Week 12 Day 83: My first LLL meeting

So, as you know, I did a lot ofworrying about and deliberating over what to do with Christmas coming up.

Actually, I'm quite proud: my normal tendency would be to worry and worry at it, the same bit of it, coming back and back to it in a vaguely obsessive/compulsive way. Don't get me wrong, I did a bit of this - but then I wrote out my thoughts and feelings in emails to my best friend, who's very good at picking apart the why of things - and the particular why I was worried about was the this-is-just-an-excuse-to-eat why - and to my friend who completed LLL, as you saw below.

And after I sent the emails, I tried to let it go. Think about something else (work, specifically, as that's where I was). This was a mixed success, but it wasn't a failure, so I'm okay with it. Bit of practice, that's all I need. Let's hope I don't have to make too many big life-changing decisions like this too close together.

Anyway. Considering that all this thinky stuff went on over some days, actually joining LLL was a very quick process: I called my LLC, I went to my pop-in and stayed for the LLL meeting, got my book, chose my 21 foodpacks (21 foodpacks! Not 28! And it's £45 per week rather than £67!), and then I was a fully paid-up member of the club!

I was really nervous about meeting the others in my group - cheaty and all as the remaining women in my abstinence group were (oh, did I mention THEY ALL CHEATED?! They were lovely, unutterably lovely and gorgeous women, who kindly gave me lifts home and stuff, but they blithely admitted to me - not our LLC - that they cheated relatively regularly. One woman always put broccoli in her soup. I mean for god's sake, if you're going to cheat, have a cake or something. Have some fucking respect for the process. They all cheated for their individual reasons: one woman had laryngitis and took throat sweets so I've sort of let her off, but still. I was the only one in my group who was completely abstinent, and I lost the least. It sort of demotivated me and made me lose trust - not in the programme - but certainly of baring my heart and soul in group).

Anyway, as deeply flawed as they all were (and obviously I am pure as the driven snow myself), I knew them. And now I had to get to know another group of people who had been together since September...

But it was okay. I was sitting there tensely twisting my crossed legs around each other (which I suppose shows you how much weight I've lost) and feeling shy, but it was okay. One other lady was new, moving to LLL from abstinence (which is now apparently called Lighter Life Total, which sounds like a Spanish imported product to me, but anyway), and two of them were about twenty minutes late and got a bollocking from the LLL, and so we all bonded a little by staring at the floor in horror.

Then we talked about how we look after our bodies. "Oh crap," I thought, because I barely look after mine at all. We had to imagine that someone else was moving into our body for a week, and that we had to leave them instructions. Here are mine:

1. Give it some coffee every morning before you leave the house or you'll miss your stop.*
2. Shower daily.*
3. Use all the hair products provided to avoid frizz.*
4. Try to let it sleep for 8 hours a night.
5. If the head hurts, put it to bed.
6. Do the physio's stretching exercises daily.
7. A long bath once a week would be nice.
8. Do not put it in high heels or it will fall over.*
9. Keep it hydrated.*
10. Apply body lotion daily to avoid wrinkles.
11. Walk it to work in the morning, and walk it back afterwards, despite its protestations.
12. It is fond of its jumpers, soft leggings and Ugg boots, so wear those when at home.*

The asterisks are for the next question our LLC asked - how many of these do we actually do ourselves?

Well, I throw my body in the shower, I moisturise and de-fuzz it and straighten its hair most days, to make sure it's acceptable to the outside world. I suppose I do just enough so that I can keep a job, and so that people in the street don't back away from me in horror, and that my friends don't ask me gently if I've heard of moustache waxing for ladies.

But I don't actually do that much to care for myself. And that was our LLC's third question: how do you care for yourself? Other people's responses were very sensible: I allow myself to sit down and watch rubbish on TV; I meditate; I take the dogs for a walk; I have a spa day, etc.

I don't take care of myself. I take anti-care of myself.

I don't really pay attention when it's tired or has a headache or anything (or, poignantly, when it says "But I don't WANT it to be Pizza Night!"). The only things I really do are buy FAR TOO MANY CLOTHES TOO OFTEN, and feed it treats. The number of times I've gone ahead and held Secret Pizza Night even when my body has been craving a nice salad or, more accurately, a big mug of tea, some toast and an incredibly early night.

I know that when I get a migraine I should go straight to bed. Medicine, lights off, lie still until the throbbing slows and you fall asleep. I know that if I do this I'll feel at least marginally better when I wake up. So why do I so often find myself rubbing my head, feeling nauseous and just awful, IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION?

Also, whenever I have a massage I get a migraine. Every single time. I love massages - when I've been stressed I've thought "I know, I'll book a massage". So I do, and I really enjoy it, but a lot of it really hurts and I worry that I'll get a migraine afterwards.

My physiotherapist explained to me gently that it was because when I'm tense the joints in my back sieze up, and the muscles around them go into spasm to protect them. So when a masseuse eases out all the knots in my muscles, there's nothing left to protect the joint, and that causes the migraine. I nodded wisely at this and then had lots of spa days.

Recently I saw another physio and he said "There's no reason why you can't ever have a massage - let's just sort your back out first. Have you been doing your exercises?"

No. I hadn't.

"Have you been getting headaches and migraines?"

Yes, loads. But I hadn't been doing my exercises. Or going to the physio that often. Even though I know that if I do the exercises, I'll have fewer headaches and migraines. I just don't know why I don't do it: there always seems to be something more interesting to do. It just doesn't seem important.

Another thing I realised during the meeting: before I lived in London - when I was a skinny minnie - I used to do two things:

1. Pizza night (not SECRET pizza night, please note) - one night a month I'd get myself a pepperoni pizza, DVD and tub of ice cream and just have a quiet evening. I could never finish the pizza or the ice cream, but it was nice.
2. Once a week I'd put on my favourite pyjamas, make a pint of tea (and maybe a hot water bottle) and take myself to bed with a favourite book ridiculously early. Like 6pm or something. I loved it - particularly if it was raining out. I'd look forward to it all day, and it was a private treat. I'd probably read for a couple of hours then drift off about 8pm, and I'm sure I felt really rested for the rest of the week.

I don't do those things any more. Pizza Night has morphed into the self-punishing routine that is Secret Pizza Night, and I haven't even considered the early night thing for years. I suppose I moved to London and thought it was an unsophisticated way to relax; I should probably be unwinding with a Martini and some retail therapy or something. And I moved in with my BF and I guess I didn't want him to think I was weird.

Maybe it's time to readdress that. I mean, a very early night is possibly less weird than the sadomasochism of a painful massage that gives you a migraine.

Week 9 Day 68

Today hasn't gone so well. Well, it hasn't gone brilliantly. But it's interesting because I think I've caught myself in the middle of a self-sabotage. I haven't got to the part where I'd normally sabotage myself with food yet, but it's interesting to see what's going on right now.

Basically, I was poorly yesterday. On Wednesday night I came down with a massive migraine while at the cinema, which was a bit galling. And then I suffered through the Tube ride home - really, it was horrible. My head pounding and the feeling of a vice on my skull, and the increasing feeling that I was going to throw up, and feeling faint, and my home stop soooooooooo far away.

I got home, took some migraine medicine, threw up and then took to my bed at something like 9pm. I was pretty upset about throwing up, too - I hadn't done that yet on LL - and I'm ingesting few calories as it is!

On Thursday I took the day off sick, and then tried to get up and be productive (why?!), only to feel even worse and eventually retire to bed again and more migraine medication. I slept for a really long time, and began to feel human again after that. I didn't drink as much water on that day (mainly because I was asleep, and also filling my stomach made me feel very queasy again and I didn't want to vomit again), but I managed to have all my packs somehow.

Today I took as leave. It was planned in advance, and I had hoped to use the day to catch up on my writing for NaNoWriMo (I'm quite behind).

And this is where it gets interesting. Because I'd planned to use the day for writing, I really tried to make it work. Despite the fact that I'm still not feeling that well. My head is still sensitive and my stomach's still not doing exactly what it's supposed to.

But despite this I plonked myself in my study and just told myself to write, write, write, getting more and more frustrated when I couldn't produce many words.

Eventually I "let" myself have a break (not a real break, you understand - I was still working on other stuff, I just did it in front of the TV.

Then I took myself upstairs again to write. And I've produced very little. So I went onto the NaNoWriMo forums to see if I could glean any wisdom and one thread caught my eye. It was entitled "Are you having fun?"

Was I having fun?

Most certainly not. I was still feeling under the weather and tired, and was driving myself to achieve something very strictly, without any reason to feel motivated.

Because I'd planned to do this, I wasn't letting myself get out of it. I'd just got myself into a very negative mental state ("You MUST do this otherwise you will have FAILED!"), forgetting that:

1. I wouldn't treat anyone else like this, certainly not if they were just recovering from a horrid migraine. I'd give them cups of tea and make them lie down and read their favourite books, watch something that made them laugh. I'd encourage NAPPING. I wouldn't lock them in a room and make them perform.

2. NaNoWriMo is a hobby. It's meant to be fun. Obviously it's hard to write 2000 words a day, but the idea is that you live in your story and have fun telling it. My internal critic has just been going "Oh god that's SHIT, what are you thinking?" every time I try to write. No wonder I haven't enjoyed it.

Now, as I said, I haven't got to the food abuse part yet, but enough of this sort of thing and the "victim" side of me will rebel and eat something bad/do something terribly unwholesome/rebel by fucking up a different part of my life, just for some release.

So I'm not sure what to do now. Whether to call it a day and lie down with a book, or try and find the "fun" in writing. I suspect I'll need to take the former option. It's a strange pickle to be in - you can see what you're doing is wrong, but you don't know how to change it. Yet.

Week 6 Day 42: LL wizardry - more crooked thinking and lifelines

Today only two of us made it into group, so we had our LLC to ourselves. We talked about our weeks, and any crooked thoughts we may have had.

Again, the stuff about male attention really stood out for me - in fact, it's not male attention so much as my appearance is changing, other people are reacting to that, and it's freaking me out. But, although I posted about it on here and seem to have reached a conclusion, I'm still reacting emotionally to that. And when this sort of stuff comes up, I just want to hide from it all - so I have done. I haven't done any of my exercises, haven't posted on here, I've just tried not to think about it.

The truth is that since I've put on weight I've sort of enjoyed being invisible. As an overweight person I could look back on my youth - when I was slim and attractive but thought I was hideous and fat - and think yes, I was attractive. I could do it because I was "safe" now hiding behind my weight.

But you see now I'm approaching being slim and attractive again, all the old fears are being stirred up. When I was slim I had a lot of trouble with jealousy from female friends, male friends suddenly "trying it on", etc. etc. And now I'm returning to the way I looked then I'm worried it's going to happen again. So rather than feel flattered by cute guys in the street giving me the eye, I get all worried. Or I worry that the female friends I love will suddenly drop me when I'm skinny.

But back then I had some really shonky friends! Friends who used me, who always indulged in one-upmanship, and male friends who were, well, male. I've managed to put all that behind me, and it's down to me making the right choices about who I let into my life, not down to me putting on weight.

My situation is very different now; I have really supportive people in my life, and friends who love me for me, whether I'm fat or thin. Some people have got a bit stiff now that I'm approaching attractiveness again, but to be honest they're not people I rate or remember.

But rather than face all this I've squirrelled it away and tried to not think about it at all this week. Also my LLC said "there's nothing wrong with being pretty, why do you keep apologising for it?" which struck a nerve. In the past, my prettiness has made other people feel bad (and I honestly don't know how, because I'M NOT THAT  PRETTY! We're not talking Angelina Jolie here!). But I suppose if people feel like that it's their problem and their insecurity, not mine. I'm not a threat, but if people treat me like one I suppose there's nothing I can do about it.

And in case I was getting carried away with my own prettiness, I was brought sharply down to earth on the way out of my LL meeting by a gaggle of GORGEOUS SUPERMODELS gathered outside for a photoshoot. These women were a million feet tall with figures slimmer than my little finger and cheekbones like razor blades. It's all a question of perception.

The other topic we covered was lifelines. This is where you get a piece of A4 paper, turn it so it's landscape and make a chart:

• On the left axis you list your ages from 0 to now, ascending (0, 5, 10, etc.)
• The next column you split into 3, for underweight, normal weight and overweight
• You mark a cross next to each age for each weight
  
• The final column is for 'events' - here you list every significant thing that happened to per age range when you strayed from normal weight

I've been normal weight for most of my life.  My weight fluctuations were, loosely:

1. 14 - 15: Overweight
2. 21 - 24: Underweight(!)
3. 30+: Overweight

Which is really interesting because if I leave it at that, I can look back at those ages and think yeah, I was having a bad time. But actually listing what happened during those years is eye-opening:

1. 14 - 15: Overweight - crucial family bereavement; problems at school (socially/academically)
   
2. 21 - 24: Underweight(!) - family health problems; money problems; anxiety disorder; unsure about future
   
3. 30+: Overweight - moving to London, launching career, v v stressful job, another bereavement; moving/buying house, realising I was overweight (which in itself is a trigger!)

This helps in two ways.

1. I think I've been carrying around guilt all these years because comfort eating is a "weak" thing to do. But actually looking back and auditing what was happening (which obviously I've outlined very vaguely here) has given me a newfound respect for myself. Loads of rubbish things happened (as I'm sure they happen to everyone) - all in quick succession. Taking it all into account now I'm proud that I just overate and didn't do anything more destructive.
2. In all of these circumstances, I just didn't know what to do. In some cases I was forced into a corner, in others I only perceived that I was in a corner. Either way, I was dealing with a lot of stress and didn't know which way to go. And apparently, when I don't know which way to go, I go in. I retreat to the comfortable and familiar. And I eat. I was dealing with a lot of conflict and stressful people, and I hadn't worked out how to deal with that in the moment. So instead, I hid away. And ate.

So really, I need to work on dealing with people and events in the moment. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to deal with it, but the truth is it's not going to go away just because I pretend it's going away.

And to be honest I like food so much that I'd rather eat for taste than for padding!

[UPDATE]
Obviously, when I was underweight I didn't eat that much. I wasn't anorexic at all, I just was so anxious all the time I literally couldn't get food down my throat. But I did do the rest - avoidance, retreat, all of that. And I firmly believe that if I could have eaten, I'd have overeaten.

Week 5 Day 35: 5th LL meeting; crooked thinking; scale inconsistencies

Just got back from LL group.

According to their scales, I've lost 1.4lbs this week, which mean I've now lost a stone. But according to my scales, this morning I'm 17lbs down from the morning before I started LL - and even the jeans I had trouble getting into before are now at serious risk of falling down.

But I've not been doing very well with water consumption - yesterday I was travelling and barely drank any because I didn't want to be caught out on the train. However, this week I'm really going to make a project of drinking water - and aim to drink and refill my 75cl bottle twice in the morning, twice in the afternoon and once after I'm home. That'll be my project and I'll see if it makes a difference to next Sunday's weigh in.

I'll fill you in on my week later, but I wanted to note what we talked about in group today. Crooked thinking - we looked at this in more depth, according to this template:

1. The event
2. The crooked thought you might have / the balanced thought you could have
3. How you feel given either option
4. Action you might take in either option
5. How you feel once you've completed either action

We were asked to think of something that had happened this week, and apply these rules to it to see what we thought/felt/did, and how we could (or actually did) make it more balanced.

I thought I was doing pretty well in isolating my black/white thinking, but actually something else happened this week that made me feel severely emotional (which I then buried and forgot about, but which influenced my mood for the rest of the week).

So. This isn't at all food related, but as you may or may not know, I do some freelance work on top of my regular job....

EVENT

I learned that a friend of mine - another freelancer - landed a really cool freelance gig.

CROOKED THOUGHTS

"But how! I'm so much better than her!" / "That's really mean and bigheaded of me to think, I'm supposed to be her friend! Why can't I just be happy for her?" / "I'm a rubbish friend and she's always nice to me."/ "I'm so disorganised that I probably wouldn't have landed it anyway" / "She deserves it more than me." / "I'M RUBBISH.' (I have that one a lot)

EMOTIONS

Jealousy / anger / self-loathing / despair.

 

ACTION

Withdrawal. 

Congratulate her in the most sincere way possible then crawl away feeling awful about myself.

 

EMOTIONS

Sad / self-loathing / lack of confidence.

But what we talked about in group is that this was actually about my own lack of confidence when pitching for freelance work. This particular friend is an amazing self-publicist, whereas I try to let my work speak for itself - which, luckily, works quite well at the moment, but I am dreading the day that I have to pitch to someone as I expect I'll get tongue-tied and lose my nerve.

But with all that in mind, my thought process could have gone like this...

EVENT
I learn that my friend has landed a really cool freelance gig.

BALANCED THOUGHT

Gosh, that's impressive. I wonder how she does it. I'm a bit jealous, and this is an area I don't really feel comfortable in. Maybe I should follow up on the freelance stuff I've yet to do (BECAUSE **ALERT ALERT** I HAVE SOME FREELANCE STUFF I'M ALREADY DOING, WHICH I CONVENIENTLY FORGOT ABOUT WHEN I WAS FEELING ALL SELF-LOATHINGY). Maybe I can get some tips on pitching and confidence from my friend.

EMOTIONS

Inspired.

ACTION

I look at my own schedule to see what can be improved, and get some useful advice from my successful friend.

EMOTIONS

Accomplished / hopeful.

This really opened my eyes.

My LLC said "Bea, your default setting is 'I'm rubbish'. All roads lead there - and it's where you're comfortable. But that's not the logical conclusion of every situation. You have a small crooked thought, then it snowballs into bigger and bigger ones so that by the time you're finished you're upset about something to do with yourself (being a rubbish friend) rather than facing and dealing with the thing you were already upset about (being nervous about pitching). It's a clever sabotage trick - but that's all it is. It's not THE TRUTH, and the way to deal with it is to realise when you're having that LITTLE crooked thought and question that before it becomes the big thought."

See? They're all wizards. Wizards, I tell you!

Week 5 Day 32: the doors of perception

Now, the first thing I wanted to type here was "I've had a crap couple of days" but the LL wizards teach you about "catastrophising" and "black and white thinking", so the truth is I've had some crap elements to the last couple of days, and I'm tired and crotchety.

Yesterday I had a sinus headache all day (crap) but completed a day's work (good). Then I met my best friend for a trip to the cinema (good), but it was *weeing* down outside and I had loads of transport problems getting to the cinema (crap), but I did get there in the end and really enjoyed the film (good). I also managed to drink the requisite amount of water yesterday (good) by taking my water flavours to work and adding them to my bottle (genius!). I tried to get enough sleep last night (good) but was still tired and headachey this morning (crap). But I struggled into work (good) late (crap) but my manager was very understanding (good). In fact it was all I could do to stop myself coming straight home as per her suggestion and going back to bed! But I went in because I had an important meeting to chair today; I chaired it and it went well (good); I managed to have all my packs so far (good), I got lots of work done - and done well (good); I was a little afraid I'd have to leave early because I wasn't feeling well (cra- actually, not crap: just taking care of myself), but I stayed all day (good) and came home at an appropriate time (good). I was tired and crotchety (crap) and pissed-off (crap) and had a mild go at my boyfriend (crap, well, understandable). Normally at this time I'd retreat into a big bowl of pasta or something, but instead I'm watching a favourite DVD and planning an early night.

All of which is too detailed BUT actually shines a different light on the last two days' events rather than how I would have felt about it - and portrayed it - if I'd said "I've had a crap couple of days". Thinking like that colours how you feel about everything. I only wore a light top and a cord jacket to work today - but it was colder than I thought - so I was freezing (and grumpy) for most of the day, and annoyed with myself for choosing the wrong clothes. It was only on the way home that I realised that I couldn't fit into this top or that jacket three weeks ago, and felt entirely different about my clothes choices!

Actually, the thing I was sniping at the boyfriend about was my DVD - being on crutches and working from home anyway, he's home a lot. He was supposed to go out tonight and I was planning on watching my DVD. But he's not going out tonight and didn't want to watch my DVD with me. I got into a "You always watch what you want to - why can't I watch my stuff for a change?" type argument.

This is perhaps typical of black-and-white thinking. He doesn't always watch what he wants to - it's just that I'm tired and crotchety toniht and wanted to watch my thing. But the thing about DVDs is that you don't have to watch the entire thing in one go. So I watched my DVD until he finished work (he finishes about 1.5hrs after I come home normally). Now I've stopped watching it, he's having his dinner, then we'll watch something we both enjoy, I'll have an early night, then watch the rest of my DVD tomorrow.

So not as black and white as all that.

Another thing I've been feeling slightly snippy about are the attitudes of my workmates - a couple of them have been a bit dismissive of my diet, and I've been annoyed that they've "all" been unsupportive. But the truth is that most of them have been really complimentary (including my manager) and supoportive - and - one of them has told me she's thinking of doing LL after seeing how I'm dealing with it, plus another told me how much she admired me as she's been battling with her weight all her life. So a very different picture to the grumpy one I was building.

And while I was feeling grumpy I also got annoyed with myself, thinknig "I should never have told my workmates about this diet - if I was really strong and had any self-respect I would have kept it to myself - this is just like me- I always need validation." Which is all tosh - I told them because I thought they'd notice my weight loss and strange space food, and because... wel, I'm trying to be more open about things, not hide them away. And maybe if I had had more self-respect I could have kept itto myself, but baby steps. I did the best in the circumstances (besides which I think we'll have to accept the fact that I haven't been really strong - if I was really strong I wouldn't have overeaten in the first place! Or maybe, even more honestly, I have been really strong, but I've been pouring my strength into other things - like my career, and stuff - and I'm only now applying that to my weight loss).

I really need to give myself a fucking break.

So today I've

1. Braved a headache to go into work
2. Done some really good and useful work
3. Had a few insights about my behaviour and (to some degree) changed my outlook to a slightly more objective view.

Which isn't too bad. Now I'm off to enjoy my relaxing evening.

Week 2 Day 14: 3rd LL meeting

After last week's LL meeting I came away with a great sense of insight and hope: I hadn't lost much but was confident this would mean a bigger loss the following week, and I learned so much about who we are and what motivates us to eat.

Today was different - our regular LLC was back and most of the group was present. I was weighed and it turns out I've lost 3.2lbs.

I was really surprised and a little disappointed - I can see the loss so clearly on myself: I'm lady-shaped, not blob-shaped now, and boobs are smaller, clothes fit better, my neck is slimmer etc. etc. I was actually half-surprised that everyone didn't go "OMG YOU LOOK SO THIN" as soon as I walked in, but most of them have only seen me once before.

But also, thinking about it:

• I may have gone out of ketosis for a day this week (sucrose in tablets)
• I had just had a shake before going to the LL meeting
• I didn't drink nearly enough water (apparently this really affects your loss) for 2 days

And I have now lost half a stone. Which was one of my goals. I get to buy myself a necklace now. Whoopee.

Yeah, I'm just not feeling it. In fact I'm having some tetchy thoughts of the "I would probably lose the same amount on WeightWatchers if I did it" variety (not that I would stick to WeightWatchers of course). It's just that this week seemed so long. Well, it seemed short at the time, but I am thinking of Lighter Life, Lighter Life, bloody Lighter Life all the time. And after all that eating, and all those "ooh look how skinny I am" moments first thing in the morning, I've only lost 3.2 fucking pounds?!

There is also the fact that I am quite short, and shorter people tend to have a slower loss.

But still.

I feel angry and tricked.

Also...

At group today we talked about the different types of psychological hunger, and about behaviour around food. In particular, secret eating. Now I have been blithely going around thinking "Oh, it's just that I overeat at mealtimes, I don't snack all that much and I certainly don't binge", which is only half true.

The truth is that when I was skinny, I would happily say "fuck the world" and treat myself to a DVD, some ice cream and a big fuck-off pizza that I couldn't hope to finish - once a month - and all would be right with the world.

Lately...

One night a week the Boyfriend goes out to indulge his hobby. And on that night, as soon as I get home (no matter what thoughts I've been having about trying a new pasta dish, or just having a hot sandwich or something for dinner) I order a pizza. I then inhale the pizza (all the pizza, because I have a big hoover bag for a stomach now), stuff it in the outside trash so he doesn't see it, and hate myself.

When the Boyfriend gets home and inquires about my dinner, I say "Oh I wasn't hungry". Or I say I had toast. The next day I have stomach problems, bloating, pain, and increased hunger so I never have "that salad to make up for it" that I was planning.

I don't even really like the pizza.

It started as a treat, then got corrupted into a way to punish myself with food.

It was so hard to admit, even to myself. It's secret eating and binge eating. It's food addiction. I'm addicted to food. It sounded like such bullshit in the LL literature but, damn it, it's actually true.

Then a strange thing happened when I got home from group. I arrived home feeling all churned up and unhappy, and realised I was hungry. I was a bit confused as to whether this was psychological hunger, disguised thirst, or actual hunger (I was due my third pack). And it's hard to be objective when you're feeling weak and unhappy and hungry and the food is right there.

This is the conversation that went on in my brain:

Me 1: "I really want a peanut bar. Right now."
Me 2: "Noooo! I'm off work after Tuesday and I bought them specially to have for honey roasted peanuts in the evening as a treat!"
Me 1: "But I want one now.  I really really want one."
Me 2: "But they give me a windy belly! And they make me hungrier. Why not just have a shake and have the peanut bar on Tuesday evening? I have an early morning physio tomorrow and I don't want to go there with a windy belly, and then spend the morning at work on the loo!"
Me 1: "You mean having a peanut bar now would decimate my 'treat' supply and cause me pain and discomfort exactly when I don't need it?"
Me 2: "Yes! It would literally be self-destructive of me to have a peanut bar right now."
Me 1: "Right then, I'm having one."

So I had one. I had it because I was feeling shitty and because I was feeling shitty about myself, and because having the peanut bar would make me feel even shittier.

And now of course the temptation is to continue to sabotage myself by doing something else to make me feel shitty. I could start an argument with Boyfriend just so I'd feel crap about having done it later. I could think about all the weight I haven't lost, and about the woman in my group who lost a stone in 2 weeks. I could look up my exes on Facebook.

But I won't. I'm going to have an enjoyable evening on the sofa. I'm tired of creating bad feeling in reaction to bad feeling, then sublimating it all into a cycle of failure, punishment and excess.

No more. I'm actually an okay person. I don't deserve to beat myself up all the time. I'm fine.

Lightbulb moment: guilt

LL calls little behavioural epiphanies "lightbulb moments". I've been having a few since I started so thought I'd record them.

Earlier I noted that I felt guilty about whatever I put in my mouth; I've since noticed I feel guilty about everything I do. Or don't do. Yesterday I had a little play on my neglected piano. I don't indulge my hobbies like playing music because it never feels like play. I constantly monitor myself for mistakes, and chide myself when I make them. I haven't played properly in years and I want to learn new pieces and relearn old ones but I avoid it because I spend the time telling myself off for my technique, for not taking the time to practice, for not learning the new things and constantly playing the old things.

It is as though my childhood piano teacher is standing over me, having a go at me each time my fingers wibble. He did that a lot. A lot. It was years before I actually realised I was good at playing the piano, and by then all enthusiasm for it had ebbed away because all I got when I tried was grief.

So while I was playing yesterday I deliberately turned off the telling-off voice, and found that I really enjoyed what I was playing, even though it "didn't count" because it was an old piece and I hadn't learned a new one.

I feel guilty about everything. Today I ordered a taxi to take me to my LL meeting and it was horribly late. I had some really unkind thoughts about the taxi woman on the phone (even before the taxi was late) and I felt guilty about that. I still feel guilty. I even had to "own up" to the Boyfriend.

I'm feeling guilty about writing such a long blog post, even though it's my fricking blog and, to be quite honest, this is mainly for me, not you.

As with most things, I think this goes back to my childhood. I was always being told I was up to no good (even when I wasn't). I was quite bright at some subjects and, if I had trouble with other subjects, the teachers used to accuse me of 'troublemaking'. And it seemed the better I did in one class, the more grief I got in another.

When I was a teenager I was, like most teenagers, a little shit. But I was also really unhappy, and being summoned to account for every minute of the day by the adults ("What are you doing over there?" "Why the long face?" "Make yourself useful and help me with X, Y and Z", "You're lazy", etc.) didn't help. I, again, as a lot of teenagers, thought of my household as 'Nazi Germany'.

The point is I've inherited this Critical Parent (hello LL psychology) voice and I'm always telling myself to pull up my socks, that I should do this, I should do that, I should push myself at this because you know what I'm like, I'll never get it done and I'm always making excuses.... Every day is an exercise in failure, and the Critical Voice saps the pleasure from almost everything... hence the guilt.

Week 2 Day 13: lightbulb moments, poppadoms and banana mochaccinos

I'm actually posting this on Day 14. I didn't post yesterday because, by the time there was anything to say I was tetchy with myself for allowing Saturday to turn into a "Nothing Day", and I ended up lurching away from the computer and throwing myself on the sofa to wait out the long hours till bedtime in a vague, mostly subconscious sulk.

NB: By "Nothing Day" I do not mean the sort of day where you lie, glued to the sofa (Derren Brown notwithstanding) watching crap, eating crap, lightly dozing and blissfully ignoring the phone and the household chores. I consider this a wholly venerable activity - everyone needs downtime - and I'm 100% behind it. In theory. The truth is I allow myself one or two days of this a year, and generally only when I have a hangover.

A "Nothing Day", for me, is a day spent dithering. Not achieving and not resting. Neither fish nor fowl. I woke early, dithered about getting up (Boyfriend was still asleep), got up, mooched about disconsolately, then dithered about still feeling tired, so went back to bed, then mentally dithered, couldn't fall asleep and got up again.

Mostly, I worried. I worried about this new getting-up-early-on-a-Saturday malarkey. All my life I've woken early - still tired - and then felt crotchety and vaguely tired and "off" for the rest of the day. In the last few years I have Achieved the Weekend Lie-In. Sometimes till stupid o'clock (11am), and not always when I've been out until the early hours the night before. Boyfriend considers this lazy, but to me it's been a massive coup - actually getting the sleep I need, and bugger the rest of 'em. On Saturday I wondered if it might be weight gain related, and worried that the new, thinner me was going to be a early rising, knackered mimsy again.

Boyfriend had the right idea - he spent most of the day on the sofa with big mugs of tea, the paper and reruns of the US version of The Office. Meanwhile I danced around the house, trying and failing to Achieve Things - admin, various little projects, a little correspondence. Nada. Just kept being distracted by things and thinking about how nice it would be to join the Boyfriend on the sofa.

I did, for a bit, then got bored and felt guilty about not Achieving things and went back to dancing unhappily round the house until evening, when I felt I could legitimately give up the ghost and rejoined him on the sofa.

It occurs to me now that I should have just HAD A NAP. It's basic science: not enough sleep; can't sleep - so sleep later. But I see dithering/tiredness as a sort of personal flaw, so feel the need to beat myself over the head with my failure for a whole day. Pah.

And I've just realised what prompted my feelings of apathy/self loathing.

You know how some people always need something familiar around when they start a new thing? A picture of their family, favourite cardigan, lucky pants, etc.?

When I start a new thing I don't feel at home until I've identified the girl who's like me, but better, and felt bad about myself as a result.

I did it at my first LL meeting ("There you are," I thought when I met her. "We're about the same age, but you seem totally on top of things, and that makes me feel like a caveman in comparison. Nice to meet you").

I've done it at my job. I do it whenever I indulge an interest or try anything new. I look on this person, possibly befriend them, and think about everything they've done and how I come up lamentably short next to this person. To myself I call it making a new friend, or admiring someone, but really it's a ruler to measure myself against, always come up lacking, and feel really shit about, and ultimately hate myself.

Undoubtedly it's rooted in my past somewhere.

But I did it on Saturday morning. I did it on Saturday morning, and that's what spun my day out into a bunch of crap during which I subconsciously berated myself about whatever I happened to be doing (or not doing).

It's horrible. It's self-destructive. It's self-betrayal and so, so negative. But it's familiar. And so I do it again and again.

Hmm. Interesting.

Anyway, I did manage to do 2 things on Day 13:

BANANA MOCHACCINO
I sort of perfected my latte idea (to my tastes anyway)

• 1 espresso
• 1/2 banana pack
• 1/2 chocolate pack
• 2 sweeteners
• 500ml boiling water
• Blend! Blend like there's no tomorrow! Then blend some more.

I also attempted...

CHICKEN SOUP POPPADOM
I know, it even sounds rank:

• Mix a soup pack with 4 tablespoons hot water
• Stir until you get a smooth paste
• Add salt, pepper and tabasco
• Spread it evenly on a dinner plate
• Microwave for 1.5 - 2minutes
• Open the microwave every 20 seconds to let it bubble and settle
• When it's golden, remove it, let it cool, peel off and enjoy.
  

Only a half success I'm afraid - I added too much water so it went all soggy in the middle, so I did it for a further 3 minutes(!) until it was virtually burnt and dried to the plate. And, though Boyfriend mocked me, I did manage to lever it off using a knife when it was cool and it was QUITE PLEASANT.

I might try again tonight.

Week 2 Day 12

Gosh, day 12 already. The first week seemed interminable but this one is vrooming past.

Today was fine - another thinky-work day, got lots done. Energy levels have remained high, and again I had to really force myself to have my first pack (porridge) at lunchtime. Rushed my second pack (mushroom soup) a couple of hours later because I was on my way to a meeting - I didn’t rinse out my mug properly beforehand so my soup was bubbly and tasted distinctly of washing up liquid. Bleurgh.

Today my colleagues went to Carluccio’s for lunch and I didn’t feel a pang of regret. Actually I felt bad for their wallets and their afternoon concentration. Although I listened carefully to what they had - I’ve never been to Carluccio’s and it sounded yummy; I’m mentally making a ‘food list’ of things I’ll want to eat when I’m off the diet. So far I have:

• Albondigas (spicy Argentinian meatballs)
• Something at Carluccio’s
• Something at Chilango’s
• Something at Masala Zone
• Another big pink drink in a goldfish bowl I had with a friend recently which, again, I rushed as we were on our way to dinner.
• Big Mac

Yes, a Big Mac. I’ve never liked them before but yesterday I was craving one. But then again apparently your tastes change when you’re on LL (I hope I still want my beloved lattes when I get off this thing) so we’ll see. It might be all apples and celery but I hope not. I come from a foodie family and I intend to continue enjoying food, just not over EVERYTHING ELSE, and in moderation.

I think I’m losing weight; I keep weighing myself in the mornings - I know it’s bad, and that a morning post-pee weight isn’t true, but the numbers keep going down and that’s good enough for me.

I don’t think my stomach bulges out as much, and I can see some definition in my upper abdomen, around my clavicle and in my arms. At least my arms look more like *arms* now, and not so much like sausages. I have to wear a belt on some roomy jeans which used to fit snugly, and some other skinny jeans (really nice ones: black and faded and felty) which I could barely tug on before fit slightly too tightly now, but at least I can hoik them up and over my thighs and hips without the use of a crane anymore.

The not-feeling-hungry thing is odd. When everyone around me is hustling around trying to score a sandwich I wonder how I’m going to spend my lunchtime. This week I’ve just worked through it, taking my nominal 20 minutes to pop to the loo and put the kettle on. I feel like I’m an alien in disguise. It’s disconcerting but I am enjoying not relying on food.

I get a deep gnawing in my gut and that’s when I know my next pack is due. Hunger for me is generally that feeling, plus a kind of higher-up sensation (I can’t describe it) and, if I leave it too long, a low-blood-sugar faintness and sheen of sweat. But I remember being slim and having this gnawing feeling and thinking “hold up, better eat something soon”. And that, if I left it too long, *did* result in the faint feeling. But not all these sensations together, as they have been for so long. Now when I get the gnawing I feel slightly afraid that the faint feeling is coming, but it doesn’t. It must be a lifestyle with lots of refined sugar thing: is my body resetting its hunger levels now?

One thing I’ve noticed is that I feel guilty every time I put something in my mouth. I’ve just had my third pack (hot chocolate) and I feel guilty. I have found a sweetener-to-cold-water ratio which makes black coffee almost enjoyable, and I feel guilty about that too. I feel guilty about every single thing I eat and drink, and I think I have done for some time. It’s a bit mad.

Other little things, too - I’ve stopped listening to new music, or doing any ‘young person’ things. It’s like I’m not a young person, I’m a fat person, and I’ve put all that behind me.

Last night’s banana mousse wasn’t a huge success - it moussed up just fine (50ml of water, whisk, stick it in freezer for 5 minutes) but it tasted revolting. Now I’m going to try toasting a peanut bar then crumbling it up and adding some salt for “honey roasted peanuts”. I’m also going to drink the fuck out of some fizzy water and water flavours because I’m nowhere near my 3.5litre mark for today.

I was a little pissed off this morning when my skinny black jeans didn’t fit like a dream straight away. But this is the longest I’ve ever stuck with a diet (normally I just think about doing them and that’s exhausting/restrictive enough) AND this is the most weight I’ve lost on a diet. So that’s something.

Ooh, and Kellogg’s honey nut clusters. I’m adding them to the list as they look yummy in the adverts.

Week 2 Day 9

Day 9 has gone almost swimmingly.

With sensible use of hot water bottles (last night), peppermint tea (this morning) and avoidance of all things LL bar-shaped, the stomach aches have subsided.

However, I have been curiously hungry all day. Proper, growly-stomached, weak-and-woozifying, must-eat-now-or-will-faint hungry. I haven't felt like this since I went into ketosis.

I had my morning hot chocolate at about 8 and started feeling hungry at 10ish. But I try to space my packs out every 4 hours, so I hung in there. But by 12 I was starting to feel faint, so I had my porridge. Then I nipped out of the office to run some errands at lunchtime and found I was hungry (hungry hungry, if you get me) and all weak by 2pm! So again I waited and had my soup at 3ish. I got a huge wodge of work done today so I left at 4.30. Now I'm home with the hours stretched before me and only one pack to have left. But I plan to spend the evening on the sofa, so if I faint, at least I won't be uncomfortable....

I had a cup of black Earl Grey day-before-yesterday, and half of one today. And while I was drinking I realised I didn't know if it was allowed on LighterLife. Earl Grey has oil of bergamot and some sort of lemon in it, and I wondered if this had knocked me out of ketosis, causing the hunger.

Which is all very odd as I noticed this morning that my jeans (which I wore yesterday) were looser this morning.

Anyway, rather than fret about it I called my LLC who confirmed that Earl Grey is allowed, but maybe to knock it on the head for now as I might be more sensitive to the citrus content than others. And if I've been knocked out of ketosis it won't be long before I'm on it again.

And I have just done a rather stupid thing. I have just weighed myself on my own scales. And appear to be the same weight I was on Sunday.

ALL OF WHICH MEANS NOTHING. Tomorrow evening I'm popping in to swap my bars for things that won't make pain-spaghetti of my insides, so I'll wee on a stick then and see what's what.

Other than that I've had a grand day - quietly getting through my work in the office, not talking to anyone (yes, I am a hermit) and plugged into Last FM. It's a soggy, grey, rainy day but I like days like these. They make me want to curl up in an armchair by a window and read a book.

And it occurs to me now that whenever the weather's like this I always think "ooh I'd love to curl up in an armchair and read a book" and then proceed to not do so. Ever. I mean, I don't even own an armchair. I probably think this then go and do something the exact opposite of curling up in an armchair with a book.

Like fretting needlessly about Earl Grey and ketosis.

Hm. All right then, I shall go and curl up on the sofa with a book, chug water and normal tea and ride out the hunger pangs, or whatever they are, by splitting my last pack.

This Lighter Life counselling thing is awfully pervasive. I suspect they may all be wizards.

Week 2 Day 8

Today I feel a bit meh. Not sure why, so I'm going to explore it in the form of a bulleted list. This is going to be terribly self-absorbed and boring and I apologise.

Reasons for meh:

1. The LL honeymoon is over. I've been through the "ooh I'm dying" drama of the first week and the excitement of trying all the different shakes, soups and bars (although there are some left to try) and I know I'm in it for the long, long, long haul.
   
   
2. I woke up this morning with a dull pain in the left side of my abdomen, a windy belly and had to make non-urgent but frequent and uncomfortable trips to the loo.
   
   The whole thing puts a dent in my energy levels which aren't great to begin with. I've had similar symptoms quite a few times over the last few months and I've spent half the day fretting that I've got diverticulosis or Crohn's or something sinister. The thing is, I don't have any real sinister symptoms, and long ago I was diagnosed with stress-related IBS. And I do suffer with stress. A lot.
   
   The truth of it is probably that I had an upset tummy last week and I'm not completely over it because I have IBS; the diet is new, my stomach is adjusting to it (and will take some time because, duh, I have IBS) and having the bars probably doesn't help as I've heard they can cause stomach problems. In fact I had my first bar yesterday and had the stomach problems today, so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what might be up.
   
   But it's as though I need to find something, anything, to worry about. Yesterday and the day before I was worried that I'd put all the weight back on once I finished the diet and ate a potato. Then I asked around on various forums and was reassured. Now I've found this to worry about.
   
   In fact, my Adult head is saying okay, it's probably the bars, let's leave them for a few days and see how the tummy does. My child is saying BUT I HAVEN'T TRIED ALL OF THEM AND I WANT TO. And my critical parent (maybe) is feeling put out because I WORKED OUT A SYSTEM FOR THIS WEEK DAMNIT (porridge and bars at work, in order to avoid being Conspicuous Diet Girl). Ugh. So my adult head is saying okay, put the bars to one side and just have porridge and soup at work, and if the tummy problems continue let's see a doctor. So let's do that then. I guess. Although it sounds all too sensible and balanced if you ask me.
   
   
3. I only lost 4lbs this first week. I KNOW I KNOW. If I were on WeightWatchers or something it would be a massive coup. It's just that other (admittedly taller and heavier) women have had enormous losses at their pop-ins, then further gigantic losses on their first week, whereas I lost 3.4lbs and then a dizzying 0.4lbs at my first week weigh-in. I'm afraid that I've somehow done something wrong and that I'm not in ketosis anymore. I'm worried I won't see anymore losses. After the initial excitement of clothes feeling looser, they sort of feel the same now (although I think my stomach is a bit bloated with all the nastiness). I look in the mirror and it's the same. And I can't imagine it ever being any different.
   
   And I fret that I'll have to keep taking Imodium and that'll slow down my weight loss. Even though when I asked the locum she said it makes no difference; it might not show on the scales initially but you are burning the fat: you can't help but burn the fat. If you're in ketosis.
   
   And so of course now I'm privately wondering if the actual tablet content is taking me out of ketosis, or maybe I blacked out and ate something and don't remember, and just in case you're wondering whether this is all actually based in fact let me remind you that MY KETOSIS PEE STICK WAS PALE PINK YESTERDAY.
   
   It's all foundless blather.
   
   Maybe it's my internal chatterbox thingy trying to discourage me from following the diet (I have in the last hour or so started wondering if it's medically unsound and will kill me). Good lord I really need to shut up.
   
   
4. It is my best friend's birthday. She is abroad with another close friend, having a whale of a time. This time last year we were all together, abroad, having a whale of a time. I honestly don't get this emotional but I feel like I could cry, because I feel left out (even though there are perfect reasons why I'm not there) and left behind and all sorts of self-pity crap.
   
   
5. I'm not experiencing the "woohoo!" boundless energy other people have reported. I hope I'm not one of the sickly ones who look all pale and drawn and tired throughout the diet.
   
   
6. Everything lately has been about LighterLife. Researching it before I started, the newness of it, going to the meetings, talking about it in forums, worrying about it. I actually want to tell it to fuck off for a bit. Not to stop doing it, but to stop thinking about it, by Christ, there are other things in life.
   
   
7. I had a few revelations at the LL meeting yesterday about who I am, and what I do, and whether or not I'm betraying myself with my actions. And it's made me a bit withdrawn and thinky.

Well, there you go.

On the plus side (assuming you've stuck with me so far) today was my first full, busy day on LL. I went to my pre-work appointment, went through a long, busy and stressful work day, completed lots of work of (I hope) quality, and ran around the building, up and down stairs etc. And although I'm not feeling brilliant today, I didn't feel hungry (emptyish when it was coming up to food pack time), and though I had this pervasive tiredness I didn't feel faint or ill.

And my attitude to food is funny now. My colleague was eating a lovely fat baguette full of meaty and salady things next to me at lunch. And it smelled attractive, and I looked at it and felt sort of contemplative and melancholy. As though I were an old man looking at a young woman who reminded me of my wife who died many years ago. Or something.

I guess the point is I didn't feel deprived, or want to whip it from her hands and swallow it whole. How much of that is down to LL or just the fact that I'm a bit bilious today, I don't know.

Today I have had:

1. Hot chocobanana before I left the house. Too hot! I am not good at making things that aren't coffee before 7am.
2. Porridge at work: an extra sweetener and taking it out of the microwave to give it a good stir every 30 seconds makes it a lot more palatable.
3. Toffee bar. Curried vomit in a yogurty aspartame shell. I think I even vomited a little of it back up in my throat later, and it tasted the same. There is no misery like suspecting that something is upsetting your stomach and then having to eat another one because you've nothing else. Bleh.

I think I'll go and do some non-LL stuff. Mainly lying on the sofa at this point, but I may progress to non-LL conversation with the boyfriend or even something like piano practice. However I suspect an early night is more on the cards. But I may take a book.

Week 1 Day 7: 2nd LL meeting

The rest of Day 6 went well - I haven't yet experienced many of the OMG FABULOUS AND AMAZING!!!!!! ketosissy bags of energy loads of people on the forums report, but it's early days. And perhaps I'm just not a very OMG!!!! person.

I wasn't hungry at all though, and had to force my last pack (hot chocolate/vanilla - vanilla and I are parting ways now, blech) down myself at bedtime. Today has gone pretty well, too, energy/hunger-wise.

I tried the tomato soup at lunch. I won't be doing that again.

Today I had my second LL meeting. Our LLC was otherwise indisposed today, and when I arrived I could hear the locum in the next room, roundly scolding one of the ladies in my group. Apparently this lady had just turned up to 'pick up my packs and go', and the locum sent her away with a flea in her ear about the importance of attending the counselling sessions, doubting her commitment to Sparklemotion, and so on.

I just sat there, awkwardly flicking through one of the LL magazines and wondering what kind of hell the session would be.

But it was brilliant! Disappointingly, only 2 of the other ladies turned up, but having such a small group made for a really useful session. Today we learned more about ego states, and talked about what makes us eat when we're not hungry, and what is actually going on in our heads when we reach for extra food at the end of a stressful day, say.

Our locum was amazing. She had x-ray eyes! After about half an hour she looked at me and said:

"I think you know exactly what you want. I think you moved to London to do a number of things, but you're hiding from them behind your weight. You're eating instead, worrying about what other people think of you, and you're putting everything else first rather than taking care of yourself."

Which shut me up. She seemed to be spot-on about the other ladies, too.

Talking to her I also realised:

1. When I'm angry, I rebel by eating all the foods I'm not supposed to, because I'm not supposed to.
2. I rarely give myself non-food treats. Despite having 101 interests (my guitar, piano and fiction writing software are languishing under layers of dust), I always revert to food.

And she talked about crooked thinking - for example:

• An event - eg. someone asks you to host a party.
• Crooked thinking - you immediately think you can't do it because you're rubbish.
• Balanced questions - well, what evidence is that that you can't do it? How do you know if you haven't tried?
• Action - accepting the offer.
• Feeling - positive and excited, while being aware of feeling nervous about it too.

So it's not all mumbo-jumbo for fatties. It's about examining how you behave and, rather than beating yourself up for behaving that way (which is, apparently, what the Critical Parent ego state would do), thinking about what's behind that behaviour, and looking at healthier and more productive ways to solve the problem.

It was all really interesting really.

This week I also got a special green book full of info, advice about the diet, psychotherapy techniques and pretty pictures of smiling, sylph-like former heffalumps, and my bars. I have tried the peanut one. It was delicious and it made me hungry.

Which brings us to my weight loss.

Ladies and gentlemen, at my week 1 weigh-in I have lost the staggering....

POINT FOUR OF A POUND.

Yes.

I was feeling physically hungry, I'd just peed on a special stick and it went a bit peach. I wondered whether I'd somehow fallen out of ketosis by sleepwalking to MacDonalds and having a quarterpounder with cheese meal or something (oh my god quarterpounder with cheese meals... but you see, this is exactly the sort of 'treat' I would have maybe once a month when I was slim, and be ecstatic about.... but the sort of thing that in recent years I've had after every big night out. After a while they taste quite samey).

Anyway, no. My pop-in was only 4 days ago, I've stayed on the programme, had a period (sorry, men), an upset tummy (sorry everyone) and had to take Imodium twice (sorry again). The locum says that as long as I've stayed on track I'm losing, and small losses this week mean big losses next week.

Of course I am worried that I'm that one person in a billion trillion whose body gets ketosis wrong and loses no weight at all.

But it's probably more likely that all the factors above plus the fact that I've not settled into a foodpack rhythm just means that my body's holding onto more at the moment.

Ooh, I wanted to note that, although I've been gulping water like a good LLer throughout, yesterday I didn't start drinking until midday. It was purely because I'd left my water bottle upstairs (and I honestly can't think of a lamer excuse) and I had had two large black coffees, but all the same, it's all too easy to fall into the habit of not drinking so I will CUT THAT OUT NOW.

Altogether I'm feeling quite positive about it all. Provided that I haven't put on any weight next week.

Now I'm off to read more of my green book.