Monday, 14 September 2009

Week 2 Day 8

Today I feel a bit meh. Not sure why, so I'm going to explore it in the form of a bulleted list. This is going to be terribly self-absorbed and boring and I apologise.

Reasons for meh:
  1. The LL honeymoon is over. I've been through the "ooh I'm dying" drama of the first week and the excitement of trying all the different shakes, soups and bars (although there are some left to try) and I know I'm in it for the long, long, long haul.

  2. I woke up this morning with a dull pain in the left side of my abdomen, a windy belly and had to make non-urgent but frequent and uncomfortable trips to the loo.

    The whole thing puts a dent in my energy levels which aren't great to begin with. I've had similar symptoms quite a few times over the last few months and I've spent half the day fretting that I've got diverticulosis or Crohn's or something sinister. The thing is, I don't have any real sinister symptoms, and long ago I was diagnosed with stress-related IBS. And I do suffer with stress. A lot.

    The truth of it is probably that I had an upset tummy last week and I'm not completely over it because I have IBS; the diet is new, my stomach is adjusting to it (and will take some time because, duh, I have IBS) and having the bars probably doesn't help as I've heard they can cause stomach problems. In fact I had my first bar yesterday and had the stomach problems today, so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what might be up.

    But it's as though I need to find something, anything, to worry about. Yesterday and the day before I was worried that I'd put all the weight back on once I finished the diet and ate a potato. Then I asked around on various forums and was reassured. Now I've found this to worry about.

    In fact, my Adult head is saying okay, it's probably the bars, let's leave them for a few days and see how the tummy does. My child is saying BUT I HAVEN'T TRIED ALL OF THEM AND I WANT TO. And my critical parent (maybe) is feeling put out because I WORKED OUT A SYSTEM FOR THIS WEEK DAMNIT (porridge and bars at work, in order to avoid being Conspicuous Diet Girl). Ugh. So my adult head is saying okay, put the bars to one side and just have porridge and soup at work, and if the tummy problems continue let's see a doctor. So let's do that then. I guess. Although it sounds all too sensible and balanced if you ask me.

  3. I only lost 4lbs this first week. I KNOW I KNOW. If I were on WeightWatchers or something it would be a massive coup. It's just that other (admittedly taller and heavier) women have had enormous losses at their pop-ins, then further gigantic losses on their first week, whereas I lost 3.4lbs and then a dizzying 0.4lbs at my first week weigh-in. I'm afraid that I've somehow done something wrong and that I'm not in ketosis anymore. I'm worried I won't see anymore losses. After the initial excitement of clothes feeling looser, they sort of feel the same now (although I think my stomach is a bit bloated with all the nastiness). I look in the mirror and it's the same. And I can't imagine it ever being any different.

    And I fret that I'll have to keep taking Imodium and that'll slow down my weight loss. Even though when I asked the locum she said it makes no difference; it might not show on the scales initially but you are burning the fat: you can't help but burn the fat. If you're in ketosis.

    And so of course now I'm privately wondering if the actual tablet content is taking me out of ketosis, or maybe I blacked out and ate something and don't remember, and just in case you're wondering whether this is all actually based in fact let me remind you that MY KETOSIS PEE STICK WAS PALE PINK YESTERDAY.

    It's all foundless blather.

    Maybe it's my internal chatterbox thingy trying to discourage me from following the diet (I have in the last hour or so started wondering if it's medically unsound and will kill me). Good lord I really need to shut up.

  4. It is my best friend's birthday. She is abroad with another close friend, having a whale of a time. This time last year we were all together, abroad, having a whale of a time. I honestly don't get this emotional but I feel like I could cry, because I feel left out (even though there are perfect reasons why I'm not there) and left behind and all sorts of self-pity crap.

  5. I'm not experiencing the "woohoo!" boundless energy other people have reported. I hope I'm not one of the sickly ones who look all pale and drawn and tired throughout the diet.

  6. Everything lately has been about LighterLife. Researching it before I started, the newness of it, going to the meetings, talking about it in forums, worrying about it. I actually want to tell it to fuck off for a bit. Not to stop doing it, but to stop thinking about it, by Christ, there are other things in life.

  7. I had a few revelations at the LL meeting yesterday about who I am, and what I do, and whether or not I'm betraying myself with my actions. And it's made me a bit withdrawn and thinky.
Well, there you go.

On the plus side (assuming you've stuck with me so far) today was my first full, busy day on LL. I went to my pre-work appointment, went through a long, busy and stressful work day, completed lots of work of (I hope) quality, and ran around the building, up and down stairs etc. And although I'm not feeling brilliant today, I didn't feel hungry (emptyish when it was coming up to food pack time), and though I had this pervasive tiredness I didn't feel faint or ill.

And my attitude to food is funny now. My colleague was eating a lovely fat baguette full of meaty and salady things next to me at lunch. And it smelled attractive, and I looked at it and felt sort of contemplative and melancholy. As though I were an old man looking at a young woman who reminded me of my wife who died many years ago. Or something.

I guess the point is I didn't feel deprived, or want to whip it from her hands and swallow it whole. How much of that is down to LL or just the fact that I'm a bit bilious today, I don't know.

Today I have had:

  1. Hot chocobanana before I left the house. Too hot! I am not good at making things that aren't coffee before 7am.
  2. Porridge at work: an extra sweetener and taking it out of the microwave to give it a good stir every 30 seconds makes it a lot more palatable.
  3. Toffee bar. Curried vomit in a yogurty aspartame shell. I think I even vomited a little of it back up in my throat later, and it tasted the same. There is no misery like suspecting that something is upsetting your stomach and then having to eat another one because you've nothing else. Bleh.
I think I'll go and do some non-LL stuff. Mainly lying on the sofa at this point, but I may progress to non-LL conversation with the boyfriend or even something like piano practice. However I suspect an early night is more on the cards. But I may take a book.


Post a Comment