Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Week 6 Day 37

So. Size 12 skinny jeans.

Yesterday I was feeling very self-conscious wandering around the office in some size 14 skinny jeans that I was literally lost in. I had them bunched and hoisted around my waist with a tightly done-up belt, but I really looked as though I was wearing my big sister's clothes (and I don't have a big sister). The weird thing is this was one pair of 3 jeans I'd bought a while ago but not worn, because they were too small for me. And now they were unflatteringly big for me! Which was both a cloud and a silver lining.

So on the way home yesterday I popped into New Look and picked up a pair of size 12 jeans (£10! And really nice! get ye down there!) so I'd have "something to aim for". Of course as soon as I got home I rushed upstairs and tried them on. AND THEY FITTED.



Just to clarify:
  • I'm about 5'. So size 12 for me is like size 16 for a normal sized person.
  • I've been having small losses week on week, and have only just crossed the FIRST STONE mark.
  • I haven't fitted into a size 12 for about FIVE YEARS. Before I started LL I was challenging the borders of size 14, and about to make the unhappy jump up to a 16.
  • They not only fitted, they looked NICE! NICE! I didn't look like a pair of sausages stuffed into doll's clothes.
  • I also have these boots - long boots I've been saving. I have felt the size of a big stuffed sausage for some time now, but I suppose I was (theoretically) determined to lose weight by Christmas, because I've been coveting these boots for ages - but didn't want to wear them while "fat" (also wasn't entirely sure I could squeeze my calves into 'em). 
ANYWAY. I asked Boyfriend to buy them for me for Christmas, but to KEEP THEM FROM ME until I'd lost weight.

So last night, in my skinny size 12 jeans, I dug them out and put them on (they look great! And fitted!) then pranced around in a selection of jumpers for Boyfriend to pass judgement. He was very amused and really impressed (he is famously, er, conservative with compliments). He used words like "dramatically slimmer" and "don't look overweight at all", which was really great.

Today I wore my skinny jeans and long boots to work. Being skinny, they are constricting and I think I mistook this for "tight" and panicked. So my size 14s came along in a bag with me!  But I didn't need them - the jeans fit fine, but it did throw up a new thing I've been noticing, which has been doing my head in....

Male attention.

I'm quite pretty. I feel very squirmy and want to hide under the sofa saying this, but it's true. I'm not boasting - and I'm not hugely pretty - I see plenty of women every day who outstrip me in physical beauty on an almost hourly basis! But I am quite pretty, and since I've put on weight I really haven't missed the male attention I used to get.

Now I'm skinnifying it's sort of started again (particularly noticeable today while I've been slinking around in my boots and skinny jeans) and I'm not sure how to respond to it. One the one hand I panic, because I just assume I'm walking around with snot on my face, a boob hanging out, or my fly undone. But (I don't think!) that's the case. Yesterday I got a wolf whistle. Today I noticed boys (cute boys! And not just scary middle-aged sleazes, who always gave me unwanted attention when I was very overweight with a rack to match) checking me out in the street. Several builders gave me the once-over when I popped out for a cigarette at lunchtime. And on the way home I popped into Boots and the young man at the pharmacy section flirted with me!

I can't say it's not pleasant. It is. What's not to like about cute boys thinking you're hot?! But the truth is I miss my invisibility. Being overweight made people's eyes slip over me in the street. Now I feel watched. I feel conspicuous.

I think I'm worried about being "attractive" again - when I was skinny I could never accept that I was attractive (I thought I was hideous) but over the years, as an overweight person, I have been able to look at my appearance more objectively. Anyway, that sort of made all the negative things that come with prettiness even harder to bear - people judging you by your appearance, male attention (don't get me wrong - when cute boys and people I'm attracted to find me attractive, it's great! It's just very perturbing otherwise), other girls' wariness and competitiveness, etc. etc. etc.

So far, so "don't hate me because I'm beautiful". But the fact is there are benefits to being overweight if you have a tendency to avoidance. Going from overweight and invisible to male-attracty in a few weeks is a bit of a mind-bender. And I'm not sure how to deal with it.

In other news, I went home to see my mother at the weekend - she made me promise to email her the week-on-week allowed-foods list when I start RTM, so she can cook me yummy allowed food when I see her! I'm also pilfering some family recipes of my favourite foods from her, too.

To celebrate my stone's loss I've treated myself to a pot of Creme de la Mer and am going to pick up some guitar strings for my favourite guitar on Friday, so that I can play some music over the weekend.

Tomorrow I'm sleeping over at my bezzie mate's, and on Thursday I'm having a coffee with the friend who inspired me to do LL - she seems really curious to see what I look like now! So I won't update until Thursday or Friday.

Have a good few days :)


I think the thing is, *I* don't place much value on prettiness. I mean, sometimes you'll be just walking around and you'll see someone who's stunning - and that's always nice to see. But I don't really give a crap about who's pretty and who's not. Especially with those people - you know the ones - who are really attractive, then you start talking to them and within seconds you've forgotten how attractive they look because they're so boring/horrible/narcissistic etc. But that's what really important - yes, I look okay, but I'm also a nice and interesting person. That's what's important to me, and that's what I look for in other people. So I'll just take the pretty-attention stuff as a compliment, but I'll try not to let it colour how I deal with people (in particular running away from people/situations for fear of being looked at!).


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