Week 6 Day 37

So. Size 12 skinny jeans.

Yesterday I was feeling very self-conscious wandering around the office in some size 14 skinny jeans that I was literally lost in. I had them bunched and hoisted around my waist with a tightly done-up belt, but I really looked as though I was wearing my big sister's clothes (and I don't have a big sister). The weird thing is this was one pair of 3 jeans I'd bought a while ago but not worn, because they were too small for me. And now they were unflatteringly big for me! Which was both a cloud and a silver lining.

So on the way home yesterday I popped into New Look and picked up a pair of size 12 jeans (£10! And really nice! get ye down there!) so I'd have "something to aim for". Of course as soon as I got home I rushed upstairs and tried them on. AND THEY FITTED.

THE SIZE 12 JEANS.

THE SIZE 12 SKINNY-ASS JEANS FITTED!

Just to clarify:

• I'm about 5'. So size 12 for me is like size 16 for a normal sized person.
• I've been having small losses week on week, and have only just crossed the FIRST STONE mark.
• I haven't fitted into a size 12 for about FIVE YEARS. Before I started LL I was challenging the borders of size 14, and about to make the unhappy jump up to a 16.
• They not only fitted, they looked NICE! NICE! I didn't look like a pair of sausages stuffed into doll's clothes.
• I also have these boots - long boots I've been saving. I have felt the size of a big stuffed sausage for some time now, but I suppose I was (theoretically) determined to lose weight by Christmas, because I've been coveting these boots for ages - but didn't want to wear them while "fat" (also wasn't entirely sure I could squeeze my calves into 'em). 

ANYWAY. I asked Boyfriend to buy them for me for Christmas, but to KEEP THEM FROM ME until I'd lost weight.

So last night, in my skinny size 12 jeans, I dug them out and put them on (they look great! And fitted!) then pranced around in a selection of jumpers for Boyfriend to pass judgement. He was very amused and really impressed (he is famously, er, conservative with compliments). He used words like "dramatically slimmer" and "don't look overweight at all", which was really great.

Today I wore my skinny jeans and long boots to work. Being skinny, they are constricting and I think I mistook this for "tight" and panicked. So my size 14s came along in a bag with me!  But I didn't need them - the jeans fit fine, but it did throw up a new thing I've been noticing, which has been doing my head in....

Male attention.

I'm quite pretty. I feel very squirmy and want to hide under the sofa saying this, but it's true. I'm not boasting - and I'm not hugely pretty - I see plenty of women every day who outstrip me in physical beauty on an almost hourly basis! But I am quite pretty, and since I've put on weight I really haven't missed the male attention I used to get.

Now I'm skinnifying it's sort of started again (particularly noticeable today while I've been slinking around in my boots and skinny jeans) and I'm not sure how to respond to it. One the one hand I panic, because I just assume I'm walking around with snot on my face, a boob hanging out, or my fly undone. But (I don't think!) that's the case. Yesterday I got a wolf whistle. Today I noticed boys (cute boys! And not just scary middle-aged sleazes, who always gave me unwanted attention when I was very overweight with a rack to match) checking me out in the street. Several builders gave me the once-over when I popped out for a cigarette at lunchtime. And on the way home I popped into Boots and the young man at the pharmacy section flirted with me!

I can't say it's not pleasant. It is. What's not to like about cute boys thinking you're hot?! But the truth is I miss my invisibility. Being overweight made people's eyes slip over me in the street. Now I feel watched. I feel conspicuous.

I think I'm worried about being "attractive" again - when I was skinny I could never accept that I was attractive (I thought I was hideous) but over the years, as an overweight person, I have been able to look at my appearance more objectively. Anyway, that sort of made all the negative things that come with prettiness even harder to bear - people judging you by your appearance, male attention (don't get me wrong - when cute boys and people I'm attracted to find me attractive, it's great! It's just very perturbing otherwise), other girls' wariness and competitiveness, etc. etc. etc.

So far, so "don't hate me because I'm beautiful". But the fact is there are benefits to being overweight if you have a tendency to avoidance. Going from overweight and invisible to male-attracty in a few weeks is a bit of a mind-bender. And I'm not sure how to deal with it.

In other news, I went home to see my mother at the weekend - she made me promise to email her the week-on-week allowed-foods list when I start RTM, so she can cook me yummy allowed food when I see her! I'm also pilfering some family recipes of my favourite foods from her, too.

To celebrate my stone's loss I've treated myself to a pot of Creme de la Mer and am going to pick up some guitar strings for my favourite guitar on Friday, so that I can play some music over the weekend.

Tomorrow I'm sleeping over at my bezzie mate's, and on Thursday I'm having a coffee with the friend who inspired me to do LL - she seems really curious to see what I look like now! So I won't update until Thursday or Friday.

Have a good few days :)

[UPDATE]

I think the thing is, *I* don't place much value on prettiness. I mean, sometimes you'll be just walking around and you'll see someone who's stunning - and that's always nice to see. But I don't really give a crap about who's pretty and who's not. Especially with those people - you know the ones - who are really attractive, then you start talking to them and within seconds you've forgotten how attractive they look because they're so boring/horrible/narcissistic etc. But that's what really important - yes, I look okay, but I'm also a nice and interesting person. That's what's important to me, and that's what I look for in other people. So I'll just take the pretty-attention stuff as a compliment, but I'll try not to let it colour how I deal with people (in particular running away from people/situations for fear of being looked at!).

Week 6 Day 36

Today I only have this to say:

SIZE TWELVE SKINNY JEANS, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Thank you.

Week 5 Day 35: 5th LL meeting; crooked thinking; scale inconsistencies

Just got back from LL group.

According to their scales, I've lost 1.4lbs this week, which mean I've now lost a stone. But according to my scales, this morning I'm 17lbs down from the morning before I started LL - and even the jeans I had trouble getting into before are now at serious risk of falling down.

But I've not been doing very well with water consumption - yesterday I was travelling and barely drank any because I didn't want to be caught out on the train. However, this week I'm really going to make a project of drinking water - and aim to drink and refill my 75cl bottle twice in the morning, twice in the afternoon and once after I'm home. That'll be my project and I'll see if it makes a difference to next Sunday's weigh in.

I'll fill you in on my week later, but I wanted to note what we talked about in group today. Crooked thinking - we looked at this in more depth, according to this template:

1. The event
2. The crooked thought you might have / the balanced thought you could have
3. How you feel given either option
4. Action you might take in either option
5. How you feel once you've completed either action

We were asked to think of something that had happened this week, and apply these rules to it to see what we thought/felt/did, and how we could (or actually did) make it more balanced.

I thought I was doing pretty well in isolating my black/white thinking, but actually something else happened this week that made me feel severely emotional (which I then buried and forgot about, but which influenced my mood for the rest of the week).

So. This isn't at all food related, but as you may or may not know, I do some freelance work on top of my regular job....

EVENT

I learned that a friend of mine - another freelancer - landed a really cool freelance gig.

CROOKED THOUGHTS

"But how! I'm so much better than her!" / "That's really mean and bigheaded of me to think, I'm supposed to be her friend! Why can't I just be happy for her?" / "I'm a rubbish friend and she's always nice to me."/ "I'm so disorganised that I probably wouldn't have landed it anyway" / "She deserves it more than me." / "I'M RUBBISH.' (I have that one a lot)

EMOTIONS

Jealousy / anger / self-loathing / despair.

 

ACTION

Withdrawal. 

Congratulate her in the most sincere way possible then crawl away feeling awful about myself.

 

EMOTIONS

Sad / self-loathing / lack of confidence.

But what we talked about in group is that this was actually about my own lack of confidence when pitching for freelance work. This particular friend is an amazing self-publicist, whereas I try to let my work speak for itself - which, luckily, works quite well at the moment, but I am dreading the day that I have to pitch to someone as I expect I'll get tongue-tied and lose my nerve.

But with all that in mind, my thought process could have gone like this...

EVENT
I learn that my friend has landed a really cool freelance gig.

BALANCED THOUGHT

Gosh, that's impressive. I wonder how she does it. I'm a bit jealous, and this is an area I don't really feel comfortable in. Maybe I should follow up on the freelance stuff I've yet to do (BECAUSE **ALERT ALERT** I HAVE SOME FREELANCE STUFF I'M ALREADY DOING, WHICH I CONVENIENTLY FORGOT ABOUT WHEN I WAS FEELING ALL SELF-LOATHINGY). Maybe I can get some tips on pitching and confidence from my friend.

EMOTIONS

Inspired.

ACTION

I look at my own schedule to see what can be improved, and get some useful advice from my successful friend.

EMOTIONS

Accomplished / hopeful.

This really opened my eyes.

My LLC said "Bea, your default setting is 'I'm rubbish'. All roads lead there - and it's where you're comfortable. But that's not the logical conclusion of every situation. You have a small crooked thought, then it snowballs into bigger and bigger ones so that by the time you're finished you're upset about something to do with yourself (being a rubbish friend) rather than facing and dealing with the thing you were already upset about (being nervous about pitching). It's a clever sabotage trick - but that's all it is. It's not THE TRUTH, and the way to deal with it is to realise when you're having that LITTLE crooked thought and question that before it becomes the big thought."

See? They're all wizards. Wizards, I tell you!

Week 5 Day 32: the doors of perception

Now, the first thing I wanted to type here was "I've had a crap couple of days" but the LL wizards teach you about "catastrophising" and "black and white thinking", so the truth is I've had some crap elements to the last couple of days, and I'm tired and crotchety.

Yesterday I had a sinus headache all day (crap) but completed a day's work (good). Then I met my best friend for a trip to the cinema (good), but it was *weeing* down outside and I had loads of transport problems getting to the cinema (crap), but I did get there in the end and really enjoyed the film (good). I also managed to drink the requisite amount of water yesterday (good) by taking my water flavours to work and adding them to my bottle (genius!). I tried to get enough sleep last night (good) but was still tired and headachey this morning (crap). But I struggled into work (good) late (crap) but my manager was very understanding (good). In fact it was all I could do to stop myself coming straight home as per her suggestion and going back to bed! But I went in because I had an important meeting to chair today; I chaired it and it went well (good); I managed to have all my packs so far (good), I got lots of work done - and done well (good); I was a little afraid I'd have to leave early because I wasn't feeling well (cra- actually, not crap: just taking care of myself), but I stayed all day (good) and came home at an appropriate time (good). I was tired and crotchety (crap) and pissed-off (crap) and had a mild go at my boyfriend (crap, well, understandable). Normally at this time I'd retreat into a big bowl of pasta or something, but instead I'm watching a favourite DVD and planning an early night.

All of which is too detailed BUT actually shines a different light on the last two days' events rather than how I would have felt about it - and portrayed it - if I'd said "I've had a crap couple of days". Thinking like that colours how you feel about everything. I only wore a light top and a cord jacket to work today - but it was colder than I thought - so I was freezing (and grumpy) for most of the day, and annoyed with myself for choosing the wrong clothes. It was only on the way home that I realised that I couldn't fit into this top or that jacket three weeks ago, and felt entirely different about my clothes choices!

Actually, the thing I was sniping at the boyfriend about was my DVD - being on crutches and working from home anyway, he's home a lot. He was supposed to go out tonight and I was planning on watching my DVD. But he's not going out tonight and didn't want to watch my DVD with me. I got into a "You always watch what you want to - why can't I watch my stuff for a change?" type argument.

This is perhaps typical of black-and-white thinking. He doesn't always watch what he wants to - it's just that I'm tired and crotchety toniht and wanted to watch my thing. But the thing about DVDs is that you don't have to watch the entire thing in one go. So I watched my DVD until he finished work (he finishes about 1.5hrs after I come home normally). Now I've stopped watching it, he's having his dinner, then we'll watch something we both enjoy, I'll have an early night, then watch the rest of my DVD tomorrow.

So not as black and white as all that.

Another thing I've been feeling slightly snippy about are the attitudes of my workmates - a couple of them have been a bit dismissive of my diet, and I've been annoyed that they've "all" been unsupportive. But the truth is that most of them have been really complimentary (including my manager) and supoportive - and - one of them has told me she's thinking of doing LL after seeing how I'm dealing with it, plus another told me how much she admired me as she's been battling with her weight all her life. So a very different picture to the grumpy one I was building.

And while I was feeling grumpy I also got annoyed with myself, thinknig "I should never have told my workmates about this diet - if I was really strong and had any self-respect I would have kept it to myself - this is just like me- I always need validation." Which is all tosh - I told them because I thought they'd notice my weight loss and strange space food, and because... wel, I'm trying to be more open about things, not hide them away. And maybe if I had had more self-respect I could have kept itto myself, but baby steps. I did the best in the circumstances (besides which I think we'll have to accept the fact that I haven't been really strong - if I was really strong I wouldn't have overeaten in the first place! Or maybe, even more honestly, I have been really strong, but I've been pouring my strength into other things - like my career, and stuff - and I'm only now applying that to my weight loss).

I really need to give myself a fucking break.

So today I've

1. Braved a headache to go into work
2. Done some really good and useful work
3. Had a few insights about my behaviour and (to some degree) changed my outlook to a slightly more objective view.

Which isn't too bad. Now I'm off to enjoy my relaxing evening.

Thoughts on weight loss, group dynamics, self-esteem and expectations

It just occurred to me that I always shied away from group weight loss programmes like Weight Watchers largely because they were, well, group endeavours. I just didn't want to talk about my weight issues - certainly not in a group of people.

And of course in Weight Watchers there isn't that counselling aspect, there's just the getting weight (as far as I understand) in front of everybody, and then the inevitable talking about it. I don't like groups. I don't like being overweight. I don't like mixing the two. I always thought that

• I would feel left out
• I wouldn't connect with anyone
• They would think I was weird
• I wouldn't lose as much as everyone else
• They would all bond and I'd be left out

Basically I thought they'd all be grouped in a cosy corner losing weight and coming up with strategies supporting each other, and that I'd be failing of my own.

But you know what? I joined my Lighter Life group late - so they'd bonded for 2 weeks before I got there. I have little in common with them. And they are all losing much more weight per week than I have so far.

But one lady took my number and called me one day when she was having a difficult time of it. A couple of the other ladies and I seem to get on well. And none of these things have affected the way I feel about my weight loss. I didn't think oh I'd better stop now at any point.

At any point.

It's been really difficult, I've had a few slip-ups (the sucrose tablets, the cinnamon), I haven't lost as much per week as I expected to per week, and I've been tempted to eat, but it's never actually crossed my mind to quit.

And that's something.

Historically I haven't been brilliant about prioritising my own wellbeing, but it did get to the point, when my ankles were hurting every time I took a couple of steps, and I was gazing wistfully at young women, as I've mentioned, that I thought I deserve to feel better than this.

I deserve. To feel better. Than this.

Week 5 Day 30

So tonight I had a quick coffee with that friend I've not seen in a while; I was a bit worried about what to say if she mentioned the weight loss.

Only a handful of people know I'm doing LL (including you good people) because I just don't want to get into a conversation about it. I don't think I want people to know that I'm even uncomfortable with my weight, never mind that I've committed to a drastic weight loss programme to deal with it.

A lot of this is undoubtedly low self-esteem and a desire to be seen as perfect, etc., etc., at work, but some of it is just the plain fact that it's no one else's business. And, with lots of people telling me how different I look even after losing only 11lbs, I didn't know that well how I'd react to someone I didn't know commenting on it (the friend in question is more of a friendly acquaintance than a true true friend - not because she's horrible, but because we haven't had enough of those trials and tribulations that form and solidify friendships).

And we all know that, especially if you're a woman, the conversation doesn't end at a simple declaration of "I'm on a diet." It's all "ooh, which one?" and "how are you finding it?" and the ubiquitous "but you don't even need to diet" (that's been said to me and I'm not at all sure how it was meant, but I wanted to punch the person that said it. When you're three stone or more overweight, you do need to diet. So shut up. I'm sure this is an extreme reaction to something that was meant to be kind, but to me it just feels patronising.

Clearly I'm touchy about this subject.

So all through my work day I wondered what to say, and tried to come up with strategies. These ranged from complete denial ("What weight?") to the vague ("Oh I suppose I've been so busy lately that I've forgotten to eat here and there") and back to denial ("I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT").

But I needn't have worried.

She didn't notice.

I could have been stark naked and she wouldn't have noticed.

We hadn't scheduled much time to meet (literally a quick coffee); I was late, and she had a lot of her own stuff going on, which was the main topic of conversation. I know, I worked hard to keep it that way; every time there was a nanosecond's lull in the conversation and I'd notice her gaze drifting over my diminished chest and so forth, I just asked another question about her situation and off she'd launch, and then it was time to go.

So there you go. If you don't want to talk about it, be late and ensure that the other person has a lot to fill you in on. Easy peasy.

So what three things have I done well today?

1. I attended another meeting, this one was about something I did which apparently pissed some other people off initially (but it was the right thing to do). Essentially some people weren't happy with some action I'd taken. Normally I'd approach these in a dragging-my-heels, oh-crap-I'm-going-to-get-a-bollocking sort of way (even if, as in this instance, I was in the right). But for some reason I decided no, I was in the right, so I didn't attend the meeting as subserviantly as I might have done before. I was assertive and relaxed and made my points, and it was all very amicable and adult and reasonable. I moved it along to some positive actions for the future (rather than harping on about the thing I did), and wasn't afraid to argue my points when the others attempted to push me in another direction. Essentially I was assertive. Not because I'm skinnier than I was so it's time to be assertive. It just felt right. But I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to follow it through before I started LL. Hm. Is confidence a side effect of LL?

2. I didn't cancel on my friend. There's a large part of me that wanted to, that wants to hide away from every social interaction until I've lost all the weight, but that would raise even MORE questions and I refuse to just become a hermit, so I saw my friend and it wasn't that bad at all.

3. I owned up to some of my talents, and pimped myself a bit at work today. Without putting myself down or anything. I accepted that I'm good at some stuff and I actually told some people about it.

All of which is rather healthy and positive and KNACKERING, so I'm off to the sofa for a well-earned evening in front of the TV.

Week 5 Day 29

Today was a very blah sort of day: Monday, raining, lots of work to do.

But I'm going to take my LLC's advice and list 3 things I did well today (apologies if that's very boring for you).

1. I chaired an important meeting first thing this morning (before breakfast and - more impressively - before coffee) and got everyone to a consensus.
   
   
2. I made my porridge and had my bar at work, even though I felt self-conscious as I was sitting at a really crowded bank of desks (we hot-desk at my office) and everyone around me was clearly fascinated by what I was eating.
   
   
3. Even though I was frazzled at the end of the day I remembered to get some cash out for my poor hobbled boyfriend, AND I got him a Double Decker too (I have to not eat chocolate; no one said anything about not buying any).

I did notice a funny brain thing though. This morning I had a physio appointment before work and was late leaving the house. I just made the train I needed to get.... and then the train was delayed, making me slightly late for my appointment.

And you know what I thought?

I thought, "There, you see? That wouldn't have happened if you'd been more organised and left the house on time."

What an odd thing to think. I mean, the train wasn't delayed because I was late. It's not like I clung onto the side of a carriage as it was leaving the platform, waving my knickers at the driver to get his attention.

The train being late had nothing to do with my being late for the train. But it was delayed and I sort of stood, shoulders hunched and a bit guilty and miserable, throughout the long (looooong, frequently stopping for no discernible reason) journey, until I realised that was ridiculous.

I wonder how many other things I blame myself for. When I comfort eat, it's sort of a reaction to a long chain of mixed miseries that have been building up over a number of days (or hours) - things I feel guilty about, things I feel hard done by, things that frighten me, things I just can't think about because they're too big, and the ever-present knowledge that I'm just not being the best that I can be.

Hm.

Anyway. As I have mentioned, 1.4lbs doesn't seem like a lot. But I had a play around with one of those online weight loss simulator thingies, and this is a (shiny, Hollywood) version of me before I started LL:

And this is me now:

Neither of them look "fat" enough to be honest, but I'll keep recording them every 4 weeks or so so you can see the difference.

Off for my second instant-coffee-with-half-a-hot-banana-shake-and-half-a-hot-chocolate shake of the evening. Again, I feel a bit guilty and naughty for having a nice hot drink that I like rather than a horrid soup I can barely gag down.

Why are our brains so stupid?

Tomorrow will be a challenge: I'll be seeing a friend I haven't seen in a while; someone who doesn't know I'm on a diet, and someone I don't really want to tell about LL. It's too personal (she writes, on her public INTERNET WEBLOG). I'm not very good at keeping things under wraps. When I try to keep a secret I always seem to talk about it in a way that suggests "ASK ME ASK ME ASK ME". I'm not sure why. I guess I figure my wanting to keep a lid on things isn't as important as their wanting to know.

Maybe it's a self-sabotage thing, too. Or a test. I just don't want to tell people about LL. It takes a very strong person to smile enigmatically and just say "I'm eating healthily" (and an even stronger one to deal with all those "but didn't that woman die on this diet? this is insanity! Stop it immediately!" type comments.

Maybe the point is NOT to smile enigmatically, and just to move the conversation along. Or just not mention it. I'm allowed to have secrets, but I don't have to tell anyone else it's a secret. Or even that I have one. It's about bloody time I did something for myself and didn't "give up my goods" for the sake of other people's gossip.

Ooh I'm angry now. Angry with my friend! And I haven't even talked to her yet.

Well. We'll see how I do. I'll report back.