Thursday, 8 October 2009

Week 5 Day 32: the doors of perception

Now, the first thing I wanted to type here was "I've had a crap couple of days" but the LL wizards teach you about "catastrophising" and "black and white thinking", so the truth is I've had some crap elements to the last couple of days, and I'm tired and crotchety.

Yesterday I had a sinus headache all day (crap) but completed a day's work (good). Then I met my best friend for a trip to the cinema (good), but it was *weeing* down outside and I had loads of transport problems getting to the cinema (crap), but I did get there in the end and really enjoyed the film (good). I also managed to drink the requisite amount of water yesterday (good) by taking my water flavours to work and adding them to my bottle (genius!). I tried to get enough sleep last night (good) but was still tired and headachey this morning (crap). But I struggled into work (good) late (crap) but my manager was very understanding (good). In fact it was all I could do to stop myself coming straight home as per her suggestion and going back to bed! But I went in because I had an important meeting to chair today; I chaired it and it went well (good); I managed to have all my packs so far (good), I got lots of work done - and done well (good); I was a little afraid I'd have to leave early because I wasn't feeling well (cra- actually, not crap: just taking care of myself), but I stayed all day (good) and came home at an appropriate time (good). I was tired and crotchety (crap) and pissed-off (crap) and had a mild go at my boyfriend (crap, well, understandable). Normally at this time I'd retreat into a big bowl of pasta or something, but instead I'm watching a favourite DVD and planning an early night.

All of which is too detailed BUT actually shines a different light on the last two days' events rather than how I would have felt about it - and portrayed it - if I'd said "I've had a crap couple of days". Thinking like that colours how you feel about everything. I only wore a light top and a cord jacket to work today - but it was colder than I thought - so I was freezing (and grumpy) for most of the day, and annoyed with myself for choosing the wrong clothes. It was only on the way home that I realised that I couldn't fit into this top or that jacket three weeks ago, and felt entirely different about my clothes choices!

Actually, the thing I was sniping at the boyfriend about was my DVD - being on crutches and working from home anyway, he's home a lot. He was supposed to go out tonight and I was planning on watching my DVD. But he's not going out tonight and didn't want to watch my DVD with me. I got into a "You always watch what you want to - why can't I watch my stuff for a change?" type argument.

This is perhaps typical of black-and-white thinking. He doesn't always watch what he wants to - it's just that I'm tired and crotchety toniht and wanted to watch my thing. But the thing about DVDs is that you don't have to watch the entire thing in one go. So I watched my DVD until he finished work (he finishes about 1.5hrs after I come home normally). Now I've stopped watching it, he's having his dinner, then we'll watch something we both enjoy, I'll have an early night, then watch the rest of my DVD tomorrow.

So not as black and white as all that.

Another thing I've been feeling slightly snippy about are the attitudes of my workmates - a couple of them have been a bit dismissive of my diet, and I've been annoyed that they've "all" been unsupportive. But the truth is that most of them have been really complimentary (including my manager) and supoportive - and - one of them has told me she's thinking of doing LL after seeing how I'm dealing with it, plus another told me how much she admired me as she's been battling with her weight all her life. So a very different picture to the grumpy one I was building.

And while I was feeling grumpy I also got annoyed with myself, thinknig "I should never have told my workmates about this diet - if I was really strong and had any self-respect I would have kept it to myself - this is just like me- I always need validation." Which is all tosh - I told them because I thought they'd notice my weight loss and strange space food, and because... wel, I'm trying to be more open about things, not hide them away. And maybe if I had had more self-respect I could have kept itto myself, but baby steps. I did the best in the circumstances (besides which I think we'll have to accept the fact that I haven't been really strong - if I was really strong I wouldn't have overeaten in the first place! Or maybe, even more honestly, I have been really strong, but I've been pouring my strength into other things - like my career, and stuff - and I'm only now applying that to my weight loss).

I really need to give myself a fucking break.

So today I've
  1. Braved a headache to go into work
  2. Done some really good and useful work
  3. Had a few insights about my behaviour and (to some degree) changed my outlook to a slightly more objective view.
Which isn't too bad. Now I'm off to enjoy my relaxing evening.


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