Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Week 4 Day 24

Just got in from seeing Dorian Gray. It is rather good, and Dorian Gray himself is a bit of a hottie (not the painting so much, obviously), and he was up to all sorts of sauciness in the film, which was very nice to watch. Which now obviously means I must dig out my Prince Caspian DVD and drool inappropriately through it.

Anyway. I think I've indulged in a little self-sabotage today. It was this morning before I left for work, when I was stumbling around blearily and decided to have my porridge before I left, because then I could blend it (and, damnit, if I couldn't have cinnamon I could at least eliminate the lumps).

This presented two problems:

1. I generally don't have breakfast. My stomach doesn't really wake up until lunchtime (when of course it is a ferocious beast and requires much sandwich-based appeasement), and forcing food down in the early hours is a bit like swallowing sick.

2. My brain doesn't generally wake up until about 11am. Before that time I'm only good for making coffee, leaving the house without my keys, lighting the wrong end of cigarettes and missing my train.

Which was an ideal time for my self-saboteur to strike.

"I'll just have a little cinnamon," I thought. "To give it a bit of flavour. Just a little. It won't do any harm."

So I did have a little cinnamon, and I have been hungry all day. Not very hungry, just a little hungry, appropriate to the amount of cinnamon I had. I had already decided that I prefer feeling unhungry and energetic to cinnamon. I don't think my subconscious got the memo though.

I also didn't drink enough water. I need to drink 4 of my 75cl bottles to have my daily 3.5litre fix, but I kept forgetting to drink, or forgetting to fill the bottle. I've heard lots of people say that the more water you drink (in moderation, and slowly, obviously), the more weight you lose. Because drinking water makes you pee out the fat-burning enzymes, the ketones. And when you expel ketones, your body makes more. So you burn more fat per day.

I'm pretty sure my self-saboteur is using this knowledge against me.

When I use the water flavourings I glug it away like anyone's business, so life would be much easier if I carried it around all day. For some reason I've decided I need to do it the hard way though.

Clearly this is a self-esteem thing. I sometimes think with these sort of things that the trick to changing behaviour is to pick apart the why. But that approach alone doesn't seem to be working, so I'm just going to pretend that I think I'm eligible for an easy life and see if that turns the tide.

The hardest thing about this diet, for me, is that I know it's not just about food. I doubt anyone's problem is just with food.

Eating too much and staying bigger than I should be is all part of a cycle of avoidance, so if I'm to succeed I need to address how I live my whole life, not just what I stick in my mouth. One part of me feels totally ready to do this; I think I've been ready and raring to go for a long time. I want to be better.

It's just that what my heart thinks is a priority my head, sometimes, ties rocks to and sinks to the bottom of my various neuroses.

You know, it's funny. Watching Dorian Gray sort of opened my mind's eye to myself. In the film they show very well how, upon realising the sort of life he could have, he gives himself over to pleasure and excess.

Whereas I'm the opposite.

I'm sort of pretty. I'm pretty elderly (in my early 30s) but luckily I still look about 23. I have a good a good relationship, loads of great friends, a good job, lots of respect, a nice house, loads of interests and hobbies, and I live in one of the most vibrant cities on the planet. But I never exploit any of it. I even sort of know - after years of searching and wondering - what I want to do with my life, but I'm too paralysed with fear to do much about it.

And being overweight helps all of this continue.

I can't get my head around the fact that I'm going to be slim relatively soon. I'm carrying around too much being-overweight baggage. And I'm so worried all the time. I plan to give up smoking once I've lost weight, so really I only have another 3 months of smoking. I keep worrying that I have cancer (even though I have no symptoms). Maybe I should just be enjoying these last few cigarettes instead.

I think I'm just used to things turning really, really bad just as I've relaxed into something and started to enjoy myself. I don't know if that's happened every time in the past, but I feel as though it has. So... I seem to have decided at some point just to worry about things and never really enjoy them.

Which isn't really living, is it?  I have so many things going in my favour and I just worry, worry, worry.

Somewhere in my attic there's probably a painting of a slim, content, adventurous me.

Of course this doesn't meant I'm going to dump my poor boyfriend and begin a hedonistic existence of pouring champagne over half-undressed debutantes (not really my bag). In fact I'm not sure what to do with that thought, but it's an honest thought and I'm glad I had it.

Today was my first day at work after a week off and I got lots of "gosh, you've lost so much weight!" comments. Also, one member of my team - totally innocuously - congratulated me for having stuck to it, saying "We all thought you'd give up after a few days!" "You all thought that?" I replied. "Yeah, we all said," she confirmed.

Nor am I sure what to do with that comment.

Anyway, this is what was going through my mind as I watched Dorian Gray, chewing happily on my peanut bar.


Kirsty said...

Hello again
I think you're on to something there. I sit and think do I want to do LL now because it will be xmas soon, but is that just an excuse, will i always somehow sabotage myself.

I've never been thin, but i want to be thinner so i can never use it as an excuse. I want to know the choices i make are because i want to, not just because i'm afraid. I never wanted to go skydiving because i was afraid i wouldn't be able to fit in the jump suits!

The human brain is an insane thing!

Bea said...

Fear is such a powerful thing! I remember having the exact thoughts you describe when I started LL. It's so expensive and I'll only screw it up, etc. etc.

I think it's because I was so afraid that I've been a bit closed-down since I started, and now after 4 solid weeks of sticking to the plan I need to take it as read that I *am* doing okay, and I *should* trust myself to do the right thing.

Fear can be useful but fear of failure is never a good enough reason to *not* do something.

Good luck on LL and keep me posted :)


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