the working day was over and coddle myself in slipper-boots. I've turned down (and actually ignored) social invitations left, right and centre, To the point where I fully expect not to be invited to things again. Part of this is, I'm sure, early-diet-lockin. It's hard to contemplate going back into circulation brandishing my sachets and my (presumably) ketosis-induced halitosis, and swapping cocktails for sparkling water.

It's harder still to admit I'm on a diet. To admit that I'm not happy with something. That I'm not happy with myself. I spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think and this kind of thing presents a chink in the perfect mask I try to present to the world all the time, and I'm not comfortable with that.

That said, if someone told me they were doing this diet and no thank you, take those cocktails and crabcakes away, I'd be awash with admiration. So basically I need to buck up.

The little sabotages - the not drinking enough water, the irregularity of packs - I'm trying to iron them out. And think about what I'm doing ("WHY do you need the peanut bar tonight?") etc. And maybe I can work up the courage to reenter the world imperfect and proud.

This weekend will be a little test of this. I am spending the weekend with my best friend: going to meet her after work tomorrow (which will be weird as I worked at the same place for years, only quitting 6 months ago). Then we'll go back to her place and I'll amuse and delight by spraying her kitchen with powdered soup mix while trying to demonstrate my blending skills.

On Saturday we're getting the train to Oxford, where we will be partaking in A GHOST HUNT. No, don't look at me like that. I'm not nuts. It's an organised event - basically like an extended ghost tour but with seances. And people who reckon they're psychic. Although you do get to mooch around on your own with torches, and it is fun to creep around a spooky place in the dark.

The thing runs from 7pm till something like 4am. I'm wondering how I'm going to manage, hunger-wise, as I generally have my last pack at about 8. I'll just load up on bars and soups (there's hot water and mugs on tap) and hope for the best I think. After that we're crashing in a local Travelodge then moseying back to London on Sunday.

I haven't seen my best friend for three weeks, and I really want her to see all the weight I've already lost and almost have a heart attack. It'll give me some validation. We have long been avid co-enablers of our own bad eating habits: post-pub trips to MacDonalds; lunchtime visits to the Japanese Canteen for their yummy curries "because we've had a bad day"; "sneaky" Chinese meals at each others' houses, and many, many chocolate peanuts. But she's diligently working her way through WeightWatchers and I'm doing this, and I am half-afraid that we'll have nothing to talk about, or that we'll just pack it all in and go down the chippy.

Which is plainly tosh.

Today I have had an explosively upset stomach. I think it was down to the two(!) banana mochas I had this morning. My stomach just might be rebelling against two espressos. Or it could have been the peanut bar I had last night (but I seem to have got used to them). Who knows. It was quite painful though, and I wasn't even sure I'd make it to the pop-in. I shall load up on pills and whatnot because diarrhoea while ghost hunting in a mediaeval castle is probably not quite spiritual etiquette.

I have a few days off this week and next week. I've not really been indulging them; I've been up early and mooching around achieving little. And I think it's all down to this antsy, "dark place" feeling I've had lately. Tomorrow I plan to have a Big Shower. This is where I depilate, exfoliate, deep-condition every inch of me, then smear myself in smelly body lotion and blob paint messily onto my toenails.

Which is interesting. Because I'm only doing it because I'll be "in company". When it's just me I just make sure I'm clean and sod off. But really *I* deserve to feel soft-skinned, glossy-haired, dewy-lipped and well-maintained every day. Just for me. Not doing it all in a job-lot because someone is likely to see me in pajamas.

Note to self!

There's also something very calming about applying body lotion every night, and perfume in the morning. I shall get on that: apparently my subconscious was ahead of me as I appear to have bought body lotion and a body-brushing, er, brush earlier this week.

I ALSO bought, to celebrate my half-stone loss (even though it doesn't FEEL like something to celebrate) the necklace I promised myself, plus some nice smellies from Lush. It's time to start paying myself some attention.

Talking of which, beauty sleep beckons.

A post to say I'll post...

2009-09-24T18:00:00.000+01:00

A curious thing.

After that last post - and its lightbulb moment - I seem to have withdrawn. From life, from the Minimims boards, this diary and from being in touch with most of my friends.

This feels like a very familiar yet slightly illogical thing to do, and I think it's part of the self-punishment pattern.

Hmm.

Off to an early weigh-in tonight so had better scarper. But I'll be back.

Week 2 Day 14: 3rd LL meeting

2009-09-20T19:43:00.000+01:00

After last week's LL meeting I came away with a great sense of insight and hope: I hadn't lost much but was confident this would mean a bigger loss the following week, and I learned so much about who we are and what motivates us to eat.

Today was different - our regular LLC was back and most of the group was present. I was weighed and it turns out I've lost 3.2lbs.

I was really surprised and a little disappointed - I can see the loss so clearly on myself: I'm lady-shaped, not blob-shaped now, and boobs are smaller, clothes fit better, my neck is slimmer etc. etc. I was actually half-surprised that everyone didn't go "OMG YOU LOOK SO THIN" as soon as I walked in, but most of them have only seen me once before.

But also, thinking about it:

I may have gone out of ketosis for a day this week (sucrose in tablets)
I had just had a shake before going to the LL meeting
I didn't drink nearly enough water (apparently this really affects your loss) for 2 days

And I have now lost half a stone. Which was one of my goals. I get to buy myself a necklace now. Whoopee.

Yeah, I'm just not feeling it. In fact I'm having some tetchy thoughts of the "I would probably lose the same amount on WeightWatchers if I did it" variety (not that I would stick to WeightWatchers of course). It's just that this week seemed so long. Well, it seemed short at the time, but I am thinking of Lighter Life, Lighter Life, bloody Lighter Life all the time. And after all that eating, and all those "ooh look how skinny I am" moments first thing in the morning, I've only lost 3.2 fucking pounds?!

There is also the fact that I am quite short, and shorter people tend to have a slower loss.

But still.

I feel angry and tricked.

Also...

At group today we talked about the different types of psychological hunger, and about behaviour around food. In particular, secret eating. Now I have been blithely going around thinking "Oh, it's just that I overeat at mealtimes, I don't snack all that much and I certainly don't binge", which is only half true.

The truth is that when I was skinny, I would happily say "fuck the world" and treat myself to a DVD, some ice cream and a big fuck-off pizza that I couldn't hope to finish - once a month - and all would be right with the world.

Lately...

One night a week the Boyfriend goes out to indulge his hobby. And on that night, as soon as I get home (no matter what thoughts I've been having about trying a new pasta dish, or just having a hot sandwich or something for dinner) I order a pizza. I then inhale the pizza (all the pizza, because I have a big hoover bag for a stomach now), stuff it in the outside trash so he doesn't see it, and hate myself.

When the Boyfriend gets home and inquires about my dinner, I say "Oh I wasn't hungry". Or I say I had toast. The next day I have stomach problems, bloating, pain, and increased hunger so I never have "that salad to make up for it" that I was planning.

I don't even really like the pizza.

It started as a treat, then got corrupted into a way to punish myself with food.

It was so hard to admit, even to myself. It's secret eating and binge eating. It's food addiction. I'm addicted to food. It sounded like such bullshit in the LL literature but, damn it, it's actually true.

Then a strange thing happened when I got home from group. I arrived home feeling all churned up and unhappy, and realised I was hungry. I was a bit confused as to whether this was psychological hunger, disguised thirst, or actual hunger (I was due my third pack). And it's hard to be objective when you're feeling weak and unhappy and hungry and the food is right there.

This is the conversation that went on in my brain:

Me 1: "I really want a peanut bar. Right now."
Me 2: "Noooo! I'm off work after Tuesday and I bought them specially to have for honey roasted peanuts in the evening as a treat!"
Me 1: "But I want one now. I really really want one."
Me 2: "But they give me a windy belly! And they make me hungrier. Why not just have a shake and have the peanut bar on Tuesday evening? I have an early morning physio tomorrow and I don't want to go there with a windy belly, and then spend the morning at work on the loo!"
Me 1: "You mean having a peanut bar now would decimate my 'treat' supply and cause me pain and discomfort exactly when I don't need it?"
Me 2: "Yes! It would literally be self-destructive of me to have a peanut bar right now."
Me 1: "Right then, I'm having one."

So I had one. I had it because I was feeling shitty and because I was feeling shitty about myself, and because having the peanut bar would make me feel even shittier.

And now of course the temptation is to continue to sabotage myself by doing something else to make me feel shitty. I could start an argument with Boyfriend just so I'd feel crap about having done it later. I could think about all the weight I haven't lost, and about the woman in my group who lost a stone in 2 weeks. I could look up my exes on Facebook.

But I won't. I'm going to have an enjoyable evening on the sofa. I'm tired of creating bad feeling in reaction to bad feeling, then sublimating it all into a cycle of failure, punishment and excess.

No more. I'm actually an okay person. I don't deserve to beat myself up all the time. I'm fine.

Lightbulb moment: guilt

2009-09-20T19:16:00.000+01:00

LL calls little behavioural epiphanies "lightbulb moments". I've been having a few since I started so thought I'd record them.

Earlier I noted that I felt guilty about whatever I put in my mouth; I've since noticed I feel guilty about everything I do. Or don't do. Yesterday I had a little play on my neglected piano. I don't indulge my hobbies like playing music because it never feels like play. I constantly monitor myself for mistakes, and chide myself when I make them. I haven't played properly in years and I want to learn new pieces and relearn old ones but I avoid it because I spend the time telling myself off for my technique, for not taking the time to practice, for not learning the new things and constantly playing the old things.

It is as though my childhood piano teacher is standing over me, having a go at me each time my fingers wibble. He did that a lot. A lot. It was years before I actually realised I was good at playing the piano, and by then all enthusiasm for it had ebbed away because all I got when I tried was grief.

So while I was playing yesterday I deliberately turned off the telling-off voice, and found that I really enjoyed what I was playing, even though it "didn't count" because it was an old piece and I hadn't learned a new one.

I feel guilty about everything. Today I ordered a taxi to take me to my LL meeting and it was horribly late. I had some really unkind thoughts about the taxi woman on the phone (even before the taxi was late) and I felt guilty about that. I still feel guilty. I even had to "own up" to the Boyfriend.

I'm feeling guilty about writing such a long blog post, even though it's my fricking blog and, to be quite honest, this is mainly for me, not you.

As with most things, I think this goes back to my childhood. I was always being told I was up to no good (even when I wasn't). I was quite bright at some subjects and, if I had trouble with other subjects, the teachers used to accuse me of 'troublemaking'. And it seemed the better I did in one class, the more grief I got in another.

When I was a teenager I was, like most teenagers, a little shit. But I was also really unhappy, and being summoned to account for every minute of the day by the adults ("What are you doing over there?" "Why the long face?" "Make yourself useful and help me with X, Y and Z", "You're lazy", etc.) didn't help. I, again, as a lot of teenagers, thought of my household as 'Nazi Germany'.

The point is I've inherited this Critical Parent (hello LL psychology) voice and I'm always telling myself to pull up my socks, that I should do this, I should do that, I should push myself at this because you know what I'm like, I'll never get it done and I'm always making excuses.... Every day is an exercise in failure, and the Critical Voice saps the pleasure from almost everything... hence the guilt.

Week 2 Day 13: lightbulb moments, poppadoms and banana mochaccinos

2009-09-20T18:50:00.001+01:00

I'm actually posting this on Day 14. I didn't post yesterday because, by the time there was anything to say I was tetchy with myself for allowing Saturday to turn into a "Nothing Day", and I ended up lurching away from the computer and throwing myself on the sofa to wait out the long hours till bedtime in a vague, mostly subconscious sulk.

NB: By "Nothing Day" I do not mean the sort of day where you lie, glued to the sofa (Derren Brown notwithstanding) watching crap, eating crap, lightly dozing and blissfully ignoring the phone and the household chores. I consider this a wholly venerable activity - everyone needs downtime - and I'm 100% behind it. In theory. The truth is I allow myself one or two days of this a year, and generally only when I have a hangover.

A "Nothing Day", for me, is a day spent dithering. Not achieving and not resting. Neither fish nor fowl. I woke early, dithered about getting up (Boyfriend was still asleep), got up, mooched about disconsolately, then dithered about still feeling tired, so went back to bed, then mentally dithered, couldn't fall asleep and got up again.

Mostly, I worried. I worried about this new getting-up-early-on-a-Saturday malarkey. All my life I've woken early - still tired - and then felt crotchety and vaguely tired and "off" for the rest of the day. In the last few years I have Achieved the Weekend Lie-In. Sometimes till stupid o'clock (11am), and not always when I've been out until the early hours the night before. Boyfriend considers this lazy, but to me it's been a massive coup - actually getting the sleep I need, and bugger the rest of 'em. On Saturday I wondered if it might be weight gain related, and worried that the new, thinner me was going to be a early rising, knackered mimsy again.

Boyfriend had the right idea - he spent most of the day on the sofa with big mugs of tea, the paper and reruns of the US version of The Office. Meanwhile I danced around the house, trying and failing to Achieve Things - admin, various little projects, a little correspondence. Nada. Just kept being distracted by things and thinking about how nice it would be to join the Boyfriend on the sofa.

I did, for a bit, then got bored and felt guilty about not Achieving things and went back to dancing unhappily round the house until evening, when I felt I could legitimately give up the ghost and rejoined him on the sofa.

It occurs to me now that I should have just HAD A NAP. It's basic science: not enough sleep; can't sleep - so sleep later. But I see dithering/tiredness as a sort of personal flaw, so feel the need to beat myself over the head with my failure for a whole day. Pah.

And I've just realised what prompted my feelings of apathy/self loathing.

You know how some people always need something familiar around when they start a new thing? A picture of their family, favourite cardigan, lucky pants, etc.?

When I start a new thing I don't feel at home until I've identified the girl who's like me, but better, and felt bad about myself as a result.

I did it at my first LL meeting ("There you are," I thought when I met her. "We're about the same age, but you seem totally on top of things, and that makes me feel like a caveman in comparison. Nice to meet you").

I've done it at my job. I do it whenever I indulge an interest or try anything new. I look on this person, possibly befriend them, and think about everything they've done and how I come up lamentably short next to this person. To myself I call it making a new friend, or admiring someone, but really it's a ruler to measure myself against, always come up lacking, and feel really shit about, and ultimately hate myself.

Undoubtedly it's rooted in my past somewhere.

But I did it on Saturday morning. I did it on Saturday morning, and that's what spun my day out into a bunch of crap during which I subconsciously berated myself about whatever I happened to be doing (or not doing).

It's horrible. It's self-destructive. It's self-betrayal and so, so negative. But it's familiar. And so I do it again and again.

Hmm. Interesting.

Anyway, I did manage to do 2 things on Day 13:

BANANA MOCHACCINO
I sort of perfected my latte idea (to my tastes anyway)

1 espresso
1/2 banana pack
1/2 chocolate pack
2 sweeteners
500ml boiling water
Blend! Blend like there's no tomorrow! Then blend some more.

I also attempted...

CHICKEN SOUP POPPADOM
I know, it even sounds rank:

Mix a soup pack with 4 tablespoons hot water
Stir until you get a smooth paste
Add salt, pepper and tabasco
Spread it evenly on a dinner plate
Microwave for 1.5 - 2minutes
Open the microwave every 20 seconds to let it bubble and settle
When it's golden, remove it, let it cool, peel off and enjoy.

Only a half success I'm afraid - I added too much water so it went all soggy in the middle, so I did it for a further 3 minutes(!) until it was virtually burnt and dried to the plate. And, though Boyfriend mocked me, I did manage to lever it off using a knife when it was cool and it was QUITE PLEASANT.

I might try again tonight.

Week 2 Day 12

2009-09-18T21:24:00.001+01:00

Gosh, day 12 already. The first week seemed interminable but this one is vrooming past.

Today was fine - another thinky-work day, got lots done. Energy levels have remained high, and again I had to really force myself to have my first pack (porridge) at lunchtime. Rushed my second pack (mushroom soup) a couple of hours later because I was on my way to a meeting - I didn’t rinse out my mug properly beforehand so my soup was bubbly and tasted distinctly of washing up liquid. Bleurgh.

Today my colleagues went to Carluccio’s for lunch and I didn’t feel a pang of regret. Actually I felt bad for their wallets and their afternoon concentration. Although I listened carefully to what they had - I’ve never been to Carluccio’s and it sounded yummy; I’m mentally making a ‘food list’ of things I’ll want to eat when I’m off the diet. So far I have:

Albondigas (spicy Argentinian meatballs)
Something at Carluccio’s
Something at Chilango’s
Something at Masala Zone
Another big pink drink in a goldfish bowl I had with a friend recently which, again, I rushed as we were on our way to dinner.
Big Mac

Yes, a Big Mac. I’ve never liked them before but yesterday I was craving one. But then again apparently your tastes change when you’re on LL (I hope I still want my beloved lattes when I get off this thing) so we’ll see. It might be all apples and celery but I hope not. I come from a foodie family and I intend to continue enjoying food, just not over EVERYTHING ELSE, and in moderation.

I think I’m losing weight; I keep weighing myself in the mornings - I know it’s bad, and that a morning post-pee weight isn’t true, but the numbers keep going down and that’s good enough for me.

I don’t think my stomach bulges out as much, and I can see some definition in my upper abdomen, around my clavicle and in my arms. At least my arms look more like *arms* now, and not so much like sausages. I have to wear a belt on some roomy jeans which used to fit snugly, and some other skinny jeans (really nice ones: black and faded and felty) which I could barely tug on before fit slightly too tightly now, but at least I can hoik them up and over my thighs and hips without the use of a crane anymore.

The not-feeling-hungry thing is odd. When everyone around me is hustling around trying to score a sandwich I wonder how I’m going to spend my lunchtime. This week I’ve just worked through it, taking my nominal 20 minutes to pop to the loo and put the kettle on. I feel like I’m an alien in disguise. It’s disconcerting but I am enjoying not relying on food.

I get a deep gnawing in my gut and that’s when I know my next pack is due. Hunger for me is generally that feeling, plus a kind of higher-up sensation (I can’t describe it) and, if I leave it too long, a low-blood-sugar faintness and sheen of sweat. But I remember being slim and having this gnawing feeling and thinking “hold up, better eat something soon”. And that, if I left it too long, *did* result in the faint feeling. But not all these sensations together, as they have been for so long. Now when I get the gnawing I feel slightly afraid that the faint feeling is coming, but it doesn’t. It must be a lifestyle with lots of refined sugar thing: is my body resetting its hunger levels now?

One thing I’ve noticed is that I feel guilty every time I put something in my mouth. I’ve just had my third pack (hot chocolate) and I feel guilty. I have found a sweetener-to-cold-water ratio which makes black coffee almost enjoyable, and I feel guilty about that too. I feel guilty about every single thing I eat and drink, and I think I have done for some time. It’s a bit mad.

Other little things, too - I’ve stopped listening to new music, or doing any ‘young person’ things. It’s like I’m not a young person, I’m a fat person, and I’ve put all that behind me.

Last night’s banana mousse wasn’t a huge success - it moussed up just fine (50ml of water, whisk, stick it in freezer for 5 minutes) but it tasted revolting. Now I’m going to try toasting a peanut bar then crumbling it up and adding some salt for “honey roasted peanuts”. I’m also going to drink the fuck out of some fizzy water and water flavours because I’m nowhere near my 3.5litre mark for today.

I was a little pissed off this morning when my skinny black jeans didn’t fit like a dream straight away. But this is the longest I’ve ever stuck with a diet (normally I just think about doing them and that’s exhausting/restrictive enough) AND this is the most weight I’ve lost on a diet. So that’s something.

Ooh, and Kellogg’s honey nut clusters. I’m adding them to the list as they look yummy in the adverts.

Week 2 Day 11

2009-09-17T21:14:00.000+01:00

Just a short one tonight - I'm plumped on the sofa in front of Grease, having just choked down a semi-successful banana mousse (my first attempt).

For most of the day I've been filled with the sense of intense wellbeing that I've heard others report. I'm sure it's down to the combination of minerals and vitamins in the food packs. They're all detailed in the green LL book I got, and I've resolved to find a way to supplement my diet with all of them when I've finished the diet. B-complex vitamins are where it's at I reckon.

Normally on a Thursday I have to drag myself around and am for all intents and purposes asleep until I've had at least 2 coffees. There was none of that today, I was raring to go and my concentration hat was on. In fact it was on so tight that I forgot to have my first pack (porridge) and didn't have my second (hot chocolate) until I got home at around 6pm. Don't think I drank the 3 litres of water either.

And I have, almost logically, found something else to worry about. It's a health thing, I don't want to go into it here, but I am seeing the doctor next week (it's one of those things you have to check out really) and am going to not worry about it till then.

After I got home, partly dude to the worrying, I got quite emotional and had a bit of a cry. Not sure what it was about; as I was crying I wondered what it was I was crying about... Perhaps it's LL moodswings. Who knows.

Anyway, I'm not fantastic at resting so I resolved to take it easy tonight. Hence sofa, Grease, hastily curtailed over-analysis. Goodnight.

Week 2 Day 10

2009-09-16T21:18:00.001+01:00

I have solved the Case of the Mysterious Hunger: it was the tablets I took to soothe my belly after it had a fight with the LL peanut bar. The tablets contain sucrose, which is all kinds of verboten on the programme (apparently most people get this talk when they join but because I joined 2 weeks after the rest of my group I think my LLC forgot).

But sucrose can knock you out of ketosis. So it was the sucrose in the library with the candlestick.

But! I'm not out of ketosis! Today I invested in some Ketostix (Litmus paper thingies you pee on; you can buy a tub from the chemist for about £5) and mine went cranberry again, which means I was in ketosis and somewhat dehydrated. It is harder to chug water when it's colder.

Today was fine - woke up about 30 minutes before my alarm went off and couldn't get back to sleep so I pootled around blearily then went to work. Energy levels were fine; didn't have my first pack until almost lunchtime.

Then a lovely guy from my work sidled up to my desk and whispered "I hear you're on the old Lighter Life" out of the side of his mouth: turns out he did it earlier this year and lost four stone in seven weeks. Mad. He didn't do Route to Management because he felt he'd learned everything he needed to know, and he's kept the weight off. He couldn't recommend LL more highly, and said it's really changed his outlook on life:

He almost instinctively makes healthy choices now
His approach has inspired his wife to start eating healthily
And they make sure their kids eat more healthily too
His tastebuds have changed; he used to love Chinese food and Diet Coke but can't stand them now
He eats treats and junk food now and again, but he takes his time over them and really enjoys them so he's properly satisfied
He only eats proper chocolate now (I suppose he means posh chocolate....)
He told me how to make a poppadom out of the soup pack (I remain unconvinced)
He warned me not to go swimming or play rugby while on the plan; he almost passed out. So I won't be doing that, especially not the rugby.

It was all really useful and he's a lovely chap. Sort of big and burly but not overweight at all. And it turned out I'd nicked his mug (it had his name on and everything) but he didn't mind.

I had a long work day, and had three of my packs there:

Porridge
Vegetable soup
Mushroom soup

Because I was going to see my LLC and swap some packs after work. It was a really intense work day, with lots of head-down projecty thinky work, and I noticed that I got hungrier sooner when I'd been doing thinky work, as opposed to when I'd just been in a meeting or something.

Plus I've been pretty active all day - gallivanting around at lunchtime, plus walking (about half a mile) to see my LLC afterwards. Didn't feel faint or anything, but I have noticed in the last few months (where I've just been eating indiscriminately) I have felt slower and heavier. Part of that is undoubtedly the problem with my legs/ankles. Normally I go charging around at a clipping pace, so to have to slow down is quite depressing. Today I felt slow and heavy and lumbery still, but I'm just trying to relax into it and hope it'll get better as I lose weight.

But I've been pretty much either walking around with a heavy bag or sitting and thinky-working from about 7.30am to 7.30pm, and I don't feel any the worse for it. A bit tired, or perhaps the feeling that I should be tired. Had my last pack (cold choco-banana) at 8ish and have just finished a cup of Earl Grey (since I can have it).

At my pop-in (LL encourages these cutesy sort of names; I'm already thinking of the other women in my group as 'ladies') I ran into a girl from my group. When I first met her I was intimidated by her tales of going for runs and being active and fabulous in her first week, and because I "only" lost 4lbs at my first weigh-in I'm half-convinced I'm going to be the sickly little small-weight-loss-and-lots-of-minor-health-problems girl; the runt of my group. But the girl, who - it grieves me and my snap-judgment prejudices to say - had struck me as excessively hale and hearty and opinionated, told me she's been having health problems and hasn't really seen any weight loss until recently. It's not schadenfreude exactly - I really liked her, and I think she does look slimmer - but nice to know I'm not alone in my wondering if this is all ever going to take off.

I want to see changes NOW NOW NOW, you see. I want to see a new, slimmer me every time I look in the mirror. But today my clothes felt looser and the pendant my boyfriend gave me a few weeks ago is sitting lower on my chest.

I think I'm going to have to engage patience mode and, perhaps, start thinking about things that aren't Lighter Life. Managed to sit through a cookery programme tonight so maybe that's a sign that I'm on the road to being able to Be in Company again.

Week 2 Day 9

2009-09-15T17:37:00.002+01:00

Day 9 has gone almost swimmingly.

With sensible use of hot water bottles (last night), peppermint tea (this morning) and avoidance of all things LL bar-shaped, the stomach aches have subsided.

However, I have been curiously hungry all day. Proper, growly-stomached, weak-and-woozifying, must-eat-now-or-will-faint hungry. I haven't felt like this since I went into ketosis.

I had my morning hot chocolate at about 8 and started feeling hungry at 10ish. But I try to space my packs out every 4 hours, so I hung in there. But by 12 I was starting to feel faint, so I had my porridge. Then I nipped out of the office to run some errands at lunchtime and found I was hungry (hungry hungry, if you get me) and all weak by 2pm! So again I waited and had my soup at 3ish. I got a huge wodge of work done today so I left at 4.30. Now I'm home with the hours stretched before me and only one pack to have left. But I plan to spend the evening on the sofa, so if I faint, at least I won't be uncomfortable....

I had a cup of black Earl Grey day-before-yesterday, and half of one today. And while I was drinking I realised I didn't know if it was allowed on LighterLife. Earl Grey has oil of bergamot and some sort of lemon in it, and I wondered if this had knocked me out of ketosis, causing the hunger.

Which is all very odd as I noticed this morning that my jeans (which I wore yesterday) were looser this morning.

Anyway, rather than fret about it I called my LLC who confirmed that Earl Grey is allowed, but maybe to knock it on the head for now as I might be more sensitive to the citrus content than others. And if I've been knocked out of ketosis it won't be long before I'm on it again.

And I have just done a rather stupid thing. I have just weighed myself on my own scales. And appear to be the same weight I was on Sunday.

ALL OF WHICH MEANS NOTHING. Tomorrow evening I'm popping in to swap my bars for things that won't make pain-spaghetti of my insides, so I'll wee on a stick then and see what's what.

Other than that I've had a grand day - quietly getting through my work in the office, not talking to anyone (yes, I am a hermit) and plugged into Last FM. It's a soggy, grey, rainy day but I like days like these. They make me want to curl up in an armchair by a window and read a book.

And it occurs to me now that whenever the weather's like this I always think "ooh I'd love to curl up in an armchair and read a book" and then proceed to not do so. Ever. I mean, I don't even own an armchair. I probably think this then go and do something the exact opposite of curling up in an armchair with a book.

Like fretting needlessly about Earl Grey and ketosis.

Hm. All right then, I shall go and curl up on the sofa with a book, chug water and normal tea and ride out the hunger pangs, or whatever they are, by splitting my last pack.

This Lighter Life counselling thing is awfully pervasive. I suspect they may all be wizards.

Week 2 Day 8

2009-09-14T19:02:00.001+01:00

Today I feel a bit meh. Not sure why, so I'm going to explore it in the form of a bulleted list. This is going to be terribly self-absorbed and boring and I apologise.

Reasons for meh:

The LL honeymoon is over. I've been through the "ooh I'm dying" drama of the first week and the excitement of trying all the different shakes, soups and bars (although there are some left to try) and I know I'm in it for the long, long, long haul.
I woke up this morning with a dull pain in the left side of my abdomen, a windy belly and had to make non-urgent but frequent and uncomfortable trips to the loo.

The whole thing puts a dent in my energy levels which aren't great to begin with. I've had similar symptoms quite a few times over the last few months and I've spent half the day fretting that I've got diverticulosis or Crohn's or something sinister. The thing is, I don't have any real sinister symptoms, and long ago I was diagnosed with stress-related IBS. And I do suffer with stress. A lot.

The truth of it is probably that I had an upset tummy last week and I'm not completely over it because I have IBS; the diet is new, my stomach is adjusting to it (and will take some time because, duh, I have IBS) and having the bars probably doesn't help as I've heard they can cause stomach problems. In fact I had my first bar yesterday and had the stomach problems today, so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what might be up.

But it's as though I need to find something, anything, to worry about. Yesterday and the day before I was worried that I'd put all the weight back on once I finished the diet and ate a potato. Then I asked around on various forums and was reassured. Now I've found this to worry about.

In fact, my Adult head is saying okay, it's probably the bars, let's leave them for a few days and see how the tummy does. My child is saying BUT I HAVEN'T TRIED ALL OF THEM AND I WANT TO. And my critical parent (maybe) is feeling put out because I WORKED OUT A SYSTEM FOR THIS WEEK DAMNIT (porridge and bars at work, in order to avoid being Conspicuous Diet Girl). Ugh. So my adult head is saying okay, put the bars to one side and just have porridge and soup at work, and if the tummy problems continue let's see a doctor. So let's do that then. I guess. Although it sounds all too sensible and balanced if you ask me.
I only lost 4lbs this first week. I KNOW I KNOW. If I were on WeightWatchers or something it would be a massive coup. It's just that other (admittedly taller and heavier) women have had enormous losses at their pop-ins, then further gigantic losses on their first week, whereas I lost 3.4lbs and then a dizzying 0.4lbs at my first week weigh-in. I'm afraid that I've somehow done something wrong and that I'm not in ketosis anymore. I'm worried I won't see anymore losses. After the initial excitement of clothes feeling looser, they sort of feel the same now (although I think my stomach is a bit bloated with all the nastiness). I look in the mirror and it's the same. And I can't imagine it ever being any different.

And I fret that I'll have to keep taking Imodium and that'll slow down my weight loss. Even though when I asked the locum she said it makes no difference; it might not show on the scales initially but you are burning the fat: you can't help but burn the fat. If you're in ketosis.

And so of course now I'm privately wondering if the actual tablet content is taking me out of ketosis, or maybe I blacked out and ate something and don't remember, and just in case you're wondering whether this is all actually based in fact let me remind you that MY KETOSIS PEE STICK WAS PALE PINK YESTERDAY.

It's all foundless blather.

Maybe it's my internal chatterbox thingy trying to discourage me from following the diet (I have in the last hour or so started wondering if it's medically unsound and will kill me). Good lord I really need to shut up.
It is my best friend's birthday. She is abroad with another close friend, having a whale of a time. This time last year we were all together, abroad, having a whale of a time. I honestly don't get this emotional but I feel like I could cry, because I feel left out (even though there are perfect reasons why I'm not there) and left behind and all sorts of self-pity crap.
I'm not experiencing the "woohoo!" boundless energy other people have reported. I hope I'm not one of the sickly ones who look all pale and drawn and tired throughout the diet.
Everything lately has been about LighterLife. Researching it before I started, the newness of it, going to the meetings, talking about it in forums, worrying about it. I actually want to tell it to fuck off for a bit. Not to stop doing it, but to stop thinking about it, by Christ, there are other things in life.
I had a few revelations at the LL meeting yesterday about who I am, and what I do, and whether or not I'm betraying myself with my actions. And it's made me a bit withdrawn and thinky.

Well, there you go.

On the plus side (assuming you've stuck with me so far) today was my first full, busy day on LL. I went to my pre-work appointment, went through a long, busy and stressful work day, completed lots of work of (I hope) quality, and ran around the building, up and down stairs etc. And although I'm not feeling brilliant today, I didn't feel hungry (emptyish when it was coming up to food pack time), and though I had this pervasive tiredness I didn't feel faint or ill.

And my attitude to food is funny now. My colleague was eating a lovely fat baguette full of meaty and salady things next to me at lunch. And it smelled attractive, and I looked at it and felt sort of contemplative and melancholy. As though I were an old man looking at a young woman who reminded me of my wife who died many years ago. Or something.

I guess the point is I didn't feel deprived, or want to whip it from her hands and swallow it whole. How much of that is down to LL or just the fact that I'm a bit bilious today, I don't know.

Today I have had:

Hot chocobanana before I left the house. Too hot! I am not good at making things that aren't coffee before 7am.
Porridge at work: an extra sweetener and taking it out of the microwave to give it a good stir every 30 seconds makes it a lot more palatable.
Toffee bar. Curried vomit in a yogurty aspartame shell. I think I even vomited a little of it back up in my throat later, and it tasted the same. There is no misery like suspecting that something is upsetting your stomach and then having to eat another one because you've nothing else. Bleh.

I think I'll go and do some non-LL stuff. Mainly lying on the sofa at this point, but I may progress to non-LL conversation with the boyfriend or even something like piano practice. However I suspect an early night is more on the cards. But I may take a book.

Things what I am going to do when I is skinny, yeah.

2009-09-13T19:09:00.001+01:00

Learn yoga. Or pilates. Or yogalates. Or poga. Whatever - in a class with other humans, not in my living room in front of a DVD like a loser.
Join a tribal bellydance class. Because that shit rocks my world.
Quit smoking. Either when I'm in my healthy BMI, when I'm navigating the cake-infested waters of management. Or, perhaps more healthily, when I've been off LL and maintaining my weight confidently for a couple of months.
Get almost every inch of me waxed and manicured.
Take my enormous guitar, which I have to admit was a stupid purchase since I am tiny, and part-exchange it for a smaller, nicer one. I may do this as a treat when I hit a weight loss goal.
Buy an entirely new wardrobe. I'm going to be poor for a while, but my stash of size 10 clothes are early 2000's fashionable and may need an upgrade.
Go swimming. Get some prescription goggles sorted first, so I don't dive into the shallow end or something.
Go to the Green Man Festival. Just because it sounds nice and the last festival I attended was Glastonbury '99.
Learn to drive.
Get my hair coloured. I have long black hair and I'm going to put a fat streak of pale blonde through it and you can't stop me.

Week 1 Day 7: 2nd LL meeting

2009-09-13T18:14:00.001+01:00

The rest of Day 6 went well - I haven't yet experienced many of the OMG FABULOUS AND AMAZING!!!!!! ketosissy bags of energy loads of people on the forums report, but it's early days. And perhaps I'm just not a very OMG!!!! person.

I wasn't hungry at all though, and had to force my last pack (hot chocolate/vanilla - vanilla and I are parting ways now, blech) down myself at bedtime. Today has gone pretty well, too, energy/hunger-wise.

I tried the tomato soup at lunch. I won't be doing that again.

Today I had my second LL meeting. Our LLC was otherwise indisposed today, and when I arrived I could hear the locum in the next room, roundly scolding one of the ladies in my group. Apparently this lady had just turned up to 'pick up my packs and go', and the locum sent her away with a flea in her ear about the importance of attending the counselling sessions, doubting her commitment to Sparklemotion, and so on.

I just sat there, awkwardly flicking through one of the LL magazines and wondering what kind of hell the session would be.

But it was brilliant! Disappointingly, only 2 of the other ladies turned up, but having such a small group made for a really useful session. Today we learned more about ego states, and talked about what makes us eat when we're not hungry, and what is actually going on in our heads when we reach for extra food at the end of a stressful day, say.

Our locum was amazing. She had x-ray eyes! After about half an hour she looked at me and said:

"I think you know exactly what you want. I think you moved to London to do a number of things, but you're hiding from them behind your weight. You're eating instead, worrying about what other people think of you, and you're putting everything else first rather than taking care of yourself."

Which shut me up. She seemed to be spot-on about the other ladies, too.

Talking to her I also realised:

When I'm angry, I rebel by eating all the foods I'm not supposed to, because I'm not supposed to.
I rarely give myself non-food treats. Despite having 101 interests (my guitar, piano and fiction writing software are languishing under layers of dust), I always revert to food.

And she talked about crooked thinking - for example:

An event - eg. someone asks you to host a party.
Crooked thinking - you immediately think you can't do it because you're rubbish.
Balanced questions - well, what evidence is that that you can't do it? How do you know if you haven't tried?
Action - accepting the offer.
Feeling - positive and excited, while being aware of feeling nervous about it too.

So it's not all mumbo-jumbo for fatties. It's about examining how you behave and, rather than beating yourself up for behaving that way (which is, apparently, what the Critical Parent ego state would do), thinking about what's behind that behaviour, and looking at healthier and more productive ways to solve the problem.

It was all really interesting really.

This week I also got a special green book full of info, advice about the diet, psychotherapy techniques and pretty pictures of smiling, sylph-like former heffalumps, and my bars. I have tried the peanut one. It was delicious and it made me hungry.

Which brings us to my weight loss.

Ladies and gentlemen, at my week 1 weigh-in I have lost the staggering....

POINT FOUR OF A POUND.

Yes.

I was feeling physically hungry, I'd just peed on a special stick and it went a bit peach. I wondered whether I'd somehow fallen out of ketosis by sleepwalking to MacDonalds and having a quarterpounder with cheese meal or something (oh my god quarterpounder with cheese meals... but you see, this is exactly the sort of 'treat' I would have maybe once a month when I was slim, and be ecstatic about.... but the sort of thing that in recent years I've had after every big night out. After a while they taste quite samey).

Anyway, no. My pop-in was only 4 days ago, I've stayed on the programme, had a period (sorry, men), an upset tummy (sorry everyone) and had to take Imodium twice (sorry again). The locum says that as long as I've stayed on track I'm losing, and small losses this week mean big losses next week.

Of course I am worried that I'm that one person in a billion trillion whose body gets ketosis wrong and loses no weight at all.

But it's probably more likely that all the factors above plus the fact that I've not settled into a foodpack rhythm just means that my body's holding onto more at the moment.

Ooh, I wanted to note that, although I've been gulping water like a good LLer throughout, yesterday I didn't start drinking until midday. It was purely because I'd left my water bottle upstairs (and I honestly can't think of a lamer excuse) and I had had two large black coffees, but all the same, it's all too easy to fall into the habit of not drinking so I will CUT THAT OUT NOW.

Altogether I'm feeling quite positive about it all. Provided that I haven't put on any weight next week.

Now I'm off to read more of my green book.

Week 1 Day 6

2009-09-12T15:18:00.001+01:00

It's now early afternoon, and so far it's been good.

I woke up naturally after about 10 hours' sleep, my energy levels felt even and my clothes felt looser, although I'm trying not to weigh myself at home. And I don't feel ill. Empty, not ill.

I didn't have my first pack until 10.30 - didn't feel I needed to. Then I pootled off to the shop to fetch the newspaper and some snacks for the boyfriend. I didn't feel weak on the way there or back, and I like getting him snacks. I like walking around with Twixes and Double Deckers in a bag, knowing I'm not going to eat them. I also like cooking for him (or, let's be honest, putting things in the oven and taking them out for him), because it makes me feel less of a freakazoid for being on this diet.

My sense of smell has heightened since I started on LL, too - I can smell a barbeque from a mile away now. I've since learned that pizza smells lovely; rice and tofu less so (also watching the boyfriend eat that makes me so irrationally angry - why would he choose to eat that when there's tastier food he can have?); macaroni and cheese smells delicious. Apple cores have their own smell that I never noticed before. Luckily I'm not at the point where my cat's food makes me hungry.

But smelling nice food, I'm finding, is almost as good as eating it. Yum.

3.30pm and I've not yet had my 2nd pack!

I vowed to spend this weekend lying down and drinking lots of water. Tomorrow I have my 2nd meeting, so I'd better work on that lying down business rather than splurging neuroses on this journal.

More later...

[Update]
Still doing well, but could do without the constant thought cycle: Ooh I'm hungry/what shall I have to eat?/Well, what do I fancy?/Something toasty or cheesy or chippy/Oh wait/I'm not eating food/Bugger.

Week 1 Day 5

2009-09-12T15:09:00.000+01:00

This was the day I returned to work and, unfortunately, I woke feeling crappy. Not as crappy as the previous days, but still pre-migrainey, nauseous and feeling a bit weak. Even after I made up I noticed I was looking pale, with dark circles under my eyes. My stomach was grumbly too, and I wondered again if the Water Flavours were to blame.

However, I was heartened by the fact that some jeans I'd bought and not worn were snug when before they'd just not fitted at all. I had my first shake and went to work.

Work wasn't too bad - desk working was okay, and I survived my meetings with my sports bottle of water clasped firmly to me. A couple of people seemed worried that I looked so unwell, but I pointed out that the first few days are likely to be a bit rubbish and that I'd look into it if I felt unwell after the second week. Privately I was a bit disappointed that this famed 'ketosis energy' seemed to have left me.

Thankfully I racked up enough hours working at home to allow me to slope off at 4pm, avoiding a colleague's drinks event (not strong enough for these yet!). Again, I felt weak and shaky on the way home, but then recovered well after sitting down and preparing a hot chocolate shake.

There's something about the space between my second and third packs of the day that makes me weak and shaky. Wonder what the solution is. Felt all right (and very relieved that the working week was over) sitting on the sofa and, for the first time that week, went to bed at a normal time (10.30).

Week 1 Day 4

2009-09-12T14:57:00.000+01:00

Day 4 was my final day working from home, and I had my mid-week "pop-in" that evening.

It was the worst day.

I have never felt so low, so lacking in energy, and so utterly hopeless as I did that morning. And I've had swine flu.

I was weak as a kitten, still getting painful, physical hunger cramps, headachey, nauseous, and so, so tired. I knew I had to go to my pop-in later, and that I had to go into the office the next day, and I just couldn't imagine doing either because walking to the loo was taking it out of me.

Then someone on the Minimins forum said that feeling so bad was usually a sign that you were going into ketosis, so I should be feeling better soon.

Ha! I thought. You obviously haven't met me and my ability to feel unwell no matter what the circumstances.

The afternoon brought the unexpected surprise of a blocked toilet (not me, guv) and a trip, with boyfriend on crutches, to the local plumbers merchants for various tubey, plungey and acidy goodness to deal with it.

The boyfriend dealt with it. I helped, but mostly held my nose.

Then it was time to go to my pop-in - I'd ordered a taxi there and back but found myself feeling quite jaunty as I went up in the lift. Then I met my LLC - I've not made my mind up about her yet. She's very personable and knows her stuff. She lost 9 stone on the diet herself. But... how to put this? She's a bit overweight. A bit. It's just... well, I don't know what to do with that information, or how to ask about it, or even if I should. She also seems a bit flustered. I still don't have my LL registration number (admittedly I've not asked for it yet) but it means I can't get on the official Lighter Life forums. And she'd arranged for my pop-in to be at 6pm. You're supposed to get 45 minutes of uninterrupted you-time, but two other women turned up at that time as well. The LLC claimed she'd left them voicemails telling them to come later, but.... anyway. I didn't get my 45 minutes - more like 25 - but she was sorting out stuff for a promotion and god knows I've had my ditzy moments, so I shan't judge.

So anyway. By the time I had to pee on a stick I was quite jaunty. Full of beans and energy. I peed, the stick went a lovely shade of cranberry (I think that might mean that I was dehydrated), which means I WAS IN KETOSIS, BABY!

Then the LLC asked how my first few days had been, but it was all very rushed. I got weight (lost 3.5lbs in 4 days - but possibly more as I had my period and might have been retaining water), swapped some food packs for banana and chocolate flavours, bought some Water Flavouring and went on my merry.

When I got home I was so full of energy that I raced up and down the 3 flights of stairs in our house (that earlier that day I had literally taken minutes to climb), sorting out the bins and the recycling. Then I had my water flavour with some fizzy water (tastes like champagne after all those soups and shakes) and generally felt quite well-disposed to the world - hunger mostly gone, weakness gone, and feeling solid again. Quite happy to go back to work the next day, if I continued to feel so good.

Week 1 Day 3

2009-09-12T14:48:00.001+01:00

Day 3 was better. I awoke after 12 hours' sleep feeling less weak than I had the day before. AND I perfected my vanilla latte (the trick is to use HALF the vanilla pack, then blend it with the espresso and about 500ml of hot water like a motherfucker).

I ate:

1. Vanilla shake - split with 2 espressos (wheeeeeeee!)
2. Banana shake, split with chocolate shake (yum).
3. Chocolate shake, split with banana shake (hot - also yum).
4. Strawberry shake (meh).

Two vanilla lattes did make me a bit wired though. Also, reading about the lady who died on LL was a bit of a setback, however there are plenty who didn't die... there was also that lady who died after drinking 4 litres of water in 30 minutes while on LL. Now LL's standard line on water consumption is "drink to thirst", but the unofficial line is 4 litres still - to make up for all the water you normally get from food. I am quite short, so spent quite a lot of the day wondering if I'd drunk the requisite 3.5 litres, then panicking because I thought I'd drunk too much and was going to die.

On Day 1 I joined the Minimins forum and found some other ladies who are at a similar stage of the diet. I am very impressed with them as they all led busy lives and had children to manage during the first days, whereas I was just working at home salivating over beef and feeling sickly.

Different strokes, I suppose.

HOWEVER. Although I still felt somewhat weak, I did manage to take in the grocery delivery (boyfriend is recovering from surgery to his leg and I don't drive, so we're pretty immobile right now) without keeling over, AND I put it all away without sampling any.

I did feel all weak and feeble after all that heavy lifting, though, so I had my third pack and took some headache pills, then tried to rest for the evening. Although I failed - I worked, and went on the Minimins forum, then had another early night.

Week 1 Day 2

2009-09-12T14:37:00.000+01:00

Now, I'm very lucky because, having done my research and knowing that the first week on LL can be difficult, I asked my boss if I could work from home for 3 days that week, and she said yes.

That said, day 2 was rubbish, too. I was still faint, weak and nauseous for most of the day - plus I had a sick, pulsing headache that felt like a threatening migraine. Apparently these symptoms are down to carbohydrate withdrawal, and I do like my carbohydrates.

Undaunted I attempted the vanilla latte again (I'm really missing my daily lattes). This time I unearthed our dusty espresso machine, made a proper espresso and mixed it with a vanilla shake. It was an improvement, but still too gloopy.

I tried to space out my packs every four hours, as I heard that it can help with the wooziness. I had:

1 porridge (very nice; very porridgey - could have been hotter)
1 banana shake (split into two; I tried making a mousse with the first half but added too much water; I had the second soon after as I was feeling so weak)
1 mushroom soup (out of a mug, just like cuppa soup, yum).

But I still felt awful. I managed to get quite a bit of work done, but not as much as I'd liked, and got a bit emotional thinking I'd let my boss down, and had a bit of a cry in the afternoon. Luckily my boyfriend works from home so he was a captive audience for my misery.

I was also swooningly physically hungry. I sometimes suffer with (non-diabetic) low blood sugar crashes; I get woozy and feel as though I'm going to faint, and need some fruit juice (or, to be more honest, a Snickers bar) pronto or it all starts to go wrong. I've had more of these since I put on weight, and I was looking forward to having the chance to 'reset' my body's blood sugar level during abstinence.

But I felt as though I were having a blood sugar crash all day. To be honest, I'm not sure how much of this feeling crappy was down to the diet or the upset tummy of the day before.

Either way, I was physically hungry and emotional. Adverts on TV were driving me mad - I never noticed how much food is mentioned before! Someone said the word 'beef' on TV and I swear my mouth instantly filled with saliva. "I'm literally starving" I told my BF, who opined that I wasn't literally starving, and I got very cross.

It was a relief for everyone I think when I had my final soup pack (I felt a bit better by then) and went to bed early.

Week 1 Day 1

2009-09-12T14:24:00.000+01:00

Day 1 was horrendous, even before I'd started my diet.

1. It was a Monday.
2. I started my period.
3. I'd been half-awake all night with painful trapped wind and nausea.
4. As soon as I got up I was stuck in the loo with diarrhoea.

I had to cancel a pre-work physio appointment, and was even wondering if I could actually get to work, and whether to start my diet the following day.

In the end I swallowed some Imodium, made my first pack (disgusting: I tried to be clever and try a thing I'd read where you mix a Vanilla flavour shake with some instant coffee for a vanilla latte - but it was too gloopy and hot and I had to gag it down) and forced myself to go to the station.

Which probably would have been okay if the train hadn't been delayed, then packed FULL (and me not sure if I wouldn't need the toilet urgently) and diverted to an out-of-the-way station.

In the end I got to work and managed to make up my porridge pack before diving into a three hour meeting where there were CROISSANTS and PASTRIES. To be honest I was feeling so faint and lightheaded, and sick, that I wasn't hungry. I just kept gulping down my water.

I felt unwell for the rest of the day and finally came home. I should have had my third pack before leaving the office because I felt faint and sweaty on the train home. As soon as I got home I inhaled a chocolate shake, complained to my boyfriend, then had my Thai Chili soup pack and put myself to bed early, feeling utterly rubbish - nauseous still, weak, and with a painful stomach.

My first Lighter Life meeting

2009-09-12T13:53:00.000+01:00

My local Lighter Life HQ is not, as Google Maps purports, "six minutes' walk from a local train station", but slightly too far for me and my fragile ankles to walk comfortably. Which is annoying.

I'd already been weighed at my introductory session (turns out I have borderline BMI - I could have chosen the "lite" programme where you eat a proteiny meal a day, but I am a keen and prolific self-saboteur and that method seemed to have to wide a margin for error), so all that was left for me to do was join the group.

LL HQ has a large, comfortable room with lots of light, squashy sofas, a TV, a flipchart with squiggly psychotherapy diagrams, and a big sign saying "NO FOOD TALK" on the wall. There were about 6 other ladies (the groups are all single sex), who were between 20 and 60 years old (I reckon), and between 1 and 2 weeks ahead of me on the plan. None of them were heifers; some were plumpish, but most just looked like they were carrying a little post-Christmas weight.

They were all really nice and very chatty, and there was a definite coffee morning feel to the entire affair as they all greeted each other, compared weeks, swapped the food packs they didn't like for ones they did (everyone had different tastes), got weighed, and went to pee on special sticks to see if they were in ketosis.

I sort of sat curled up on my own, feeling shy and taking trouble over choosing my packs. What to have? I went with a selection of everything: porridge, shakes and soups (you don't get bars until your second week).

I also tried the water flavours - an orange one, a fruity one and a lemon one - which cost £9 and taste like orange and lemon squash, and Ribena. You don't get these until you're halfway through the first week of your diet. The Lighter Life Counsellor (to whom I will refer hereon in as LLC) warned me that all but one of them (Fruits of the Forest) contained Inulin, a sort of fibre which can cause upset stomachs.

I sat there sipping a glass of St Clements (orangey and Inuliny) and talking to the other ladies until the 'counselling' session began. This week was about the parent, adult and child "ego states".

The parent state, if I have this right, is the voice that says "you mustn't eat this" and is critical.
The child state is the voice that goes "BUT I WANT IT"
The adult state is your more balanced voice who makes decisions based on what's in front of them. "I want this but I shouldn't. Am I really hungry?"

Or something.

To be honest the counselling bit seemed a bit perfunctory. The LLC went over the points on screen and asked us all how food was seen in our households when we were children. I felt this went very quickly, then we were moving on to the next thing.

However, it did make me think - in my house, my mother was very strict about food - about not having sweets or snacks, eating everything you were given whether you liked it or not, and staying at the table until everyone was finished. But mealtimes were BORING because the adults talked and talked and talked through all the courses, right through to the sherry and cheese bit, and the bit where they all smoked. It seemed to last FOREVER.

But then one parent or another would suddenly stop being strict and be "naughty" - encouraging me not to finish my meal and "save space for pudding". Then giving me extra pudding (which we rarely had at home). Then they'd randomly break their no snack rule and take me out for ice cream or sweeties.

God, I was a spoiled child.

But the thing is, it was "naughty" behaviour. My family, for all their properness, were very playful, and I think the children in the house gave the adults an excuse to indulge their playful, naughty side. And they love their food. Going out to eat, whether we were off to a posh restaurant (always fun because of pudding, less so because of the endless talking) or getting takeaway from KFC, was a Big Event that made everyone jolly.

It's a wonder none of them were fat.

So I suppose I associate sweet food and snacks with naughtiness, and a certain amount of adult endorsement.

And I haven't been slim all my life - there was a period as a young teen where I was desperately unhappy and fed my unhappiness by skipping meals and solely eating food gleaned from the school tuck shop - crisps, chocolate, fat Coke, etc. And I seem to remember my mother also giving me the food I wanted, perhaps in a desperate bid to help me, but not knowing how. Somehow the weight dropped off me over the next year, and I went to sixth form college a size 10.

Anyway. I didn't say all this (the LLC moved on too quickly!) but it did ring a few bells in my mind.

Then I got all my food packs, was wished good luck, and left.

My first 2 goals

2009-09-12T13:12:00.000+01:00

Now, I'm not very good at goals. I have little experience of setting them and, obviously, even less of achieving them.

But everyone I've met on the various Lighter Life forums out there seems very jolly and positive, and they've set goals - and appear to be motivated by them. So I thought I'd try it too (I'm a sucker for peer pressure).

So. I have three stone to lose. Plus an extra half-stone if I don't do Route to Management (so I have 7lbs of leeway for weight gain when I quit abstinence).

So that's six (or possibly seven) half-stone goals.

Hmm. That's quite scary. I'm having trouble thinking about one non-food or drink-based treat, never mind seven!

Baby steps then.

My original two goals were:

Get through the first 4 days - DONE
Get into ketosis - DONE

So my next two goals are:

First half-stone: I'll buy myself some nice cheap acrylic jewellery from my favourite designer.
First stone: I'll buy that pair of Fly London boots I've had my eye on.

It's easy to wander into and-a-pony territory here, so let's revisit once I've achieved at least the first of those goals.

Why I'm following Lighter Life

2009-09-12T10:20:00.000+01:00

Because I want to lose weight, duh.

I used to be slim and vigorous, with a healthy interest in pasta and chocolate, but an even healthier interest in walking everywhere and going for a run every morning. I didn't think of it as "diet" or "exercise", I thought of it as "life".

Now I'm neither slim nor vigorous. I'm 3 stone over my ideal weight and 2 stone over my healthy weight. I got this way after I moved to Big Scary London, and comforted myself by joyfully patronising Pret and Starbucks during the working day, and engaging in competitive dinner portion sizes with boyfriend (who stands a good ten inches taller than me) in the evening.

Add to that a sedentary job, a disinclination to run on horrid London streets, being too self-conscious of my blobbiness to even contemplate joining a gym or exercise class, and an ankle injury which causes agony when I walk, is exacerbated my my weight gain, and has inspired my doctor to forbid me from walking so much as half a mile until I've shed the extra weight lest my ankles explode or snap off or something, and what you have is a vicious cycle, and a miserable person challenging the borders of cuddlydom.

Recently I've found myself gazing at slim young women enjoying life in nice clothes, and I've thought wistfully to myself: that used to be me. As though I'm a wizened crone sighing over her lost youth in the Crusades, or whatever. Thing is, I'm still young. And I deserve to be slim, wear nice clothes, and enjoy life.

Which brings us to Lighter Life. I've done my research, I've quizzed my friends, I've asked every medical person I know, and I've read all the scare stories. And I'm still motivated by the prospect of losing a stone a month, having healthyish ankles by Christmas, and some counselling to give me more insight into why I overeat.

When I started this I wasn't planning to do the 12 week Route to Management programme at the end of the 14 weeks, where you reintroduce food into your diet. But loads of people swear by it, so we'll see.

How Lighter Life works

2009-09-12T09:45:00.000+01:00

Firstly, I don't work for Lighter Life or anything. I just buy their food packs, attend their counselling sessions, and pray for slenderness.

Lighter Life is a Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD), on which you abstain from normal food for 14 weeks. Instead you have 4 protein-based, nutritionally rich (apparently) "food packs" per day - shakes, soups and bars.

You can only do Lighter Life if you have a BMI of over 29; if you have less to lose you can do the "lite" programme, on which you have 3 foodpacks and a low-carbohydrate meal per day.

Doing all this gets you into ketosis, a state in which your body burns your own fat, rather than food you've digested, for fuel.

If you follow the programme you typically lose about 3 stone in the 14 week period.

There are other programmes with a similar regime - The Cambridge Diet and the government-endorsed Lipotrim system. But the two things that set Lighter Life apart are

1. The price - at £66 per week it's so hefty that every time you feel yourself wobble, pound signs appear before your eyes.

2. The counselling - you can't do the programme if you don't commit to the weekly group counselling sessions. Your Lighter Life Counsellor (LLC) uses cognitive behavioural therapy and transactional analysis techniques to explore the reasons why you overeat: the idea being that once you finish the programme you'll have lost all your extra weight, and you'll be fully equipped to go back into the world without stuffing your face with cake every day. And, if you do stuff your face with cake every day, at least you'll understand why.

The stages of Lighter Life (as I understand them)

1. Foundation - the 14 week abstinence period

2. Development - if after 14 weeks you have more to lose, you go onto this programme. Not sure how long it is, and I think you have some sort of break before starting it, as you're not supposed to follow a VLCD for more than 14 weeks without some sort of dietary change.

3. Route to Management - a 12 week programme in which you gradually reintroduce normal food until you're eating regularly again. I think the purpose behind this is to not completely blitz your metabolism, and to put some of the food behaviour theory stuff into practice.

4. Management - this is when you've reached your goal weight, and I'm not at all clear about how it works. I think it might involve some sort of secret handshake.

Bea's Lighter Life (+ Lite) Journal

Week 15 Day 107: change, sabotage and control

Week 13: Day 89 ***FOOD TALK***

Week 12 Day 84: WARNING - SOME FOOD TALK

Week 12 Day 83: eating again and the weirdness of it all

Week 12 Day 83: My first LLL meeting

Week 12 Day 82: a new beginning - LighterLife Lite. Difficult questions and honest answers

Week 9 Day 68

Week 9 Day 65

Week 8 Day 57

Week 7 Day 56

Week 7 Day 53

Week 6 Day 49

Week 6 Day 42: catchup

Week 6 Day 42: LL wizardry - more crooked thinking and lifelines

Week 6 Day 42: 6th LL meeting and weigh-in

Week 6 Day 37

Week 6 Day 36

Week 5 Day 35: 5th LL meeting; crooked thinking; scale inconsistencies

Week 5 Day 32: the doors of perception

Thoughts on weight loss, group dynamics, self-esteem and expectations

Week 5 Day 30

Week 5 Day 29

Week 4 Day 28: 4th LL meeting

Things I'm going to miss about being overweight

Week 4 day 27

Week 4 Day 26

Week 4 Day 25

Week 4 Day 24

Week 4 Day 23

Thoughts about RTM (Route to Management)

Week 3 Day 18

A post to say I'll post...

Week 2 Day 14: 3rd LL meeting

Lightbulb moment: guilt

Week 2 Day 13: lightbulb moments, poppadoms and banana mochaccinos

Week 2 Day 12

Week 2 Day 11

Week 2 Day 10

Week 2 Day 9

Week 2 Day 8

Things what I am going to do when I is skinny, yeah.

Week 1 Day 7: 2nd LL meeting

Week 1 Day 6

Week 1 Day 5

Week 1 Day 4

Week 1 Day 3

Week 1 Day 2

Week 1 Day 1

My first Lighter Life meeting

My first 2 goals

Why I'm following Lighter Life

How Lighter Life works

Week 13: Day 89 FOOD TALK