Sunday, 1 November 2009

Week 7 Day 56

Hurrah! I'm in a buoyant tonight, for a change. My reasons are 3:

1. I FINALLYgot a list of all my weekly losses from my LLC. 
I lost my record book way back in week 2, and since then I've been peering over my LLC's shoulder when she weighs me then trying to remember what she said. The good thing is that, although my losses have been small, they haven't been that bad. In total I've lost 22lbs, making that a weekly average of 3.1lbs so far. I have 6 weeks left on the programme, and using my average to date I should lose another 18lbs, which should leave me only 2lbs over my goal weight, and I could lose that during my condensed RTM in December.

2. I realised I can revise my goal weight, and Christmas dinner isn't cheating. Necessarily.
If I don't hit 42lbs by the first week of December, I can still go into RTM, because I'll at least be in my healthy weight range by then. Then I can come back at some other point - either after Christmas or after my US holiday in February (did I mention I'd booked a holiday? SO EXCITED...) and lose the rest on Lighter Life Light. It's a flexible plan, and I can always go back to group sessions to help me through Management. I think I'll find these really helpful while navigating the muddy waters of weight management.

Plus, a lady in my group ate this week. She's a very nice lady, very calm and well-balanced. She told us about this very calmly, and I thought our LLC would give her a bollocking. But she didn't! She just asked whether the lady had eaten in her "adult" ego state, or if it had been an emotional reaction. And it turned out the lady had always known she was going to eat on this day - because it was her and her husband's 20th wedding anniversary, and they went out for dinner. She didn't eat a lot, she did it to keep her husband company, and she made up for it with an extra gym session later that week. Our LLC was very impressed - she said she couldn't endorse cheating, but if you were going to cheat, this was the best way to do it.

Now, I'm hoping that by Christmas I'll be far enough along RTM that Christmas lunch won't be an issue. But I really want to have Christmas lunch. I can handle being on RTM in December, and not nibbling or drinking in the run-up to Christmas, but not having Christmas lunch would break my heart. I was vegetarian until last year, and last year I cooked my FIRST EVER CHRISTMAS LUNCH with all the trimmings. I was so proud and it was gorgeous. I love Christmas, and would be very upset if I couldn't have my lunch and glass of champagne - my boyfriend and I always spend Christmas Day together, without our families and all the hassle (that's for Boxing Day!), and Christmas lunch is something we both look forward to. And what the lady said made me realise I could, as long as I was careful and didn't slip again.

That's not to say I'm planning to do this - I still maintain that lapsing is a really bad idea. But by that point  I may well be close to the end of RTM anyway. I've been able to handle total abstinence for eight weeks, but the idea of missing Christmas lunch just makes me very sad, and not depriving myself wouldn't be the end of the world if I did it with my "adult" hat on and didn't use it as an excuse to sabotage myself by continuing to lapse. As my LLC says, Christmas is a ritual, and sometimes we can bend the rules a little.

3. I started NaNoWriMo!
I'm taking very slowly because of all the other stuff I've got on, so I'm deliberately only allowing myself to write for short amounts of time per day. Starting is the worst part, but I've done it! It's so freeing because I've had terrible writer's block all year, and even in the short time I was writing today I could feel myself starting to let it go. Doing something just for my own enjoyment is such a strange thing to get used to, but it is such a delicious feeling of freedom when I really let myself do it.

Today I also walked most of the way to my LL meeting - it's about 2 miles away and, as you may know, being overweight I've had real trouble with my ankles when walking. But today there was no pain! And one of the ladies gave me a lift most of the way home, too. I think next Sunday I'll try to be brave and walk the entire way.

I didn't do much for Halloween - my best friend came over last night and we chatted and watched some scary movies - it was a lot of fun. Again, this sort of thing would have been an excuse for us to order "naughty" food, but we had just as much fun without it. Although a little wine would have been nice.

On Friday there were some drinks at work. I ducked out early, mainly because I was tired, but also because I wasn't sure how I'd fare in a situation where I'd normally use alcohol as a social lubricant, and because when you're not drinking, everyone wants to know WHY. I don't think I have a particular problem with alcohol (chance would be a fine thing: I'm such a cheap date that I can get drunk on half a pint), but it does make me wonder how I'll cope at drinky events. Ah well, I'll have plenty of opportunities to practice in the coming month.

Friday was, again, a very stressful day - I made a slight mistake which I couldn't immediately rectify. My manager told me it wasn't a big deal, but I just felt awful, because with better planning I could have avoided it. I was so busy feeling guilty and exposed and embarrassed that I didn't drink quite enough water. I'm still finding it difficult to tell whether it was really as bad as I painted it. Perhaps this is a "crooked thought" I can explore tomorrow evening when I work on my green book.


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