Sunday, 29 November 2009


Well, today I have been roaming around feeling vaguely angry with myself all day for not doing my writing exercises or undertaking The Great Straightening of the Hair (my hair is so thick that this gives me arm-ache and tends to take about an hour), or just - you know, being organised - so let's just have a look at what I have done:

1. I posted honestly on the Minimins forum
I told them about LLL, I told them about wanting to eat over Christmas, I told them about my struggles with this and the motivation for it, and you know what? No one has jumped down my throat yet. In fact everyone has been really nice and supportive, and I'm still welcome to post on the thread despite moving to LLL. Someone may of course start warning me against cheating, which is their right and which I may actually need, but we shall see. But I've got loads of compliments as well, and the general consensus is that I'm making the right decision for myself. Which is lovely. I don't really know why I came clean; I guess we've been in it so far together and these ladies have been SO inspirational. They deserved to know the truth and as far as I know, no one on the boards has gone running for the biscuit tin as a result.

2. I put away all my too-big clothes
Despite the Miracle of the Size 10 Skinny Jeans, I'm still not brave enough to go abseiling into the attic to find my size 10 clothes, but I decided to take the first step and weed out all the clothes that were hopelessly too big from my wardrobe. There's quite a lot as it happens; depressing amounts of trousers that just seem like tents now (I tried the wash-your-jeans-at-60deg-and-they'll-shrink-a-size and it didn't work. Sigh. Aren't most jeans pre-shrunk now anyway?), and tops that I could swim in, plus a few I struggled with - I could probably wear them without looking like I was in my big sister's clothes, but they were just so depressing - that cheap type of thing that's not really your style but will do for now until you're slimmer, except you never are, and you're constantly reminded of this every time you take it out to put it on... Anyway, I got rid of those. No more making do! No more Mrs Nice Bea! Grr! Actually I've put them in a bin bag and stuck them in the attic. I'll probably end up taking them to the charity shop, but I don't want to keep them around. LLL is such a change from LL that I sort of feel like I'm not on the diet anymore (hopefully this is just temporary) and what with the "planned lapses" etc I'm worried that having bigger clothes around could provide a sort of evil safety net. I don't want size 14s or 16s to ever, ever be an option again.

3. I paid all my bills online!
This is a big thing. I was being really good with money and then the weight thing sort of spiralled and I found myself having a "don't look" approach to my bank account. Now I mainly avoid it because the chunk LL takes out of my pay packet is enough to give me a heart attack, but what with all the internal drama and misery of the last couple of weeks I *have* found myself straying and buying lots of trinkets I don't need. I think it's my back-up abuse when I'm not eating. Hm. But today I steeled myself, checked my account, paid my bills and.... well, it's not really that bad. It's not great - I would have a lot more money IF I STOPPED BUYING THINGS, but it's definitely salvageable. And I have enough moolah for Christmas, although some people may be getting potato prints or paper chains for Christmas. Which is no bad thing - I always buy way too extravagant gifts. Money is not love, just like food. Anyway, I didn't realise what a mental burden this had been until, after I'd paid everything, I went skipping round the house singing! So pay your bills! It'll make you happy, apparently.

4. I had my meal
Today it was a fried egg with smoked salmon, mushrooms, tomato and spinach. I wigged out at the cooking part again and had to enlist the boyfriend. Then I got all flustered again so I didn't really eat it until it was cold. I didn't wolf it down this time, I tried to stop and savour the flavour but I need to work a harder at it. I really think now that it is because I'm just so freaked out about it that I want to get it over with as quickly as possible!

5. I had a looooong shower and exfoliated with my favourite product.
Which was nice.

6. I made Christmas cake!
Bloody hell, what a process. Hot kitchen, all the bowls that we own all over the countertops full of raisins and flour and whatnot. I am not the world's most confident baker, but I wanted to make something Christmassy, and I wanted to bake, so I decided on Christmas cake! My mother's not making it this year (and I don't actually like it - but I love the smells) so I took on the job. Again, I was all flustered and got it all a bit wrong; the sugar and eggs and butter sort of curdled a bit, and I already had about ten tons of ingredients weighed out behind me, so I was panicking. It all seemed to work out in the end though; it's baking now, filling the house with lovely smells. If it turns out not to be poisonous I might take it to work as a Christmas present. Can't wait to whack on the marzipan next week! The worst part was zesting a lemon (even the merest hint of lemon on LL and LLL can whack you out of ketosis, it is VERBOTEN) - you know how it gets into your hands. I must have scrubbed them eight times already - I keep thinking I can taste lemon on my lips but it must be my imagination because the twain didn't meet. I'm thinking of making Lebkuchen - those little German iced gingerbread cakes - and sending them to my best friends as Christmas presents, too.

7. I got my clothes ready for the week
This sounds very sad and anal, but I always mean to do this at the weekend, but then I find I just don't want to think about the week and I end up at 6.30 on a Monday morning stomping round the house turning all the lights on, trying to find a sock, and I'm often late (well, later than I'd like) for work.

8. I got my meal ready for tomorrow
My colleagues are DYING to see me eat "proper food" so I'm taking my meal in for lunch tomorrow. Last night I rubbed some basil and a teeny tiny spray of 1 Cal Olive Oil on two chicken breasts and refrigerated them, and today I grilled them. One's gone back in the fridge; the other I shredded and added to a salad (spinach leaves, rocket, watercress, carrots and spring onions with a bit of lemongrass, ginger and garlic powder) with some sort up Parma ham. The amount of protein you have to have on LLL is insane; I'm still not entirely sure I'm doing it right (this morning my scales said I'd PUT ON a pound!) so I'll see how I go. Either way I will eat my lunch SLOOOWWWWWLLLLLYYYY. Even if it turns out that I have an audience.

9. I found a recipe for gingerbread syrup for lattes
And it's a recipe I can de-fattinise by replacing the sugar with Splenda! You can make it and whack it in the fridge for ages, so if I do go over to the dark side at Christmas, at least I won't do it at a full-fat rate... plus I can hang onto it for when I've completed RTM. No more will I have to rely on Starbucks for my gingerbread lattes! I can have them at home (we have an espresso machine)! You have NO IDEA how exciting this is for me. And also I DON'T WANT ONE RIGHT NOW. Which is equally exciting in a different way.

10. I bought a size 10 party dress
IT'S OKAY, IT WAS IN THE SALE. But it's a dress (I've not liked dresses since putting on weight; I've worn exactly TWO in the last 5 years), and a PARTY dress (I've never in my adult life worn one; I always think I'll feel like I'm on Strictly or something). But I also have been saying no to quite a few parties while on LL. I've gone to a lot - but I've also stayed away from a lot. But there's a party in a couple of weeks I'd like to go to, and I'd like to go to it in this size 10 party dress. I'm still convinced that it'll be like squeezing an elephant into a condom - not because I'm planning to eat and therefore won't be a size 10 - but because I'm still attributing the Miracle of the Size 10 Skinny Jeans to some sort of fault or anomaly. I will report back re this.

So I've done quite a lot really. And writing? Well, what's this then?!

Until next time....


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