Tuesday, 6 October 2009

Week 5 Day 30

So tonight I had a quick coffee with that friend I've not seen in a while; I was a bit worried about what to say if she mentioned the weight loss.

Only a handful of people know I'm doing LL (including you good people) because I just don't want to get into a conversation about it. I don't think I want people to know that I'm even uncomfortable with my weight, never mind that I've committed to a drastic weight loss programme to deal with it.

A lot of this is undoubtedly low self-esteem and a desire to be seen as perfect, etc., etc., at work, but some of it is just the plain fact that it's no one else's business. And, with lots of people telling me how different I look even after losing only 11lbs, I didn't know that well how I'd react to someone I didn't know commenting on it (the friend in question is more of a friendly acquaintance than a true true friend - not because she's horrible, but because we haven't had enough of those trials and tribulations that form and solidify friendships).

And we all know that, especially if you're a woman, the conversation doesn't end at a simple declaration of "I'm on a diet." It's all "ooh, which one?" and "how are you finding it?" and the ubiquitous "but you don't even need to diet" (that's been said to me and I'm not at all sure how it was meant, but I wanted to punch the person that said it. When you're three stone or more overweight, you do need to diet. So shut up. I'm sure this is an extreme reaction to something that was meant to be kind, but to me it just feels patronising.

Clearly I'm touchy about this subject.

So all through my work day I wondered what to say, and tried to come up with strategies. These ranged from complete denial ("What weight?") to the vague ("Oh I suppose I've been so busy lately that I've forgotten to eat here and there") and back to denial ("I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT").

But I needn't have worried.

She didn't notice.

I could have been stark naked and she wouldn't have noticed.

We hadn't scheduled much time to meet (literally a quick coffee); I was late, and she had a lot of her own stuff going on, which was the main topic of conversation. I know, I worked hard to keep it that way; every time there was a nanosecond's lull in the conversation and I'd notice her gaze drifting over my diminished chest and so forth, I just asked another question about her situation and off she'd launch, and then it was time to go.

So there you go. If you don't want to talk about it, be late and ensure that the other person has a lot to fill you in on. Easy peasy.

So what three things have I done well today?

1. I attended another meeting, this one was about something I did which apparently pissed some other people off initially (but it was the right thing to do). Essentially some people weren't happy with some action I'd taken. Normally I'd approach these in a dragging-my-heels, oh-crap-I'm-going-to-get-a-bollocking sort of way (even if, as in this instance, I was in the right). But for some reason I decided no, I was in the right, so I didn't attend the meeting as subserviantly as I might have done before. I was assertive and relaxed and made my points, and it was all very amicable and adult and reasonable. I moved it along to some positive actions for the future (rather than harping on about the thing I did), and wasn't afraid to argue my points when the others attempted to push me in another direction. Essentially I was assertive. Not because I'm skinnier than I was so it's time to be assertive. It just felt right. But I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to follow it through before I started LL. Hm. Is confidence a side effect of LL?

2. I didn't cancel on my friend. There's a large part of me that wanted to, that wants to hide away from every social interaction until I've lost all the weight, but that would raise even MORE questions and I refuse to just become a hermit, so I saw my friend and it wasn't that bad at all.

3. I owned up to some of my talents, and pimped myself a bit at work today. Without putting myself down or anything. I accepted that I'm good at some stuff and I actually told some people about it.

All of which is rather healthy and positive and KNACKERING, so I'm off to the sofa for a well-earned evening in front of the TV.


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