Week 9 Day 65

Ever seen a thought process from beginning to end? I've not been writing here or posting on MiniMins lately. Tonight I wrote an update post on the forum, which I'm going to post here in its entirety, because it says so much:

*

Hello ladies,

*So* sorry I've not posted for ages *again* - and *again* this is going to be one of those big splodgey posts of news.

November has been so freaking busy. I just don't know where the days have gone! I'm taking part in a writing competition where you write almost 2,000 words of fiction every day through November. It's an insane task but I've been looking forward to it all year... and now it's here, I've been avoiding it like the plague! V interesting from an LL psychology point of view. Instead of writing I've... well, let's just say my house is *very* clean. Have made some headway now though.

Had some nice days though. Took a day off for Guy Fawkes and my friend who's finished LL and I mooched around Brighton all day, then went to Lewes for the legendary Guy Fawkes parade (I grew up in the next village). If you haven't been I do recommend it - it's a bit like Mardi Gras. It was odd to be in the pub and just drinking sparkling water though... however, didn't miss not having a hangover the next day!

We had lunch at Zizzi and it was my first LL pack in a restaurant - they weren't too fussed about giving me a bowl and some hot water for my mushroom soup. And on the way to the loo I caught sight of myself in a full-length mirror and just couldn't believe it! I look so skinny! Not perfect, but on the way! The size 12 skinny jeans are now a bit roomy! I was squeezing myself into a size 14 when I started LL (which may not sound like a lot but it's plenty when you're my height and you're so overweight that your ankles barely support you). It's weird, we have full-length mirrors at home, and of course I put my face on in the mirrors in the morning, but it was only when I was out of the house that it really hit home how much I've lost. Have peered at myself at the mirrors in the house since, but haven't had the same effect...!

I've been feeling a bit unsupported in my LL group. Everyone is very nice and our LLC is great and v wise, but she seems to hold about 4 different LL groups every day, and doesn't remember information about you from one week to the next.

We agreed I'd do a condensed RTM because I'm going away in Jan. Now she's saying no. And she keeps getting my height wrong and telling me my goal weight is too low... Plus she seems to have forgotten I'm 3 weeks behind the rest of my group and is telling me I have to go into RTM at the end of November, despite the fact that I won't have completed Foundation by then.

I'm sure this is always the way, but our group has dwindled to four people. The other 3 are lovely, but they're losing loads AND THEY'RE CHEATING. I'm losing an average of 2.6lbs a week and am fully abstinent. I'm not going to cheat, but it is annoying me. And I don't think they're going to do RTM either.

The whole thing has been making me feel rather demotivated to be honest. And it's suddenly become really important to me that I

a) hit my goal weight by Christmas, and
b) go into RTM before Christmas.

The Christmas season is hotting up and I've been feeling very down about the prospect of not being able to eat or drink at the various do's I'm due to go to (putting "nothing", "nothing" and "nothing" for starter, main course and pudding for my work Christmas party was depressing). And I've been fixating a little on some drinks things I have coming up, and how I'll only be drinking sparkling water, and how unfair that is.

But ladies, having come back on the boards and just through reading this thread I've realised what I'm doing: taking a situation I don't feel happy about (not hitting goal by Christmas; feeling unsupported at group), not doing anything about it and - suddenly - feeling deprived and so on. And the reality is that I *can* hang on over Christmas - I'm only 18lbs (18lbs!!!!) from goal and rather than celebrating the success, I'm channelling all my angst about what's going on into worrying about what's to come. If I need to I can have a Christmas dinner (the lack of this is what's *really* bugging me - that and the fact that I miss milk in my coffee. But I WILL have that in RTM!) next year. One year I had food poisoning and my family had a "second Christmas lunch" in January when I was better, just for me.

Although I have "only" 18lbs to go, because my losses have been small it's actually taken me a month to lose 9lbs But I *can* handle another two months in abstinence if I need to. I won't like it, but I *can* do it, and getting to goal is more important than milk in my coffee, after all.

So thank you ladies. You may not have felt like you've done anything, but just reading your posts in this thread and the amazing way you're all dealing with this, it's helped me to realise my own crooked thinking and give me hope.

*
If you're doing LL and haven't registered on a forum, I do recommend it. It's so helpful, in so many ways. I've been keeping myself so busy lately that I've been using the few moments I've given myself to think about LL, I've been feeling bitter about how much work I've done, and how I'm not at my goal yet, and how it might be a longer haul than I'd thought, and it means I'd have to miss out on Christmas.

Which is very narrow crooked thinking. Having the odd drink in a pub isn't a big deal. Eating a turkey dinner isn't a big deal. Losing 3 stone is a MASSIVE deal. And yes, it's not easy and the thought that I may have to spend a further two months on it IS unpleasant. But doable. And though I miss the milk in my coffee I get to have it during milk week, if I continue in abstinence, and as soon as I start RTM!

And another way to look at this could be this: I have two months! Two months to think about what I'm going to do when I'm slim. What I'm going to change. How my life is going to be better. To figure out how to increase my exercise in a way I enjoy. In fact, I'm in a perfect place to do this now - thin enough that I wouldn't feel like a complete freakzoid joining, say, a Pilates class (which I know is a brain thing rather than a fat thing per se), but if I don't like it, I can try something else. In fact, all time is a perfect time to do this, but the extra two months' grace allows me room for experimentation.

And I don't need to feel bound by my LLC's inconsistent advice. I know what weight I need to be when I finish. I know that, given my height (because I know my height!) that my goal weight isn't too low.  I know that my losses are relatively small, so I know I shouldn't go into RTM until I hit goal weight. And I know I want to do a condensced RTM, not because I want to hurry back into eating, but because for someone like me - someone who was offered LLL - 12 weeks of RTM might actually be demotivating.

But I wouldn't have realised any of this if I hadn't gone onto the LL MiniMins forum and seen how well, and positively, other people are doing.

I am my own boss. Which occasionally means checking that I'm on the right track. And since I'm a nice boss I'm not going to give myself a hard time for the crooked thinking I've been doing.

Week 8 Day 57

A quick tip for your weigh-ins: wear your lightest clothes to group on weigh-in day.

Yesterday I was lamenting my small losses at group and, while my LLC was out of the room, a lady in my group asked if I hadn't noticed that everyone wears exactly the same outfit to group each week. Obviously, being the jeenyoos I am, I hadn't.

This lady pointed out that another lady in our group wears the same leggings and sack-dress every week. I had noticed this, but alas I figured she just didn't have owt else to wear. But I also noticed that after her weigh-in this lady pretty much gets dressed during the rest of group - pulling on socks, boots, jumpers, cardigans etc.

The lady I was talking to said the other lady does this deliberately to maximise her losses. She pointed out the jeans, belt, jumper get-up I normally schlep around in and advised me to go home, strip, and weigh my clothes. "I bet they'll add up to at least a pound," she opined.

So I did. Just now. Jeans, socks, belt and jumper. And you know what? TWO FUCKING POUNDS. My clothes are eating up my weight loss! I know it's all relative in terms of weekly losses, but it does explain why my post-pee (nekkid) weight in the morning is something like 4lbs less than my 2pm weigh-in weight.

Next week I'm wearing leggings and the lightest top I own.

Today I have been unaccountably hungry, and I'm pretty sure it was down to the 2 paracetamol I took for a headache at lunchtime. They're caplets, and as much as they say they're not coated, I bet they have a sugar coating on. Bums.

Week 7 Day 56

Hurrah! I'm in a buoyant tonight, for a change. My reasons are 3:

1. I FINALLYgot a list of all my weekly losses from my LLC. 
I lost my record book way back in week 2, and since then I've been peering over my LLC's shoulder when she weighs me then trying to remember what she said. The good thing is that, although my losses have been small, they haven't been that bad. In total I've lost 22lbs, making that a weekly average of 3.1lbs so far. I have 6 weeks left on the programme, and using my average to date I should lose another 18lbs, which should leave me only 2lbs over my goal weight, and I could lose that during my condensed RTM in December.

2. I realised I can revise my goal weight, and Christmas dinner isn't cheating. Necessarily.
If I don't hit 42lbs by the first week of December, I can still go into RTM, because I'll at least be in my healthy weight range by then. Then I can come back at some other point - either after Christmas or after my US holiday in February (did I mention I'd booked a holiday? SO EXCITED...) and lose the rest on Lighter Life Light. It's a flexible plan, and I can always go back to group sessions to help me through Management. I think I'll find these really helpful while navigating the muddy waters of weight management.

Plus, a lady in my group ate this week. She's a very nice lady, very calm and well-balanced. She told us about this very calmly, and I thought our LLC would give her a bollocking. But she didn't! She just asked whether the lady had eaten in her "adult" ego state, or if it had been an emotional reaction. And it turned out the lady had always known she was going to eat on this day - because it was her and her husband's 20th wedding anniversary, and they went out for dinner. She didn't eat a lot, she did it to keep her husband company, and she made up for it with an extra gym session later that week. Our LLC was very impressed - she said she couldn't endorse cheating, but if you were going to cheat, this was the best way to do it.

Now, I'm hoping that by Christmas I'll be far enough along RTM that Christmas lunch won't be an issue. But I really want to have Christmas lunch. I can handle being on RTM in December, and not nibbling or drinking in the run-up to Christmas, but not having Christmas lunch would break my heart. I was vegetarian until last year, and last year I cooked my FIRST EVER CHRISTMAS LUNCH with all the trimmings. I was so proud and it was gorgeous. I love Christmas, and would be very upset if I couldn't have my lunch and glass of champagne - my boyfriend and I always spend Christmas Day together, without our families and all the hassle (that's for Boxing Day!), and Christmas lunch is something we both look forward to. And what the lady said made me realise I could, as long as I was careful and didn't slip again.

That's not to say I'm planning to do this - I still maintain that lapsing is a really bad idea. But by that point  I may well be close to the end of RTM anyway. I've been able to handle total abstinence for eight weeks, but the idea of missing Christmas lunch just makes me very sad, and not depriving myself wouldn't be the end of the world if I did it with my "adult" hat on and didn't use it as an excuse to sabotage myself by continuing to lapse. As my LLC says, Christmas is a ritual, and sometimes we can bend the rules a little.

3. I started NaNoWriMo!
I'm taking very slowly because of all the other stuff I've got on, so I'm deliberately only allowing myself to write for short amounts of time per day. Starting is the worst part, but I've done it! It's so freeing because I've had terrible writer's block all year, and even in the short time I was writing today I could feel myself starting to let it go. Doing something just for my own enjoyment is such a strange thing to get used to, but it is such a delicious feeling of freedom when I really let myself do it.

Today I also walked most of the way to my LL meeting - it's about 2 miles away and, as you may know, being overweight I've had real trouble with my ankles when walking. But today there was no pain! And one of the ladies gave me a lift most of the way home, too. I think next Sunday I'll try to be brave and walk the entire way.

I didn't do much for Halloween - my best friend came over last night and we chatted and watched some scary movies - it was a lot of fun. Again, this sort of thing would have been an excuse for us to order "naughty" food, but we had just as much fun without it. Although a little wine would have been nice.

On Friday there were some drinks at work. I ducked out early, mainly because I was tired, but also because I wasn't sure how I'd fare in a situation where I'd normally use alcohol as a social lubricant, and because when you're not drinking, everyone wants to know WHY. I don't think I have a particular problem with alcohol (chance would be a fine thing: I'm such a cheap date that I can get drunk on half a pint), but it does make me wonder how I'll cope at drinky events. Ah well, I'll have plenty of opportunities to practice in the coming month.

Friday was, again, a very stressful day - I made a slight mistake which I couldn't immediately rectify. My manager told me it wasn't a big deal, but I just felt awful, because with better planning I could have avoided it. I was so busy feeling guilty and exposed and embarrassed that I didn't drink quite enough water. I'm still finding it difficult to tell whether it was really as bad as I painted it. Perhaps this is a "crooked thought" I can explore tomorrow evening when I work on my green book.

Week 7 Day 53

Well, I haven't posted here, but not because I've been busy doing lots of things I don't want to do. Nor have I been wallowing in the bath, doing my nails for three days.

I've been laying the groundwork.

Firstly, I realised that October is coming to an end, which means it's almost time for NaNoWriMo! That's National Novel Writing Month for the uninitiated, in which you join an online (and often local) community of frenzied writers trying to complete a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. I know it sounds like an insane task, especially for someone with no time, but once you get past the insanity of the endeavour and realise that your only objective is to complete 2,000 words - any 2,000 words - per day, you start to stop monitoring yourself and it just becomes a pure creative rush. Which, for someone like me, who's been stifled by various things (of my own making) is extremely attractive.  I did it last year - and I was already doing about 15 other things that November - and loved it, and really want to do it again. For no other reason than I like it, which seems a very flimsy reason for doing something.

So anyway. How was I supposed to do all this when I could barely move now for extracurricular activities? Well the obvious answer was to ditch the stuff I didn't enjoy for the things I do enjoy.

So I did.

I told the people I freelance for that I needed some time off. I was very uncomfortable doing this - I wanted to lie, to say I had family problems, or that I was ill. To make people pity or excuse me - anything to avoid saying just that "I want this" - even thoguh I'm perfectly entitled to. I'm still not comfortable with it - I still think that someone else would be perfectly entitled to it, but for me to do it seems like an incredibly selfish thing.

I know that makes me sound like a complete doormat.

But I asked for it. I said I wanted a break because there was some other stuff I wanted to do. I didn't make out that I was a poor old thing, or that something was wrong in any way. I just said I wanted a month or so off so I had time to do something else I wanted.

And you know what? I got it. My freelance employers weere more than helpful. "Go and do your thing," they said basically. "We love you so come back when you're ready."

So I didn't quit entirely - after some wise words from my ex-LL friend I realised that LL is huge. So huge. So much is happening to me right now, inside and out. So I shouldn't make any rash decisions right now. She also cautioned me against doing NaNoWriMo because it is so gruelling, but when she said that I felt really sad! Like someone was taking away a toy I was really looking forward to playing with! That's what made it clear to me that I really wanted to do it, and I should make time and prioritise what I really want to do. I just won't push myself if I don't make the 50,000 word mark. It is the taking part, after all.

So that's positive.

Also, a couple of things have happened that I haven't yet dealt with on LL. Somebody in my personal life did something that I found upsetting, and on the same day I had a disagreement with someone at work.

The personal upset really got to me, and it was interesting how I dealt with it. I got angry, I got hurt and eventually I turned all that inward, and a horrid voice told me "they wouldn't have done this unless you were a really crap person". But I knew it was just a voice, it wasn't the truth. And it was patly through my own working out, and through the validation of my friends' reactions to what happened that made me realise that it wasn't me, it really was a hurtful action from the other person. I was still upset about it, and about the very fact that there was a voice in my head telling me it was my fault - and I didn't really know what to do about it - but, I dunno, it was a different sort of upset. I felt one step removed from it somehow.

With the disagreement at work - essentially I communicated something in a certain way, and another person took it rather badly, and reacted badly. Normally in this situation I would apologise. Then I'd apologise again. Then a third time just to be sure. I wouldn't examine the situation to gauge whether it was really my fault: partly because I just don't like conflict and I want it to be over as soon as possible, and the quickest way to end it is to accept the blame for everything! And also partly because I just assume it's my fault because, you know, everything is my fault. Later I would examine the situation and realise, perhaps, that it wasn't all my fault after all, and that the other person was also to blame, and I would become resentful. Even then, the next time I saw that person I'd cringe a bit and be meek, all the time feeling angry and self-loathing inside.

This time I didn't allow myself to do this. I still felt like apologising my bum off, but I just kept it to apologising for my tone, and made it clear that it hadn't been my attention to upset this person, and I left it at that. I felt awful. I blushed all afternoon and found it difficult to concentrate, but I knew that I was upset over the personal thing, and I somehow knew that it wasn't my fault. I think in these situations I've always known that it wasn't my fault - I just never let myself listen to that voice. So I sat on my urge to throw myself at this colleague's feet and offer up my firstborn, and nominally at least, kept my dignity.

Being on LL strips away more than your fat. Fat can be a shield - it certainly is for me - and you start to learn to live without it. My shield kept me a shrinking violet - stopped me being a force to be reckoned with, and stopped me having to "reckon" with the world. And being without it is opening my eyes to how I deal with the world based on my beliefs about the world - and that those beliefs might be wrong.

However, on that day I really felt the lack of a nice stodgy pizza and couple of bottles of beer when I got home! Normally I would curl up with my byofriend, in my nice warm house, and bury myself in these and use them to hide away from my problems. But it never really works. Your problems are still there the next day when you're feeling bloated and rubbish, and to be honest they never really went away. They were there, niggling at you at the back of your mind the whole time, and rather than being a nice food you enjoy, it's something that makes you more guilty - not only has an unpleasant thing happened, and perhaps you haven't dealt with it effectivelly or you've done something to betray yourself somehow - but now you're trying to solve your problems with a pizza, like a loser. So you become filled with self-loathing, and you eat more to try and push that feeling down, as well as all the stuff about your problems.

But I didn't do that. Instead I went on the Minimins forums and posted about my week. I always feel guilty posting about negative stuff because they're always so upbeat, but I just had a vent. And I got such brilliant responses. Which is when I realised how I was supposed to making this feel better: admitting to it. Saying it, expressing it, not internalising it.

Obviously it's not as simple as that. But it's another strategy. One that doesn't involve blaming myself for everything and punishing/rewarding myself with food.

Today I made a boo-boo. Another thing happened at work, not a massive thing, but it made me uncomfortable. And I wound up having 2 peanut bars in one day! I did it nominally because I was going out tonight and i had loads of meetings today, but I could really have fitted in my two porridges. It was a tiny self-sabotage. But I see what I did. And it's not like I had a cheeseburger!

Tonight I went on a ghost walk around London towne. We must have walked 3 miles, and I really enjoyed it. We walked past so many restaurants, I felt like a ghost myself, I was so removed from that world. Not that I would have dived into every eatery before LL. It was just odd. Here in week 7 I seem to have become more susceptible to food smells! I want to eat everything. For about a second. Just smelling food makes me almost unbearably hungry for a second, where it was much easier to handle before. All quite odd.

Going to pop into Minimins so will wrap this up now.

Week 6 Day 49

Only a short post today, because it has come to my attention that I don't take enough time for myself. Me-time is crucial on this diet - you need time to work through your green book, put into practice the stuff you're learning, and treat yourself with long languid baths and hair treatments etc.

I bought loads of bath stuff and hair stuff, but I've been just nipping in and out of the shower and the rest of the time it's been work, work, work. My job, freelance work (which I volunteered for!), friendships, household chores, everything - I've been running myself ragged over it all, and I've had no time for me. I've just taken on too much. So from now on, everything else is going to get the bare minimum and Bea Time is going to be the order of the day.

Which isn't self-sabotage, I don't think. I think it's just prioritising everything over my own wellbeing - purely through habit. And I wonder why I keep getting stress headaches and feel run-down. Posting on here, writing down my thoughts and discoveries, is part of this. I meant to post every day and now I will, even when there's nothing newsworthy to say. Beware!

So anyway.

Today's weigh-in said I lost 2.5lbs this week (making it a total loss of 20lbs), despite my having drunk 6 50cl bottles of water a day. I didn't feel that discouraged, though, because my scales say different - I've been weighing myself every morning, and according to my scales I've lost over 22lbs in total.

But even taking into account LL's version, I've lost 20lbs in 7 weeks - if I lose another 20lbs I'll be close enough to my goal weight to quit. And it's an average of 2.4lbs per week. I am hoping that drinking more water will make more of a difference. And I am due my period, so perhaps that's skewed things.

Today we looked at challenging core beliefs, and where they come from. I was very happy to learn that most of my core beliefs are already being challenged - they were before I started LL. I've always been very black-and-white about my own crapness, so it was a shock to realise - ACTUALLY REALISE - that those thoughts are just opinions! They're not based in fact. In fact everything that I held to be true now feels very shaky. I don't think I would have been able to get this far on LL if I *really* thought I was crap anymore.

I have been very hungry this week, though. I was fine until now - could handle being around food, no problem, but now I want to EAT. I want to eat cheese and toast and potatoes and all sorts. This may be the week-7 itch: I'm much closer to the end than I was at the beginning (obviously!) so that's challenging me. I've also been unwell and it's FRICKING COLD, which may have a bearing on things.

However last night I cooked for the first time - a friend came over and I cooked her and my boyfriend a bolognese (proper Italian family recipe Bolognese, this is) and I LOVED IT. It was a bit weird to make it, serve it up, then sit down with a hot chocolate for myself, but I didn't mind at all. I just loved the whole process - adding the ingredients, smelling the lovely smells, adding spices and so on.

I can't wait to cook more. When I've finished LL I'm going to be cooking all the time, and I'm really looking forward to it.

All right, in the interests of looking after my own wellbeing, I'm going to retire to the sofa to put my feet up and work on my green book.

Week 6 Day 42: catchup

You're getting a bumper pack of posts today because I've been so lax lately.

This week I've been really busy and quite stressed at work. I did do 3 notable things though...

1. I spent a night at my best friend's
I really miss my friend; she used to live near me and work at the same company, so we saw each other almost constantly and put the world to rights on a daily basis. Now she lives on the other side of London and I've a new job, so it's very different and I have all the attendant fears that she'll lose interest etc. I'm a bit calmer about this now, but I still miss her, so it's nice to spend the evening together and find out what's going on in each other's heads. She's been really supportive about LL, and each time she came back into the room she was marvelling at my weight loss ("you really are a skinny minnie!" she kept saying). We talked about various things; when I told her about all the worries I had about people reacting badly to my weight loss she pointed out, "yes, but don't forget you used to hang out with dickheads and you don't anymore" which was a very good point. What's interesting is the next day I travelled into town with her for work and was so convinced I'd get lost navigating the journey that I almost stayed with her, even though her eventual destination would be further away! We also, as I mentioned, have been junk food enablers for each other but we both stuck to our diets and didn't use our being together to push us into bad habits.

2. I went to a restaurant
It was with my team for lunch. Everyone seemed very guilty about eating while I sat there with my sparkling water and my black coffee. The food smelled amazing, but I wasn't really tempted. I've just got to a point where I think "It's just not worth it". I mean, I was sitting there in my size 12 skinny jeans, for god's sake! I contented myself with holding onto the menu and wondering what I would have had if I wasn't on LL - and what's odd is that I picked very different foods from the ones I would have had before. Before I would have thought PIE AND CHIPS (it was that sort of restaurant...) without a second thought, but perusing the menu I found myself picking things for the taste of them, not just the bulk and comfort food connotations.

I have also been receiving lots of compliments from people at work, including:

• "I'm amazed at your stamina, well done!"
• "Not everyone can decide to change their lives and actually do it. It takes a special sort of strength."
• "Check you out in your skinny jeans!"
• "You've lost weight all over, you look totally different - well done!"
• "I'm so impressed by you. I don't think I could do it."

They also suggested getting me a "finished my diet" cake at the end of LL! I told them that was very sweet, but sort of missing the point....

3. I saw my friend who inspired me to do LL
I myself am partly impressed by this, as I was so stressed at work (and privately freaking out about all this crooked thinking stuff) that I really just wanted to go home and curl up on the sofa at the end of the day, so being social was actually a bit of a trial (seeing my best friend was different though - that IS a bit like curling up on the sofa!). This friend hasn't seen me since I started and was very impressed. We talked about all sorts of stuff - LL, self-image, our shared hobbies, people we know, etc etc. It wasn't all dietdietdiet, and I think I may have helped her with some stuff too.

I've been feeling headachey for a lot of the week - haven't had much sleep and have obviously had emotional stuff going on (even if I didn't realise it) and on Friday a migraine struck. It was so severe and nothing seemed to work - on Saturday I was curled up in a ball, crying. I think it might have been a sinus headache rather than a migraine, but it's so hard to tell. Today I'm better - have been in bed all weekend with it - but still very delicate and not even sure I'll be able to go to work tomorrow. I'll see how I am this evening.

The odd thing is I've been craving crisps the entire time my head's been bad! I don't eat crisps that often generally, but I think it does highlight that when I feel ill, I eat. It's all part of the hiding away thing. And really what I need when I have a migraine is darkness, quiet and sleep (and pills!). However this has been a doozy, I have been lying in the darkness for hours on end but it didn't really help.

Best get off the computer then!

Week 6 Day 42: LL wizardry - more crooked thinking and lifelines

Today only two of us made it into group, so we had our LLC to ourselves. We talked about our weeks, and any crooked thoughts we may have had.

Again, the stuff about male attention really stood out for me - in fact, it's not male attention so much as my appearance is changing, other people are reacting to that, and it's freaking me out. But, although I posted about it on here and seem to have reached a conclusion, I'm still reacting emotionally to that. And when this sort of stuff comes up, I just want to hide from it all - so I have done. I haven't done any of my exercises, haven't posted on here, I've just tried not to think about it.

The truth is that since I've put on weight I've sort of enjoyed being invisible. As an overweight person I could look back on my youth - when I was slim and attractive but thought I was hideous and fat - and think yes, I was attractive. I could do it because I was "safe" now hiding behind my weight.

But you see now I'm approaching being slim and attractive again, all the old fears are being stirred up. When I was slim I had a lot of trouble with jealousy from female friends, male friends suddenly "trying it on", etc. etc. And now I'm returning to the way I looked then I'm worried it's going to happen again. So rather than feel flattered by cute guys in the street giving me the eye, I get all worried. Or I worry that the female friends I love will suddenly drop me when I'm skinny.

But back then I had some really shonky friends! Friends who used me, who always indulged in one-upmanship, and male friends who were, well, male. I've managed to put all that behind me, and it's down to me making the right choices about who I let into my life, not down to me putting on weight.

My situation is very different now; I have really supportive people in my life, and friends who love me for me, whether I'm fat or thin. Some people have got a bit stiff now that I'm approaching attractiveness again, but to be honest they're not people I rate or remember.

But rather than face all this I've squirrelled it away and tried to not think about it at all this week. Also my LLC said "there's nothing wrong with being pretty, why do you keep apologising for it?" which struck a nerve. In the past, my prettiness has made other people feel bad (and I honestly don't know how, because I'M NOT THAT  PRETTY! We're not talking Angelina Jolie here!). But I suppose if people feel like that it's their problem and their insecurity, not mine. I'm not a threat, but if people treat me like one I suppose there's nothing I can do about it.

And in case I was getting carried away with my own prettiness, I was brought sharply down to earth on the way out of my LL meeting by a gaggle of GORGEOUS SUPERMODELS gathered outside for a photoshoot. These women were a million feet tall with figures slimmer than my little finger and cheekbones like razor blades. It's all a question of perception.

The other topic we covered was lifelines. This is where you get a piece of A4 paper, turn it so it's landscape and make a chart:

• On the left axis you list your ages from 0 to now, ascending (0, 5, 10, etc.)
• The next column you split into 3, for underweight, normal weight and overweight
• You mark a cross next to each age for each weight
  
• The final column is for 'events' - here you list every significant thing that happened to per age range when you strayed from normal weight

I've been normal weight for most of my life.  My weight fluctuations were, loosely:

1. 14 - 15: Overweight
2. 21 - 24: Underweight(!)
3. 30+: Overweight

Which is really interesting because if I leave it at that, I can look back at those ages and think yeah, I was having a bad time. But actually listing what happened during those years is eye-opening:

1. 14 - 15: Overweight - crucial family bereavement; problems at school (socially/academically)
   
2. 21 - 24: Underweight(!) - family health problems; money problems; anxiety disorder; unsure about future
   
3. 30+: Overweight - moving to London, launching career, v v stressful job, another bereavement; moving/buying house, realising I was overweight (which in itself is a trigger!)

This helps in two ways.

1. I think I've been carrying around guilt all these years because comfort eating is a "weak" thing to do. But actually looking back and auditing what was happening (which obviously I've outlined very vaguely here) has given me a newfound respect for myself. Loads of rubbish things happened (as I'm sure they happen to everyone) - all in quick succession. Taking it all into account now I'm proud that I just overate and didn't do anything more destructive.
2. In all of these circumstances, I just didn't know what to do. In some cases I was forced into a corner, in others I only perceived that I was in a corner. Either way, I was dealing with a lot of stress and didn't know which way to go. And apparently, when I don't know which way to go, I go in. I retreat to the comfortable and familiar. And I eat. I was dealing with a lot of conflict and stressful people, and I hadn't worked out how to deal with that in the moment. So instead, I hid away. And ate.

So really, I need to work on dealing with people and events in the moment. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to deal with it, but the truth is it's not going to go away just because I pretend it's going away.

And to be honest I like food so much that I'd rather eat for taste than for padding!

[UPDATE]
Obviously, when I was underweight I didn't eat that much. I wasn't anorexic at all, I just was so anxious all the time I literally couldn't get food down my throat. But I did do the rest - avoidance, retreat, all of that. And I firmly believe that if I could have eaten, I'd have overeaten.