Monday, 5 October 2009

Week 5 Day 29

Today was a very blah sort of day: Monday, raining, lots of work to do.

But I'm going to take my LLC's advice and list 3 things I did well today (apologies if that's very boring for you).

  1. I chaired an important meeting first thing this morning (before breakfast and - more impressively - before coffee) and got everyone to a consensus.

  2. I made my porridge and had my bar at work, even though I felt self-conscious as I was sitting at a really crowded bank of desks (we hot-desk at my office) and everyone around me was clearly fascinated by what I was eating.

  3. Even though I was frazzled at the end of the day I remembered to get some cash out for my poor hobbled boyfriend, AND I got him a Double Decker too (I have to not eat chocolate; no one said anything about not buying any).

I did notice a funny brain thing though. This morning I had a physio appointment before work and was late leaving the house. I just made the train I needed to get.... and then the train was delayed, making me slightly late for my appointment.

And you know what I thought?

I thought, "There, you see? That wouldn't have happened if you'd been more organised and left the house on time."

What an odd thing to think. I mean, the train wasn't delayed because I was late. It's not like I clung onto the side of a carriage as it was leaving the platform, waving my knickers at the driver to get his attention.

The train being late had nothing to do with my being late for the train. But it was delayed and I sort of stood, shoulders hunched and a bit guilty and miserable, throughout the long (looooong, frequently stopping for no discernible reason) journey, until I realised that was ridiculous.

I wonder how many other things I blame myself for. When I comfort eat, it's sort of a reaction to a long chain of mixed miseries that have been building up over a number of days (or hours) - things I feel guilty about, things I feel hard done by, things that frighten me, things I just can't think about because they're too big, and the ever-present knowledge that I'm just not being the best that I can be.


Anyway. As I have mentioned, 1.4lbs doesn't seem like a lot. But I had a play around with one of those online weight loss simulator thingies, and this is a (shiny, Hollywood) version of me before I started LL:

And this is me now:

Neither of them look "fat" enough to be honest, but I'll keep recording them every 4 weeks or so so you can see the difference.

Off for my second instant-coffee-with-half-a-hot-banana-shake-and-half-a-hot-chocolate shake of the evening. Again, I feel a bit guilty and naughty for having a nice hot drink that I like rather than a horrid soup I can barely gag down.

Why are our brains so stupid?

Tomorrow will be a challenge: I'll be seeing a friend I haven't seen in a while; someone who doesn't know I'm on a diet, and someone I don't really want to tell about LL. It's too personal (she writes, on her public INTERNET WEBLOG). I'm not very good at keeping things under wraps. When I try to keep a secret I always seem to talk about it in a way that suggests "ASK ME ASK ME ASK ME". I'm not sure why. I guess I figure my wanting to keep a lid on things isn't as important as their wanting to know.

Maybe it's a self-sabotage thing, too. Or a test. I just don't want to tell people about LL. It takes a very strong person to smile enigmatically and just say "I'm eating healthily" (and an even stronger one to deal with all those "but didn't that woman die on this diet? this is insanity! Stop it immediately!" type comments.

Maybe the point is NOT to smile enigmatically, and just to move the conversation along. Or just not mention it. I'm allowed to have secrets, but I don't have to tell anyone else it's a secret. Or even that I have one. It's about bloody time I did something for myself and didn't "give up my goods" for the sake of other people's gossip.

Ooh I'm angry now. Angry with my friend! And I haven't even talked to her yet.

Well. We'll see how I do. I'll report back.


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