Week 12 Day 84: WARNING - SOME FOOD TALK

Well, today I have been roaming around feeling vaguely angry with myself all day for not doing my writing exercises or undertaking The Great Straightening of the Hair (my hair is so thick that this gives me arm-ache and tends to take about an hour), or just - you know, being organised - so let's just have a look at what I have done:

1. I posted honestly on the Minimins forum
I told them about LLL, I told them about wanting to eat over Christmas, I told them about my struggles with this and the motivation for it, and you know what? No one has jumped down my throat yet. In fact everyone has been really nice and supportive, and I'm still welcome to post on the thread despite moving to LLL. Someone may of course start warning me against cheating, which is their right and which I may actually need, but we shall see. But I've got loads of compliments as well, and the general consensus is that I'm making the right decision for myself. Which is lovely. I don't really know why I came clean; I guess we've been in it so far together and these ladies have been SO inspirational. They deserved to know the truth and as far as I know, no one on the boards has gone running for the biscuit tin as a result.

2. I put away all my too-big clothes
Despite the Miracle of the Size 10 Skinny Jeans, I'm still not brave enough to go abseiling into the attic to find my size 10 clothes, but I decided to take the first step and weed out all the clothes that were hopelessly too big from my wardrobe. There's quite a lot as it happens; depressing amounts of trousers that just seem like tents now (I tried the wash-your-jeans-at-60deg-and-they'll-shrink-a-size and it didn't work. Sigh. Aren't most jeans pre-shrunk now anyway?), and tops that I could swim in, plus a few I struggled with - I could probably wear them without looking like I was in my big sister's clothes, but they were just so depressing - that cheap type of thing that's not really your style but will do for now until you're slimmer, except you never are, and you're constantly reminded of this every time you take it out to put it on... Anyway, I got rid of those. No more making do! No more Mrs Nice Bea! Grr! Actually I've put them in a bin bag and stuck them in the attic. I'll probably end up taking them to the charity shop, but I don't want to keep them around. LLL is such a change from LL that I sort of feel like I'm not on the diet anymore (hopefully this is just temporary) and what with the "planned lapses" etc I'm worried that having bigger clothes around could provide a sort of evil safety net. I don't want size 14s or 16s to ever, ever be an option again.


3. I paid all my bills online!
This is a big thing. I was being really good with money and then the weight thing sort of spiralled and I found myself having a "don't look" approach to my bank account. Now I mainly avoid it because the chunk LL takes out of my pay packet is enough to give me a heart attack, but what with all the internal drama and misery of the last couple of weeks I *have* found myself straying and buying lots of trinkets I don't need. I think it's my back-up abuse when I'm not eating. Hm. But today I steeled myself, checked my account, paid my bills and.... well, it's not really that bad. It's not great - I would have a lot more money IF I STOPPED BUYING THINGS, but it's definitely salvageable. And I have enough moolah for Christmas, although some people may be getting potato prints or paper chains for Christmas. Which is no bad thing - I always buy way too extravagant gifts. Money is not love, just like food. Anyway, I didn't realise what a mental burden this had been until, after I'd paid everything, I went skipping round the house singing! So pay your bills! It'll make you happy, apparently.


4. I had my meal
Today it was a fried egg with smoked salmon, mushrooms, tomato and spinach. I wigged out at the cooking part again and had to enlist the boyfriend. Then I got all flustered again so I didn't really eat it until it was cold. I didn't wolf it down this time, I tried to stop and savour the flavour but I need to work a harder at it. I really think now that it is because I'm just so freaked out about it that I want to get it over with as quickly as possible!


5. I had a looooong shower and exfoliated with my favourite product.
Which was nice.

6. I made Christmas cake!
Bloody hell, what a process. Hot kitchen, all the bowls that we own all over the countertops full of raisins and flour and whatnot. I am not the world's most confident baker, but I wanted to make something Christmassy, and I wanted to bake, so I decided on Christmas cake! My mother's not making it this year (and I don't actually like it - but I love the smells) so I took on the job. Again, I was all flustered and got it all a bit wrong; the sugar and eggs and butter sort of curdled a bit, and I already had about ten tons of ingredients weighed out behind me, so I was panicking. It all seemed to work out in the end though; it's baking now, filling the house with lovely smells. If it turns out not to be poisonous I might take it to work as a Christmas present. Can't wait to whack on the marzipan next week! The worst part was zesting a lemon (even the merest hint of lemon on LL and LLL can whack you out of ketosis, it is VERBOTEN) - you know how it gets into your hands. I must have scrubbed them eight times already - I keep thinking I can taste lemon on my lips but it must be my imagination because the twain didn't meet. I'm thinking of making Lebkuchen - those little German iced gingerbread cakes - and sending them to my best friends as Christmas presents, too.

7. I got my clothes ready for the week
This sounds very sad and anal, but I always mean to do this at the weekend, but then I find I just don't want to think about the week and I end up at 6.30 on a Monday morning stomping round the house turning all the lights on, trying to find a sock, and I'm often late (well, later than I'd like) for work.

8. I got my meal ready for tomorrow
My colleagues are DYING to see me eat "proper food" so I'm taking my meal in for lunch tomorrow. Last night I rubbed some basil and a teeny tiny spray of 1 Cal Olive Oil on two chicken breasts and refrigerated them, and today I grilled them. One's gone back in the fridge; the other I shredded and added to a salad (spinach leaves, rocket, watercress, carrots and spring onions with a bit of lemongrass, ginger and garlic powder) with some sort up Parma ham. The amount of protein you have to have on LLL is insane; I'm still not entirely sure I'm doing it right (this morning my scales said I'd PUT ON a pound!) so I'll see how I go. Either way I will eat my lunch SLOOOWWWWWLLLLLYYYY. Even if it turns out that I have an audience.

9. I found a recipe for gingerbread syrup for lattes
And it's a recipe I can de-fattinise by replacing the sugar with Splenda! You can make it and whack it in the fridge for ages, so if I do go over to the dark side at Christmas, at least I won't do it at a full-fat rate... plus I can hang onto it for when I've completed RTM. No more will I have to rely on Starbucks for my gingerbread lattes! I can have them at home (we have an espresso machine)! You have NO IDEA how exciting this is for me. And also I DON'T WANT ONE RIGHT NOW. Which is equally exciting in a different way.

10. I bought a size 10 party dress
IT'S OKAY, IT WAS IN THE SALE. But it's a dress (I've not liked dresses since putting on weight; I've worn exactly TWO in the last 5 years), and a PARTY dress (I've never in my adult life worn one; I always think I'll feel like I'm on Strictly or something). But I also have been saying no to quite a few parties while on LL. I've gone to a lot - but I've also stayed away from a lot. But there's a party in a couple of weeks I'd like to go to, and I'd like to go to it in this size 10 party dress. I'm still convinced that it'll be like squeezing an elephant into a condom - not because I'm planning to eat and therefore won't be a size 10 - but because I'm still attributing the Miracle of the Size 10 Skinny Jeans to some sort of fault or anomaly. I will report back re this.

So I've done quite a lot really. And writing? Well, what's this then?!

Until next time....

Week 12 Day 83: eating again and the weirdness of it all

WARNING: FOOD TALK

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On Thursday night, while I was sitting at LL HQ waiting for my first ever LLL meeting to start, I was flipping through the little book you get when on LLL. Obviously, as there's a meal involved, what and how you eat is a bit more complicated than the full abstinence programme. There's a whole list of allowed proteins, vegetables, fats and oils, dairy and condiments, and vegetables. I read the list (so much of this, point zero seven of this, beans but not baked beans, this but not that, that but not that) and my mind spun.

Helpfully they also have recipes to start you off. One of them was for mushrooms, scrambled eggs(!!!) and bacon(!!!!). At this point I hadn't had my final pack and I immediately performed a mental inventory of the fridge. Now, I have become deacquainted with our fridge of late - given that I could have precisely nothing in it - but I was pretty sure we had eggs, bacon and mushrooms. I was so excited!

Of course the meeting was a late one so I got home at about 10, when thoughts of bacon and eggs are the furthest from even my little food-obsessed mind. So I made do with a milky coffee.

I was far more excited about this. The lack of milky coffees has been my largest burden while on abstinence - I have discovered a tolerance for black coffee, and I do love my banana lattes (I'm drinking one right now), but as far as I'm concerned milky coffees are Where it's At. The only time I've come close to wobbling in abstinence was when I almost ordered a gingerbread latte at Starbucks rather than a black Americano.

[NB: But kids, it's not worth it. It was a struggle in the moment but in 10 minutes I'd forgotten all about my gingerbread latte lust. That's the thing about abstinence and cravings: if you're in ketosis your hunger is blunted, so if you're tempted just mentally time-travel ten, fifteen minutes into the future. No matter how bad your craving is right now, you might be sweating and salivating and thinking you'll die if you don't have that thing, but just a few minutes from now you'll be thinking about something else, I guarantee it.]

Anyway, so I made a milky coffee (I even did the 'milky coffee' dance while the kettle boiled and my boyfriend called me a loser) in my favourite spotty mug, and took it through to the living room to drink while eating my peanut bar.

And it was....

Weird. Firstly the milk tasted off - it was a fresh thing of skimmed milk; I only drink skimmed anyway. I had my boyfriend go into the kitchen and check, but the milk smelled okay. It just tasted.... weird for the first few sips. And very filling! I usually go through about five or six mugs a day - now I was wondering how I managed it, and pondered how strange it was that it felt so filling when the LL shakes are so much thicker. But I started enjoying it towards the end - the flavours were very intense in my mouth - I could taste everything individually; the coffee, the milk, the sweeteners. Again I wondered at this because I can't taste the individual components of my banana latte.

Anyway.

The next day I had my meal for dinner. Egg, bacon and mushrooms as I had planned. And god, I've never been so nervous about making bacon and eggs in my life. My stomach flipped over, my hands were shaking. Actually, I didn't get up off the sofa until about 5 minutes before I was supposed to eat: I'd forgotten it wouldn't just involve the kettle and my hand blender. Finally I managed to cobble together the ingredients on my plate: garlic grilled mushrooms, grilled bacon and a poached egg. It just looked like so much - I mean, three rashers of bacon! Three rashers of bacon came to the weight specified in the book, but I couldn't believe I'd be able to swallow it down.

Shakingly I took my first bite. Tiny tiny tiny. And it was like something had exploded in my mouth: the bacon tasted so strong - again I thought something might be up (we had frozen the bacon) and got my boyfriend to taste it - he confirmed that's how bacon was supposed to taste. It was just so intense! So... meaty and, um, baconny. It was almost too much. The egg and mushrooms were less intense, but still very eggy and mushroomy. It was like someone had just turned UP the flavour! I ate really slowly; the meal filled a tea plate and I took about 30 minutes.

Afterwards I felt incredibly full. I'd been drinking milky coffees (well, as milky as my 300ml milk allowance stretched to) all day, and my stomach had sent me to the toilet a few times more often than usual. Before I began LL I had all the symptoms of IBS, but they cleared up within a couple of weeks of starting the programme. I couldn't figure out if it was just because - perhaps - I had been eating more than my digestive system could deal with properly - or whether it was a food intolerance. I definitely don't have any food allergies, but I wondered if it was a wheat intolerance. I figured it couldn't be milk, because there's loads of milk in the packs. But now I'm wondering. I hope not because, hello?! MILKY COFFEES. But this is me tending to panic before I have all the facts. It could just be that my stomach's not used to eating, you know, FOOD, so I'll give it a couple of weeks.

Today I had my meal for lunch: flaked hot smoked mackerel on a salad of carrots, spinach, rocket and watercress and tomato. And it's LOADS! To meet the protein requirement it's ONE AND HALF THINGIES OF MACKEREL! I put it all in a big salad bowl and it almost filled the bowl. Again, the flavours were so intense - I can completely still taste the fish in my mouth as though I've just eaten it.

But I'm sorry to say I wolfed it down. I'm not sure why - maybe because I wanted to eat it while it was hot, because I was nervous (it is SO ODD to eat: I really feel like I'm doing something wrong and someone's going to catch me!), but mostly probably because of habit. I shall be watching this in future. No one is going to kill me if I eat slowly.

Today also I went to Sainsburys and ACTUALLY BOUGHT STUFF! Tins of tuna, fresh smoked salmon, Parma ham, cold roast turkey, marinated tofu, Quorn mince (both for the freezer) and about a ton of vegetables. Very exciting. On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I'm out in the evenings so I'll need to take my meal for lunch - I'm trying to plan it all in advance so I don't get caught out.

I'm going to grill the chicken breasts with some basil, then dice them and stick them in a salad with some Parma ham and artichoke hearts. The same with the turkey. The smoked salmon I'll have tomorrow with a spinach omelette, and I'll make a tofu stir-fry thing on Friday.

And I think it is this - this planning (and not reluctant planning, either) that proves to me that I'm not just doing this as an emotional stepping-stone to cheatingland. The boyfriend bought some brownie things at the supermarket and it would have been easier than ever to reach across and have one "because I'm eating food anyway", "it's not that massive a cheat" etc. but it honestly didn't occur to me. I mean, it occurred to me in the way that "I wonder what would happen if I jumped" occurs to you for a millisecond when you're on top of tall buildings, but not in any meaningful way.

I mean, I know I plan to eat over Christmas, but on the days that I'm not eating I plan to stay on the programme 100%. And I know I probably won't lose weight over that period. And that I may have to go through all the getting into ketosis woe and misery and unwellness again. But the thing is, it's worth it. I'm being flexible in order to give myself a nice time over Christmas, and continue losing in the new year.

I may have to take a packed lunch to work on Monday, actually, as my colleagues have threatened to gather round my desk because they can't believe I'll be actually EATING FOOD.

Week 2 Day 13: lightbulb moments, poppadoms and banana mochaccinos

I'm actually posting this on Day 14. I didn't post yesterday because, by the time there was anything to say I was tetchy with myself for allowing Saturday to turn into a "Nothing Day", and I ended up lurching away from the computer and throwing myself on the sofa to wait out the long hours till bedtime in a vague, mostly subconscious sulk.

NB: By "Nothing Day" I do not mean the sort of day where you lie, glued to the sofa (Derren Brown notwithstanding) watching crap, eating crap, lightly dozing and blissfully ignoring the phone and the household chores. I consider this a wholly venerable activity - everyone needs downtime - and I'm 100% behind it. In theory. The truth is I allow myself one or two days of this a year, and generally only when I have a hangover.

A "Nothing Day", for me, is a day spent dithering. Not achieving and not resting. Neither fish nor fowl. I woke early, dithered about getting up (Boyfriend was still asleep), got up, mooched about disconsolately, then dithered about still feeling tired, so went back to bed, then mentally dithered, couldn't fall asleep and got up again.

Mostly, I worried. I worried about this new getting-up-early-on-a-Saturday malarkey. All my life I've woken early - still tired - and then felt crotchety and vaguely tired and "off" for the rest of the day. In the last few years I have Achieved the Weekend Lie-In. Sometimes till stupid o'clock (11am), and not always when I've been out until the early hours the night before. Boyfriend considers this lazy, but to me it's been a massive coup - actually getting the sleep I need, and bugger the rest of 'em. On Saturday I wondered if it might be weight gain related, and worried that the new, thinner me was going to be a early rising, knackered mimsy again.

Boyfriend had the right idea - he spent most of the day on the sofa with big mugs of tea, the paper and reruns of the US version of The Office. Meanwhile I danced around the house, trying and failing to Achieve Things - admin, various little projects, a little correspondence. Nada. Just kept being distracted by things and thinking about how nice it would be to join the Boyfriend on the sofa.

I did, for a bit, then got bored and felt guilty about not Achieving things and went back to dancing unhappily round the house until evening, when I felt I could legitimately give up the ghost and rejoined him on the sofa.

It occurs to me now that I should have just HAD A NAP. It's basic science: not enough sleep; can't sleep - so sleep later. But I see dithering/tiredness as a sort of personal flaw, so feel the need to beat myself over the head with my failure for a whole day. Pah.

And I've just realised what prompted my feelings of apathy/self loathing.

You know how some people always need something familiar around when they start a new thing? A picture of their family, favourite cardigan, lucky pants, etc.?

When I start a new thing I don't feel at home until I've identified the girl who's like me, but better, and felt bad about myself as a result.

I did it at my first LL meeting ("There you are," I thought when I met her. "We're about the same age, but you seem totally on top of things, and that makes me feel like a caveman in comparison. Nice to meet you").

I've done it at my job. I do it whenever I indulge an interest or try anything new. I look on this person, possibly befriend them, and think about everything they've done and how I come up lamentably short next to this person. To myself I call it making a new friend, or admiring someone, but really it's a ruler to measure myself against, always come up lacking, and feel really shit about, and ultimately hate myself.

Undoubtedly it's rooted in my past somewhere.

But I did it on Saturday morning. I did it on Saturday morning, and that's what spun my day out into a bunch of crap during which I subconsciously berated myself about whatever I happened to be doing (or not doing).

It's horrible. It's self-destructive. It's self-betrayal and so, so negative. But it's familiar. And so I do it again and again.

Hmm. Interesting.

Anyway, I did manage to do 2 things on Day 13:

BANANA MOCHACCINO
I sort of perfected my latte idea (to my tastes anyway)

• 1 espresso
• 1/2 banana pack
• 1/2 chocolate pack
• 2 sweeteners
• 500ml boiling water
• Blend! Blend like there's no tomorrow! Then blend some more.

I also attempted...

CHICKEN SOUP POPPADOM
I know, it even sounds rank:

• Mix a soup pack with 4 tablespoons hot water
• Stir until you get a smooth paste
• Add salt, pepper and tabasco
• Spread it evenly on a dinner plate
• Microwave for 1.5 - 2minutes
• Open the microwave every 20 seconds to let it bubble and settle
• When it's golden, remove it, let it cool, peel off and enjoy.
  

Only a half success I'm afraid - I added too much water so it went all soggy in the middle, so I did it for a further 3 minutes(!) until it was virtually burnt and dried to the plate. And, though Boyfriend mocked me, I did manage to lever it off using a knife when it was cool and it was QUITE PLEASANT.

I might try again tonight.