Saturday, 3 October 2009

Week 4 day 27

So it turns out that all I felt like doing today (honestly, I checked) was curl up on the sofa in my slipper-boots, watch rubbish TV and mess around on the internet.

I often do this when I'm stressed - avoid phonecalls, keep myself to myself... comfort eat. What I realised today is - on a day like today, when I'm tired and have period pains - it's the perfect antidote. Obviously I didn't comfort eat though. The point is I'm not terribly good at relaxing: today there has been a little too much messing around on the internet over lounging in itself, but I'm learning.

However I don't think it's always healing, although it's always the behaviour I revert to. Today, yes. Tomorrow I will also take it easy but will get some stuff done too, not just admin/housework but, as I said yesterday, something I really want to do.

Apart from half a chocolate shake and half a banana shake, all I have left are soups. I really am not feeling the soups anymore - had to gag two down this afternoon. And yet I found myself working out my list of packs for tomorrow (LL meeting day), and included soups! Even though I hate them at the moment! So I've amended my order to include porridge, chocolate and banana shakes, and one of my favourite bars every day - and I found I still felt guilty!

Why should I feel guilty for having the things I like? It just feels selfish and greedy. And yet if someone else had the same problem I'd advise them to get their favourite packs without thinking. This diet is hard enough without having to choke down things that make you want to vomit.

I'm sure this is part of the behaviour that leads me to overeat - I spend 99% of my time thinking I need to give myself a hard time over everything, and at some point I crack and aggressively give myself treats! 99% punishment, 1% treats.

Now - and this is quite exciting - I'm going to turn off the computer and change position (by a full 45 degrees!) to spend the rest of the evening reclining, reading, and perhaps a little dozing. Again, even this is making me feel guilty.

Silly brain.


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