Sunday, 20 September 2009

Week 2 Day 14: 3rd LL meeting

After last week's LL meeting I came away with a great sense of insight and hope: I hadn't lost much but was confident this would mean a bigger loss the following week, and I learned so much about who we are and what motivates us to eat.

Today was different - our regular LLC was back and most of the group was present. I was weighed and it turns out I've lost 3.2lbs.

I was really surprised and a little disappointed - I can see the loss so clearly on myself: I'm lady-shaped, not blob-shaped now, and boobs are smaller, clothes fit better, my neck is slimmer etc. etc. I was actually half-surprised that everyone didn't go "OMG YOU LOOK SO THIN" as soon as I walked in, but most of them have only seen me once before.

But also, thinking about it:
  • I may have gone out of ketosis for a day this week (sucrose in tablets)
  • I had just had a shake before going to the LL meeting
  • I didn't drink nearly enough water (apparently this really affects your loss) for 2 days
And I have now lost half a stone. Which was one of my goals. I get to buy myself a necklace now. Whoopee.

Yeah, I'm just not feeling it. In fact I'm having some tetchy thoughts of the "I would probably lose the same amount on WeightWatchers if I did it" variety (not that I would stick to WeightWatchers of course). It's just that this week seemed so long. Well, it seemed short at the time, but I am thinking of Lighter Life, Lighter Life, bloody Lighter Life all the time. And after all that eating, and all those "ooh look how skinny I am" moments first thing in the morning, I've only lost 3.2 fucking pounds?!

There is also the fact that I am quite short, and shorter people tend to have a slower loss.

But still.

I feel angry and tricked.


At group today we talked about the different types of psychological hunger, and about behaviour around food. In particular, secret eating. Now I have been blithely going around thinking "Oh, it's just that I overeat at mealtimes, I don't snack all that much and I certainly don't binge", which is only half true.

The truth is that when I was skinny, I would happily say "fuck the world" and treat myself to a DVD, some ice cream and a big fuck-off pizza that I couldn't hope to finish - once a month - and all would be right with the world.


One night a week the Boyfriend goes out to indulge his hobby. And on that night, as soon as I get home (no matter what thoughts I've been having about trying a new pasta dish, or just having a hot sandwich or something for dinner) I order a pizza. I then inhale the pizza (all the pizza, because I have a big hoover bag for a stomach now), stuff it in the outside trash so he doesn't see it, and hate myself.

When the Boyfriend gets home and inquires about my dinner, I say "Oh I wasn't hungry". Or I say I had toast. The next day I have stomach problems, bloating, pain, and increased hunger so I never have "that salad to make up for it" that I was planning.

I don't even really like the pizza.

It started as a treat, then got corrupted into a way to punish myself with food.

It was so hard to admit, even to myself. It's secret eating and binge eating. It's food addiction. I'm addicted to food. It sounded like such bullshit in the LL literature but, damn it, it's actually true.

Then a strange thing happened when I got home from group. I arrived home feeling all churned up and unhappy, and realised I was hungry. I was a bit confused as to whether this was psychological hunger, disguised thirst, or actual hunger (I was due my third pack). And it's hard to be objective when you're feeling weak and unhappy and hungry and the food is right there.

This is the conversation that went on in my brain:

Me 1: "I really want a peanut bar. Right now."
Me 2: "Noooo! I'm off work after Tuesday and I bought them specially to have for honey roasted peanuts in the evening as a treat!"
Me 1: "But I want one now.  I really really want one."
Me 2: "But they give me a windy belly! And they make me hungrier. Why not just have a shake and have the peanut bar on Tuesday evening? I have an early morning physio tomorrow and I don't want to go there with a windy belly, and then spend the morning at work on the loo!"
Me 1: "You mean having a peanut bar now would decimate my 'treat' supply and cause me pain and discomfort exactly when I don't need it?"
Me 2: "Yes! It would literally be self-destructive of me to have a peanut bar right now."
Me 1: "Right then, I'm having one."

So I had one. I had it because I was feeling shitty and because I was feeling shitty about myself, and because having the peanut bar would make me feel even shittier.

And now of course the temptation is to continue to sabotage myself by doing something else to make me feel shitty. I could start an argument with Boyfriend just so I'd feel crap about having done it later. I could think about all the weight I haven't lost, and about the woman in my group who lost a stone in 2 weeks. I could look up my exes on Facebook.

But I won't. I'm going to have an enjoyable evening on the sofa. I'm tired of creating bad feeling in reaction to bad feeling, then sublimating it all into a cycle of failure, punishment and excess.

No more. I'm actually an okay person. I don't deserve to beat myself up all the time. I'm fine.


Anonymous said...

Hi Bea - just wanted to say - what a fantastic post - I really identified with what you said - my lightbulb moment too. Thanks.

Bea said...

Aw thanks! Glad it was good for something :)

And well done. This food business is a funny old lark and so often something we use to hurt ourselves with (which is a shame, as food is so yummy as a treat!).

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