Week 2 Day 12

Gosh, day 12 already. The first week seemed interminable but this one is vrooming past.

Today was fine - another thinky-work day, got lots done. Energy levels have remained high, and again I had to really force myself to have my first pack (porridge) at lunchtime. Rushed my second pack (mushroom soup) a couple of hours later because I was on my way to a meeting - I didn’t rinse out my mug properly beforehand so my soup was bubbly and tasted distinctly of washing up liquid. Bleurgh.

Today my colleagues went to Carluccio’s for lunch and I didn’t feel a pang of regret. Actually I felt bad for their wallets and their afternoon concentration. Although I listened carefully to what they had - I’ve never been to Carluccio’s and it sounded yummy; I’m mentally making a ‘food list’ of things I’ll want to eat when I’m off the diet. So far I have:

• Albondigas (spicy Argentinian meatballs)
• Something at Carluccio’s
• Something at Chilango’s
• Something at Masala Zone
• Another big pink drink in a goldfish bowl I had with a friend recently which, again, I rushed as we were on our way to dinner.
• Big Mac

Yes, a Big Mac. I’ve never liked them before but yesterday I was craving one. But then again apparently your tastes change when you’re on LL (I hope I still want my beloved lattes when I get off this thing) so we’ll see. It might be all apples and celery but I hope not. I come from a foodie family and I intend to continue enjoying food, just not over EVERYTHING ELSE, and in moderation.

I think I’m losing weight; I keep weighing myself in the mornings - I know it’s bad, and that a morning post-pee weight isn’t true, but the numbers keep going down and that’s good enough for me.

I don’t think my stomach bulges out as much, and I can see some definition in my upper abdomen, around my clavicle and in my arms. At least my arms look more like *arms* now, and not so much like sausages. I have to wear a belt on some roomy jeans which used to fit snugly, and some other skinny jeans (really nice ones: black and faded and felty) which I could barely tug on before fit slightly too tightly now, but at least I can hoik them up and over my thighs and hips without the use of a crane anymore.

The not-feeling-hungry thing is odd. When everyone around me is hustling around trying to score a sandwich I wonder how I’m going to spend my lunchtime. This week I’ve just worked through it, taking my nominal 20 minutes to pop to the loo and put the kettle on. I feel like I’m an alien in disguise. It’s disconcerting but I am enjoying not relying on food.

I get a deep gnawing in my gut and that’s when I know my next pack is due. Hunger for me is generally that feeling, plus a kind of higher-up sensation (I can’t describe it) and, if I leave it too long, a low-blood-sugar faintness and sheen of sweat. But I remember being slim and having this gnawing feeling and thinking “hold up, better eat something soon”. And that, if I left it too long, *did* result in the faint feeling. But not all these sensations together, as they have been for so long. Now when I get the gnawing I feel slightly afraid that the faint feeling is coming, but it doesn’t. It must be a lifestyle with lots of refined sugar thing: is my body resetting its hunger levels now?

One thing I’ve noticed is that I feel guilty every time I put something in my mouth. I’ve just had my third pack (hot chocolate) and I feel guilty. I have found a sweetener-to-cold-water ratio which makes black coffee almost enjoyable, and I feel guilty about that too. I feel guilty about every single thing I eat and drink, and I think I have done for some time. It’s a bit mad.

Other little things, too - I’ve stopped listening to new music, or doing any ‘young person’ things. It’s like I’m not a young person, I’m a fat person, and I’ve put all that behind me.

Last night’s banana mousse wasn’t a huge success - it moussed up just fine (50ml of water, whisk, stick it in freezer for 5 minutes) but it tasted revolting. Now I’m going to try toasting a peanut bar then crumbling it up and adding some salt for “honey roasted peanuts”. I’m also going to drink the fuck out of some fizzy water and water flavours because I’m nowhere near my 3.5litre mark for today.

I was a little pissed off this morning when my skinny black jeans didn’t fit like a dream straight away. But this is the longest I’ve ever stuck with a diet (normally I just think about doing them and that’s exhausting/restrictive enough) AND this is the most weight I’ve lost on a diet. So that’s something.

Ooh, and Kellogg’s honey nut clusters. I’m adding them to the list as they look yummy in the adverts.